My Father is the most offensive person

[FlowersAndShit]

He builds me up and then says the most offensive things. He makes me feel good about myself only to come out with a horribly offensive comment.

I suffer with long term mh issues (agoraphobia, anxiety, depression, ptsd) and I mentioned to him that i'd be going to a group for women with anxiety issues at a coffee shop with my support worker. He told me that he doesn't think it's a good idea because they are all probably mad and wallow in self pity and love talking about being ill. Then he went on to say that most of them are unemployed (so am i!) and it's the new 'i've got a bad back'.

He then told me I should stop doing jigsaws because it's childish and I should do more grown up things.

He always half jokingly tells me i've got a big arse. I'm starting to think he has mh issues himself.

No wonder i'm so fucked up from my childhood

[FlowersAndShit]

He's just left and I feel like bursting into tears

[NameChange30]

Stop talking to him. Seriously. And if you do talk to him don't talk about yourself. Limit the conversation to small talk or conversation about him. But really, stop talking to him. If he's going to say things like that he doesn't deserve to be in your life.

[MummyZELC]

Honestly, if my dad was like that with me I'd say fuck off you absolute twat

[GastonsChestHair]

Tell him to fuck off.

Not even nicely. Don't mince your words at all. In fact shout at him. He's a bully. Bullies are cowards who torment people that don't feel powerful enough to defend themselves. It makes them feel big about themselves. The minute you stick up for yourself, he'll get the idea.

[Justmuddlingalong]

Tell him nothing about your life. He is taking info about you and twisting it to upset you.

[Hygge]

I think you might feel a lot better about yourself if you did what AnotherEmma suggested and stop talking to him.

Go to your group. Do the things you enjoy doing.

It's okay to walk away from someone who leaves you feeling like crying. You don't have to listen to him. What he's saying isn't true.

I remember your user name and have noticed your posts before. You always seem like a good person to me, and you don't deserve to be made to feel like this from someone who is probably hurting you just to feel better about himself.

Please try to remember that what he's saying is not really about you, it's about him, and he sounds like a petty, mean little man.

[FlowersAndShit]

He was very mentally and sometimes physically abusive to my mum when my brother and I were babies. She left to go in a refuge.

When I was going through a difficult time at school with overdoses I cut him out of my life (I was 14) because he was horrible to me about it. I didn't see or speak to him for 8 years and only started talking to him in the last 3 years. I was curious to see him and also pressured by my mum/stepdad/brother to see him.

He's toxic sometimes but he can make me feel so much better other times.He gave me the silent treatment when I was a child which was confusing and scary as hell. He did the same to my mum and didn't talk to her at all for 6 weeks once.

[TendonQueen]

And you spend time with him why? I really wouldn't. Who else have you got in your life in the way of family, friends, people you see regularly?

I think your group sounds like a good idea. Don't be put off.

[FlowersAndShit]

If I cut anymore family members out I won't have anyone at all. I have no friends

[TendonQueen]

Your follow up post has come up now. I would go back to not speaking to him. The good stuff he brings: look for others who can do that, because the price is too high from him. He sounds like he enjoys having a go when you're vulnerable, to make himself feel better. Classic bully.

[TendonQueen]

What contact do you have with your mum and brother? The group will be a way to meet new people too.

[Bettercallsaul1]

Agree with Justmuddlingalong. By strictly limiting what your father knows about your life, you rob him of ammunition to use against you. He can't disapprove/give you instructions about things he doesn't know about. That way you can keep some kind of relationship with him but on a much more superficial level where he can't hurt you. Knowledge is power - so keep it to yourself! Won't be easy at first because he will expect to know everything as he always has, but, bit by bit, it will become easier until you are independent of him.

[ChilliAndBint]

My dad used to be like that. I have come to realise that in fact my mother is worse.

She thinks she is the epitome of good taste. It grates on me and me DC.

[ishallconquerthat]

It's a wise suggestion to stop telling him about your life. Talk about other stuff, nothing that can hurt you. Sometimes it's the only way to keep in contact with people.

[paulapompom]

im sorry. Fwiw you are doing really well, the support group sounds excellent and you are being proactive. Jigsaws (and colouring and crafting) are very good activities for those of us who experience mh issues.

