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....to think that most posters vary their MN judgements according to the age(s) of their own children?

(42 Posts)
LaContessaDiPlump Mon 23-Nov-15 11:28:19

More of a thread inspired by a thread than a TAAT.

I have 2 DC, aged 3.4 and 4.5. If someone posts about their Year one child choosing to be a right arse (or words to that effect) I internally nod and go 'Yup' because I live with a preschooler and a Reception child and quite frankly there are times when they deliberately choose to be arses. I love them and all, but they can be arselike (as indeed can I). The trick is to notice when their behaviour is feigned (i.e. they set out with the intention of winding me up) and when it's unintentional. I believe that they are capable of choosing to be difficult sometimes - they are not misunderstood blameless little darlings ALL the time. Sometimes, but not always. I try to spot the difference.

I'm more 'Aww, poor baby' with babies/toddlers now because the horrors of those stages have passed for me now thank fuck and also rather lenient when judging the actions of children aged 6 and up because I have no RL experience of how mature you'd expect them to be and what the various stressors in their lives are. I am noticeably more judgy with children near the ages of my own kids (on here - not in RL as I'd feel too mean).

I've been wondering whether we are more likely to judge the actions of babies/toddlers/primary schoolers/teenagers harshly when we have kids near that age ourselves, because we are emotionally closer to it. AIBU to think that the age of your own kids may have a bearing on how you judge other kids of the same age?

FeliciaJollygoodfellow Mon 23-Nov-15 11:30:40

100% agree.

Likewise I struggle to understand some viewpoints where it is clear the poster has taken one point from the OP and run away with their own personal viewpoint.

goodnightdarthvader1 Mon 23-Nov-15 11:30:46

Think you've hit the nail on the head.

myotherusernameisbetter Mon 23-Nov-15 11:34:01

Yes, I agree and I think when it's children or teens older than our own we tend to make assumptions based on, for example, our own teen experiences or assume that a lot of stereotypes are true.

In the past I would have assumed that a 15 year old boy would be into clothes, girls and trying to get alcohol. Now I have one of my own and he is nothing like that smile

myotherusernameisbetter Mon 23-Nov-15 11:34:39

I also think we tend to wear rose tinted glasses when we look at the past.

IwishIwasinNewYork Mon 23-Nov-15 11:35:41

Yes I agree.

I think some posters are hopelessly naive about teens when they don't have them yet.

I've also seen posters moaning about huge, hulking bully boy/girl three year olds ruining their babies' soft play experiences.

To me, three year olds are teeny tiny baby people. To the mother of an eight month old they are terrifyingly ungainly monsters out to stomp on their PFBs.

(I myself said pre kids that I would never let them watch television. What. The. Fuck. What a twat I was.)

NoSquirrels Mon 23-Nov-15 11:35:43

Absolutely. Everyone internally judges children by the ones they know best, I think.

It's also like that thing where you can tell the age of a baby within months when you're close to that stage, but have no clue what age an older child is - and then you lose the ability all over again when you've passed on from the baby stage.

LaContessaDiPlump Mon 23-Nov-15 11:37:11

(I myself said pre kids that I would never let them watch television. What. The. Fuck. What a twat I was.)

Been there!!!

Francoitalialan Mon 23-Nov-15 11:39:12

Yes absolutely. There was an epic thread a couple of years ago with a poster doling out parenting advice to a woman with unruly boys. Most of it was unrealistic bolleaux. And when pressed she revealed herself to be the mother of a little girl of 12 months. Same planet, different world.

My good friend also has one very quiet biddable child, a daughter, and constantly suggests thing to do with my kids, who are all under 6 and one has SN. She has no concept whatsoever of the level of vigilance I need with just him, let alone dealing with the other two as well. I smile and nod...

LaContessaDiPlump Mon 23-Nov-15 11:43:52

I think all parents of 6yo girls should take a good hard look at the poor parenting choices they have made.

See that^^? It's based on my extensive experience of being a girl aged 6 (1 year's worth, 27 years ago) and seeing girls walk past me on the street sometimes. Totally valid, that opinion of mine, eh?

ChopsticksandChilliCrab Mon 23-Nov-15 11:47:40

I notice at school my colleagues whose children are young often have a very different mindset to those who have their own teenagers. Those with older children are generally more understanding and kinder to students. They know the pressures teenagers are under as they have seen it at first hand.

Lostcat2 Mon 23-Nov-15 11:52:35

Totally agree op and a very interesting post.

My youngest is 16 now and I have to force myself to remember how needy and difficult the toddler years were.

I really really really don't want to turn into one of those people who tutt at the checkout while a toddler has a melt down but I have to admit we never go to kid friendly venues as kids are well annoying. wink

I can't see the point of anyone offering advice on parenting unless they are parents as they havnt a bloody clue. (Dsis) and if you have toddlers don't advise on teens as again you have no idea at all.

LaContessaDiPlump Mon 23-Nov-15 11:58:33

if you have toddlers don't advise on teens as again you have no idea at all.

Well, maybe if your own teenage years aren't far behind you then you can provide a useful counter-perspective! Or if you have younger siblings of that age whom you see frequently. But otherwise yes, my musings on how to treat teenagers probably aren't that practical or useful.

reni2 Mon 23-Nov-15 12:15:08

Yanbu.

