To dislike my sister?(69 Posts)
I have never actually voiced this to anyone in real life, including DP, so please be kind to me... I'm thinking about this because Christmas is coming up and I dread seeing her for it...
DSis (25) and I have never really been close. We fought like cat and dog when we were younger and our lives have taken very different paths ever since. We don't really fight now, but we really only talk now if (a) we need to (i.e. granddad is ill so recently we have talked) or (b) I call her because I've had some snarky text or voicemail about not having spoken to her or DN (usually she uses DN) in ages. I don't want to speak to her more because I don't actually like her.
I guess the reasons I don't like her are:
1. She is a massive drama queen - every tiny issue involves hysteria and stress and shouting. She's similar to my DM in that respect. A great example took place last week - my granddad fell and broke his hip - we live a couple of hours away and were therefore told by DF not to go to hospital for a bit as he was sedated anyway and DF and uncle were there and sufficient. I arranged to go this weekend as it seemed like close enough to show I care but not close enough to be a waste of a 2.5 hour drive. On the other hand, the minute she heard the same information, DSis was in fits of hysteria - crying, screaming and shouting at my DM on the phone, banging on about getting down there ASAP and getting DN there too just in case it was the last time etc. There was also a load of hysteria about whether she needed to take time off to care for him and how she was going to manage it (nobody asked her to do this and my DF and uncle are of course capable of handling this without her). She spent an hour on the phone telling me how she was going to get down there and get a doctor to sit down with her and give her all the info etc as they apparently did with my nan. It's exhausting. Every single thing, big or small, involves this level of hysteria and drama. Even the idea of my DM just moving house because she got a new job caused weeks or arguments, threats to go NC with DM and stop her seeing DN etc etc
Maybe I am too laid back though?
2. She constantly puts me down. Every comment made about me is derogatory and personal, and even though I know I shouldn't let it get to me, it does. Halfway through a conversation, she'll drop in something like "you don't have any common sense though" (FYI - i am a lawyer in the city and i'm pretty intelligent) or "well i'm the caring one - you're hard nosed when it comes to family and you don't make as much effort" (I think I make the standard amount of effort actually, I just don't have a drama and hysterics every time something untoward happens). She also says things like "well you got the brains, I got the beauty" all the time. I'd love to tell you she's joking but I am 100% sure she's not. She's parroting something people said to me when I was a kid (she is blonde and blue eyed and v girly, I am brunette and went through a tomboy phase as a kid). I am also sick of hearing comments about how I don't have kids - when I was younger I wasn't interested in them. Now that I am older I do want kids, but she takes every opportunity to make comments about how "it's best that you don't want kids because you'd be too impatient and too intolerant to be a mother anyway". It makes me question my own ability or suitability.
Nobody else ever seems to notice - DP has never said anything and nor has DM or my nan, each of whom has witnessed a lot of it.
You cant say anything to her though without constant backlash. I have tried in the past and I've just given up trying because I am sick of hearing "you think youre so much better than me because of your job" etc etc. For the record I don't - I think i'm better than her because I don't put her down constantly.
Am I just BU? Other people (DP included) seem to get on so well with their siblings. Maybe I am, as DSis says, uncaring, hard nosed, ugly and lacking in common sense, and I need to just suck it up because she's family.
YANBU, at all. Being related doesn't mean you have to get on and put up with shit you wouldn't from others. If you don't like her as a person then that's fine. I'm sure you are none of those things she has called you.
I know what you mean and have a DS like this. Most of it stemming from her own insecurities! You need to find some good responses for when she comes out with her spiteful little comments. People like your DS carry on because they know everyone is too afraid to answer them back. Usually they're spineless and as soon as you fire back a good comeback they learn to shut up.
Good luck finding your way through that quagmire!
You will never find a good sentence, she will always have a terribly hurt rejoinder, she has had more practice than you, you will lose if you try to join the game.
Ask your DP if he has noticed, he may just be being polite. DH bit his tongue for years, whilst I was making an effort with my family. His take on them now is quite an eye opener! You may find your DP has noticed, but is staying out of it, you being sisters and all
But your best bet is to work out a non committal nod and smile, with a very occasional "Good grief, you're still doing that?" just to shake her up a bit.
As for your GD, take your DFs lead on it. Ask him if there is anything you can do, listen more than you talk, all that useful stuff.