Your father may have mh issues but if so he needs to tackle that himself, as you are doing, but not belittle you. Apart from anything else he is wrong, and that is leaving aside the cruelty in his words. X

[whoreandpeace]

OP, it sounds like your dad has narcissistic personality disorder. My mum has this and it is very damaging being the child of such parents because your self esteem is constantly being eroded. Google it for symptoms. It is very damaging to be around so you need to put a space between you and your dad in order to make yourself safe from NPD's destructive nature; hugely difficult when the narcissist is a close family member, particularly a parent. I've read some helpful books on the subject, so can PM you those that I found most helpful if you wish.

My mother would spend days or weeks not speaking to me from when I was a little child until a few years ago before dementia got hold of her. It is incredibly damaging behaviour when a parent does this to a child, however old that child is. It means you have no safety net, which is just awful. Sulking is a very controlling and manipulative behaviour. Bettercall is absolutely right - stop giving him details of your life because if he has that knowledge then you become vulnerable to future abuse as he will use it against you to knock you down at some point. My mother knew very little about what I thought or what I was doing, or what my children or DH were doing as I stopped giving her that information. I felt sad doing that as who else is going to pat you on the back if not your parent? But it was the only way I felt safe.

[mimishimmi]

My dad wasn't this bad but the gist of it was sort of the same at times. A family history of low self-esteem and PTSD due to war etc. I struggle with the same anxiety issues, particularly in this area. I'd love to go to a support group like you mentioned - you may have to lessen contact with your dad.

[TelephoneIgnoringMachine]

Does he bring anything good into your life? Laughter, caring, smiles, warmth? Does he help you out in any particular way? I bet he doesn't.

He's feeding & enjoying your unhappiness. Stop letting him.

[ThePastIsObdurate]

Okay, I do understand this. Really I do, very well in fact.
I wouldn't suggest cutting him out, especially after what you said about not having very many family members left - I don't have any extended family at all. Like somebody else said, families can be toxic.

I am sure your Dad loves you. I can't explain the psychological reasons why somebody who gave you life and brought you up would come out with hurtful things, seemingly randomly at times. I wouldn't know where to start.

But like I said, I get it. I understand how you feel.
The only way I found of dealing with these situations when they came up was to just almost blank them. Whatever was said, I would assume it wasn't meant. I would ignore it. But as somebody else also said - avoid telling him about your life, your feelings, your health, etc.
Don't give opportunity for hurtful things to be said. I have, since very young, learnt to keep myself very much to myself with the exception of one person. My expectations for other people disappeared a long time ago.

It's not easy. Really it isn't. It's probably not th best advice ever either as I guess it is almost certainly a type of abuse/bullying.

I hope it at least helps a bit to know you're not on your own with this.
Best of luck and try not to let it all get at you.

[PoorFannyRobin]

OP, I just want to say how sorry I am that this has happened to you. I agree with the other posters who suggest not giving him any information about your life at present and cutting him out of your life again when you are strong enough. It must be very difficult when you desire affirmation from him. Unfortunately, for this kind of person any tiny detail about your life just ends up as fodder for the next personal attack. After all this time, it's hopeless to expect that he will change. He has no character, no integrity, no empathy -- and his desire to control (for good or ill) your emotions will always override everything else. Again, I'm just so sorry that you have had to experience this. Your post has really touched me. I hope your support group is helpful and that you can find a way to heal and move forward to a happier future.

[FlowersAndShit]

Thank you all so much. I always thought he had narcississtic personality disorder. As some have mentioned, I think it's best I don't tell him personal details or anything like that and when i'm feeling stronger, distance myself and possibly cut him out of my life. I feel so guilty for feeling like this. I feel like maybe he means well but lacks tact and is just harsh.

[pocketsaviour]

OP, feel free to come and visit us on the Stately Homes thread on Relationships - we are all survivors of toxic families and understand how deeply horrible it is when a parent keeps undermining you.

I'm sorry you're feeling so low and I hope your group helps. Don't take any notice of what your dad says, he's not a doctor or mental health specialist is is he? (god I hope not!) so his opinion on it is worth about the same as my opinion on performance sports cars - bugger all!

[awfullyproper]

It sounds like he is just nice enough to keep you where he wants you. I'm another one who thinks you should keep it perfunctory, and if you can't do that them cut him out.

You need to think of yourself, and he's not helping you one bit. Keep going to the support group, and well done, your years on from your dad in terms of being sorted out.

[QueenStromba]

I have a rule: If I wouldn't put up with it from a friend/boyfriend then I won't put up with it from family. When I cut out my father (over a decade ago and have never regretted it) I had people saying things like 'but he's your father' but I just pointed out that if he was my boyfriend they'd be telling me to leave the bastard.