I have rl exposure to primary schoolers and teens, I don't post on empty nest/ grandchild threads because whilst I have all sorts of opinions I am aware they are hypothetical and I have no clue.

Trickier and harder to hold back if it is about kids younger than mine, it is really easy to say relax about potty training, they all learn it. I didn't feel like that during potty training.

If I do post on threads out of our "age range" I own up so can be discounted if talking rubbish because I simply haven't lived that live yet/ am long past that stage.

Enjolrass Mon 23-Nov-15 14:43:10

Yanbu.

To be honest this thinking is how I ended up with 2 kids. Dd was 6 and quite easy.

I looked back and though about the good bits and we started ttc. As ds goes through all the difficult stages dd went through, I realise I totally forgot what arse she could be. grin

Rose tinted glasses.

They are now 12 and 5. I feel so bad when my nephews, 2 & 3 misbehave and get told off. I also feel for older teens.

It's a weird one.

I do also find the advice people give funny when they haven't had kids or younger kids.

Sil and dbro were never going to let anyone apart from them too look after their children until they were at least 5, never watch to, wouldn't tolerate fussy eating in their children, wouldn't have babies that woke up at night past 4 weeks.

Needless to say none of that happened and yet they keep telling me exactly how I should parent and deal with my oldest. Their preteens/teens won't be stroppy, hormonal or ever roll their eyes...apparently. grin

HaydeeofMonteCristo Mon 23-Nov-15 14:48:28

Yes, you are right.

Lostcat2 Mon 23-Nov-15 14:48:45

I always marvel at the sheer rudeness and confidence of people who openly tell others how to parent.

In my experience it's often random men who do very little childcare themselves. hmm

DawnOfTheDoggers Mon 23-Nov-15 14:52:04

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

StarlingMurmuration Mon 23-Nov-15 14:57:00

Now I have one year old DS, I realise I know nothing about parenting, whereas before I knew EVERYTHING about all children, at all stages of childhood.

FreezePeach Mon 23-Nov-15 15:10:24

As lots of posters have said it's those who are hopelessly naive about teens when they don't have them yet.

Over and over I see threads about older teens where a poster is extremely intolerant and "not in my house" about normal teenage behaviour. It later turns out they have a 2 year old. The fact that you used to be a teenager does not make you an expert on parenting teens.

I used to be a teenager as well. My DC are nothing like I was, nor is my parenting anything like my mothers.

fusionconfusion Mon 23-Nov-15 15:21:10

I agree.

I also have a pet theory that parents of children who are not close in age and/or parents of less than three children sometimes have different standards when it comes to various things e.g. in the early years, watching TV, letting a roar out at the kids, nightly bathing, Christmas expenditure and later, things like hobbies and private schooling and supervising homework.

reni2 Mon 23-Nov-15 16:29:23

I once sat at a family gathering holding my newborn pfb watching my 2yo dn run wild. Silently, I knew exactly how he ought to be handled. I am really glad I didn't say it to my lovely SIL, I would have looked such a knob. I always keep that day in mind when posting about kids older than mine. I usually end up deleting the post after a preview.

HoneyDragon Mon 23-Nov-15 16:56:15

Hmmmmm I think I've always been very consistent

Babies .... Twats, come screaming out your fanjo then deny you sleep

Toddlers ....... Twats, tend to irrationally throw themselves into danger or drive you distraction like a pack of chimanezes shit faced on Jagerbombs.

Pre Schoolers .... Twats, can still act like Chimps on Jagerbombs and have the cognitive ability to actually plot evil.

Primary School Age..... Twats, get educated use it against you go oppose you like the parental dictator you are. Start getting hormones. Are often unreasonable.

Teenagers .....twats, see Toddler description but with added moodiness and smellier

Twenties...... twats, generally waft around moaning about how shit everything is, blaming their parents, the government etc for it whilst having fabulous skin and entire future ahead of them.

Thirties.... Twats, they spend their entire time stressing out that they aren't twenty anymore and thinking they know everything

Forties.... Twats, see toddlers and Tweens but with Jagerbombs and inappropriate car/ clothing/ holiday purchase

Fifties.....twats, moan about how they will have to work until they are 8 million years old to get a pension, and begrudging the care they will have to give their parents who are living too long and having too much fun to leave an inheritance.

Sixties .....twats, don't appreciate how lucky they are for being retired baby boomers and I didn't on telling the twentiie, thirties, forties and fifties what they are doing wrong with their live

Seventies + ...... twats, they've pretty much got it sorted but can't get the other lot to listen because they're too busy being twats, and they're dropping meaningful hints about moving in with their children/going on a 9 year cruise.

wink

LaContessaDiPlump Mon 23-Nov-15 17:01:05

Alright, everyone except HoneyDragon is inconsistent and needs to sort it out grin

Onedirectionarestillloved Mon 23-Nov-15 17:01:37

Yes I agree op.

I can sympathise with everyone!

I remember when mind were little and being told. ' oh wait till they are teenagers, they are a nightmare' no I say the aMe myself to parents with little kids!

I also sympathise so much more with step parents now.

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