Again, good luck. This time for not slapping her
You don't have to put up with her rude comments and hysteria at all. If she is rude tell her that she is being rude and that it is unacceptable. If she is hysterical tell her you will speak to her when she has calmed down. What's the worse thing that can happen? She gets the hump with you and won't speak to you? Excellent result. Or she has the screaming ab-dabs - hang up on her or walk away. You can't change her but you can manage your response. And in your place I certainly wouldn't spend Christmas with her. If you must have a duty visit, limit it to an hour.
I need to just suck it up because she's family
Good heavens, why? Do you say unpleasant things to your DP or parents because they're family? I'm guessing the answer is no, you treat them well because they're family. Your sister could and should take the same approach, sadly she appears not to want to.
I think that I would stick by an unpleasant family member in a crisis 'because they're family', but that kind of familial duty doesn't extend to being a passive audience for their bullshit. I have an in-law just like your sister, whom DH has decided not to speak to any more, for his own emotional equilibrium, and it sounds as though you would do well to minimise your exposure to your sister.
As for 'you think you're so much better than me because of your job', why let this silence you? Your response is a great one, use it. You could also say, 'No, you thinkl I'm so much better than you because of my job, and you punish me for it whenever I talk to you, I'm sick of it.' At the first sign of a pit-down, just end the call. No one should have to put up with an hour's worth (^an hour^!) of whiny digs, it must be against the Geneva. Convention.
'put-down'! I don't know what a pit-down is, but don't put up with that either!
1. She is a massive drama queen
2. She constantly puts me down.
and I need to just suck it up because she's family.
Two options as I see it: suck it up, and things will carry on as is; or tell her and things will (most likely) change - again, two likely outcomes:
- she takes it on board, has a good long look at herself and your relationship changes for the better - good outcome
- she takes great offence, throws a massive fit and your relationship deteriorates further, you feel it best to cut off all communication - good outcome.
You should not suck it up because she's family. Shared genes do not bestow the right to be an unmannered cow, as she is being.
I think the classic MN response of 'I'm sorry, did you mean to be so rude?' would work well. Loudly, so that others in the room can't pretend they didn't hear. Then look her in the eye, and wait for an answer.
I have four sisters, three are fine and one is a total drama queen. I also endure a drama queen SIL. I now have incredibly limited contact with both of these creatures.
Two of my sisters have not spoken to drama llama younger sis for about ten years. The other sis will only have communication with her while Mum is alive. In a way I feel sorry for people like this as they have not a clue how totally dislikeable they are.
They have to make everything about them. I have never bothered to inform them because it would be a waste of my breath and just hugely frustrating.
YANBU. At all. My sister is like this. She has everyone pandering to her drama all the time and even though my parents moan to me about how unreasonable she is and how outrageous her behaviour has become, she holds the threat of no contact with my niece over them so everyone moans behind her back and then carries on pandering to her.
We had a big argument around 18 months ago; this in itself is such an alien thing to me, I don't get into arguments with people in the normal course of my existence, if a relationship isn't working I just back off from it.
Anyway, she went far too far and was really very unpleasant towards me, said some horrible things. She apologised but it has made it easier for me to back off from her ever since.
I just don't engage. If she calls I will speak to her and mentally write off the next hour. I refuse to be drawn into any more drama and to some extent it is working. I just wish my parents would do the same, but that's up to them.
My sister also makes comments about my personal qualities that stem from things from childhood; she likes to repeat that I am overly sentimental, that I have a very low pain threshold (such a random thing to choose to go on about, and very much not true either!), that she is always the more practical one and yes, that I have no common sense.
I think it's down to jealousy over the way our lives have turned out, we have ended up on very different paths and sadly she seems to want to put me down to make herself feel better; even down to our a level results (mine were better), I am a few years older, so after her results came out she spent a good hour ranting at me telling me exactly how easy the exams had been a few years ago and therefore mine were worthless compared to hers. All I had done was congratulate her on her (still very good) results.
My advice would be to rise above it and step back where you can. You don't have to have a relationship with her, give yourself permission not to.
I agree with most of your post. However crying over a much loved grandparent and wanting to see them asap does not make her a drama queen. You sound frightfully cold. A week before you will go to your grandad? That would not happen in our family.
I disagree that OP sounds cold, she sounds practical and normal to me. Her DF had asked them not to come, explained that grandad was sedated still. OP works and lives 2.5 hours away. I'm sure if they had said it was a serious illness and he was in a life threatening condition, then she would have dropped everything to go.
It sounds to me like the sister used the occasion to create drama, get attention and make things revolve around her, rather than her grandad. Which in my book makes her the heartless one.
She sounds absolutely bloody revolting. I have had issues with my Dsis in the past along those same sort of lines, she has her head so firmly rammed up her own backside most of the time that she inevitably talks a load of shit. Anyway, eventually it all came to a head and we had a massive row. It wasn't nice but actually things then seemed to improve a bit after that. I'd like to think that it was because she realised that she had behaved like a bit of a twat but actually it was because it took her behaviour for the rest of the family to realise that she is actually is a massively selfish pain in the arse and start treating her accordingly. Even our parents are onto it now (it took a loooooong time) and it does make it easier for the rest of us. She just carries m in her own little version of reality, that won't change. So no, YANBU at all. Accept that's the way she is, minimise contact and wait until everyone else realises what a dick she is. And they will.
And FWIW, waiting a week to visit your grandad for the reasons you stated is absolutely not frightfully cold. What tosh.
but that kind of familial duty doesn't extend to being a passive audience for their bullshit.
I also disagree that OP sounds in the least cold. It doesn't seem to have been a full week as Dreamies suggests before she visited, and if she'd insisted on going to the hospital immediately and making a massive fuss it would have achieved nothing in terms of supporting her grandfather and she would just have been in the way. The sister, on the other hand, sounds like she was absolutely loving the drama of having her grandfather in hospital and making it all about her.
Sounds like my mum! Exhausting and all you can do is back off and mentally defend yourself as much as possible
Me and my dsis don't get along.
We have completely different personalities. I'm quite chatty, open, friendly, family orientated, help our dnan who is going through chemo, remember birthdays, make an effort sort of person and she is not.
It did get really awkward when I refused to speak to her for various reasons I'm not getting into on here atm and she sent me loads of msgs saying she really wants us to be talking again ect ect so I made it up with her to keep the peace but we won't ever be friends.
We just don't get each other and that's ok. You don't have to have your siblings as your friends.
My db however is totally cool and the best brother ever
Not U at all. I have 3 sisters (like the PP above!) and one of them is a total drama-queen and compulsive liar. I can honestly say that I dislike her intensely - there really isn't anything I like about her at all. I know that makes me sound awful, but it's true. 2 other sisters are fine - none of us are especially close, but we get on and there are no issues. This one is a whole other kettle of fish though. The other one does my head in too but there are some MH issues there and she is young (under 20) and emotionally a lot younger so I do forgive her a lot.
'Frightfully cold'? Um, no. OP's granddad had a broken hip and was being well looked after, her DF had specifically stated that there was no need for her to go straight away so clearly he was stable. Therefore, there was no need to drop everything and run to his bedside; leaving it a few days until he was in a better position to receive visitors was eminently sensible, particularly given the distance.
OP's 'D'Sis, OTOH, made the issue all about herself and how it affected her, not considering the effect of her histrionics on the rest of the family. Horrible.
YANBU. I don't believe that just because we happen to share relatives means we have to be in people's lives. I don't really like one of my sisters. She is incredibly spoilt and self obsessed and really thinks she is something special. I see her when I have to, never through choice and even then we don't have much to say to each other. There s also a large age gap so we don't have much in common either.
she sounds hugely insecure and hugely jealous of you OP
Now this doesn't make her easier to handle, but Its all about HER and her insecurities and perceived deficiencies, not you
I think 100% cut down on time and contact with her
but when she says shit mentally smile to yourself, or create a "sister bingo" when you speak, so when she comes out with her little jell fish stings you reward yourself
but yes see less, and make her a far less important figure in your life
Right - stand in the front of the nearest mirror without an audience.
Now practice saying the following with a head tilt and a raised eyebrow if you can do it
" Oh do fuck off dear "
" For Gods Sake don't be such a Drama Queen "
That should cover all of it I think. I am sorry your [only?] sister is a total bitch and a narcissistic drama queen to boot.
Ooh, I like the idea of 'sister bingo'! I might invent my own game of 'family bingo' for Christmas, it would take the sting out of some of their (albeit milder) bullshit.
<carefully places thread back on rails>
Sorry. As you were...
Well she sounds very highly strung, and I wonder if there isn't an undiagnosed mental illness lurking there? The histrionics and drama must be exhausting which is why most people don't go there. If she's not able to see herself and see what she's doing, she may be suffering from extreme anxiety, or maybe she's bipolar? (I have a bipolar cousin who behaves very like this)
I think you sound very normal, and considerate, and smart too.
Not to worry, we can't chose our family, but we can choose our friends- for sure it's nice to have friends amongst family, but it's not unusual to have to look further afield for friendships.
There's a certain grief with that, as, of course, we would like to be friends with family, but sometimes we have to draw lines and move on.
I hope your GD makes a full recovery.
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