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to be stuck between staying at ILs or a hotel at Xmas....

(71 Posts)
cjt110 Mon 23-Nov-15 11:18:44

Some of you may remember my thread about the inlaws behaviour which resulted in me unfollowing them on FB, excluding them from any posts and my DH finally telling his sister and Mum that their behaviour stinks. (Trying to find the thread to link to!)

Eventually, I included them on my posts again and had some nice comments which are surprising as most of his sister's comments had been particularly not nice. Anyway, it has all been on an even keel and I've actually been pleasantly surprised at how nice they have been of late.

So the beast that is Christmas has arisen. DH usually works one of Christmas/New Year. We had said prior to the above and following last christmas that we wouldnt go down to visit his parents at Christmas when he sister was there too. The only time we can go down this year is when his sister is there. Fine. It's good things are on an even keel and we are happy to be there providing she is civil - which I think she will be.

One issue that we have is that she arrives on the day that we would also arrive. It's a 3 bedroom house. The guests will be me, dh, ds, sil and her husband and her 2 children. Usually when we have been before and SIL is there, she will have the larger of the 2 bedrooms and her children the smaller one meaning we have had to book into a hotel. This was partly the reason for saying we wouldnt visit when SIL was there again say it costs us IRO £120 for hotel, food, diesel just to stay for the weekend (2 nights).

So, do we book a hotel this year or stay with the family? DH told his Mum a few days ago and nothing has been forthcoming with "You can stay here" but nothing has been said about us booking a hotel either. Part of me wants to carry on with the hotel as it gives us some privacy, doesnt depend on SIL being "kind" and offering up a room, and also means we don't have to stay in the living room. But then after the recent issues, part of me thinks just bite the bullet and do the family thing. Just as a side note, when we do go at other times of the year when SIL isnt there, we stay at ILs.

I asked DH about it and he said he wasn't sure what we were doing. So I costed up the hotel and told him. I said about had his Mum mentioned anything and he said no. I said I wondered if she assumed we were staying in a hotel and maybe we could book the hotel but go up to ILs for breakfast. DH said something about how we never normally do that and have breakfast at the hotel.

In honour of building bridges, WWYD?

AliceInUnderpants Mon 23-Nov-15 11:21:35

I would stay in a hotel.

Inertia Mon 23-Nov-15 11:22:50

I wouldn't go- I'd do what your originally said you would do, and not go while SIL is there. A few polite comments on FB are not in the same league as managing to hold tempers in a cramped house over Christmas.

Fizrim Mon 23-Nov-15 11:23:04


honeyroar Mon 23-Nov-15 11:25:04

I would lessen the strain and give yourselves some space if you can afford it. Stay at the hotel, have breakfast there and a comfortable sleep in your own space, then use your inner calm to get through the family times. Trying to spend 24/7 with them may reopen wounds?

Well done on building bridges though.

Costacoffeeplease Mon 23-Nov-15 11:25:53

Hotel or don't go

quirkychick Mon 23-Nov-15 11:27:33

Hotel means you can retreat back there if necessary.

MistressoftheYoniverse Mon 23-Nov-15 11:30:52

Hotel...for your own sanity

cjt110 Mon 23-Nov-15 11:31:24

I am following whatever DH wants and he wants to go at Christmas. Personally, I wouldn't bother but I am supporting what he wants to do.

Trying to spend 24/7 with them may reopen wounds? I agree with this. Have asked DH to speak to his mum, or make a decision what we are doing re a hotel.

I really don't want to stay in a cramped house truth be told but again, I will follow whatever DH wants. He doesn't see his parents very often.

bluebolt Mon 23-Nov-15 11:32:49

I would go prior or after Christmas period when SIL is not present. Get the relationship with PIL going in the right direction and then add SIL. House full at Christmas even with a hotel to escape to tempers and fake facades will slip.

TheCuttingRdge Mon 23-Nov-15 11:42:06

Hotel x 1000.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams Mon 23-Nov-15 11:42:12

Sil's family are 4, yours are 3. Therefore fairness and sheer logistics would dictate that they take the larger room. There is still a bedroom available to you but by the sound of it, you don't wish to stay in it.
So book into a hotel. You don't have to [assuming it's not a boxroom with a single bed] but it is your choice to do so and therefore the cost should be borne by your family.

I'd consider a hotel to be a lifesaver unless it's a total shit hole. You can go and have a solo "walk" --lie down to watch crap tv--; you can stay late or take DS back to the hotel and completely opt out a family evening if you want to. For £120 it's a bargain imo.

FirstWeTakeManhattan Mon 23-Nov-15 11:44:05


HeadDreamer Mon 23-Nov-15 11:44:58

Hotel definitely.

PestoSkiissimos Mon 23-Nov-15 11:45:37


TurnWifiOn Mon 23-Nov-15 11:47:36

I don't really think that your SIL is being unreasonable by using 2 x rooms for her family tbh, I would ask MIL if you have a room, if not stay in a hotel or a others said go at a time when SIL won't be there citing that the house isn't big enough for everyone, which it isn't.

OnlyLovers Mon 23-Nov-15 11:47:38


Tread, there isn't a room: the OP says she will have the larger of the 2 bedrooms and her children the smaller one and that unless she offers up a room, they have to stay in the living room.

vvviola Mon 23-Nov-15 11:54:38

Hotel. Definitely.

We have no problems with MIL and BIL (well, relatively speaking, she's a bit odd and set in her ways), but when we used to visit we would, where possible stay in a hotel/motel near by (this was in NZ). Meant we could keep a bit of freedom, not be tied to her timetable (bed at 8pm) and give the DC a bit of space to let off steam or even just colour a picture in the colours they chose, not the MiL approved colours

Has saved both DH and my relationship with MIL (and, probably, each other) over the years.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams Mon 23-Nov-15 11:56:37

Oops - blind as a bat clearly. Sorry OP

It's not SIL's house. If the OP's DH isn't prepared to have a chat with his parents to say that they would prefer to stay in Room 3 for the few days they are visiting and not in a hotel then it's stay at home for Christmas, pay for a hotel without resentment or camp in the living room.

There is no ffing way I would be spending my Christmas camping in a living room and waiting for people to go to bed so I and my kids could go to bed. It.Doesn't.Work.For.Me

WoodHeaven Mon 23-Nov-15 11:57:41

Hotel from me again if you can't even have a room for yourself.

Also, depending on the backstory, I wouldn't want to be in the position of 'having to thank SIL for her grand generosity'.

Fwiw, I think your SIL should take one room and you the other (again assuming it's not a box room). It shoyuold have been the default position as to what would happen.

cjt110 Mon 23-Nov-15 12:00:14

Tread It is indeed a tiny boxroom but we three could maybe manage but SIL wouldnt dream of having her children in the room with her. Very strange when she then moans how we don't stay in the living room (So we have to go to bed when they do and get up when they do). Buts thats another story. (I assume you havent read my previous thread about her?)

Glad most agreed hotel. I have asked DH to speak to his Mum and ask what the arrangements are but also reminded him that the hotel price has now gone up and there are only a few rooms left to which he replied "Just book the hotel"

miaowroar Mon 23-Nov-15 12:01:55

I would avoid going while SIL is there if at all possible. If this is not possible (I suppose if your DH really wants to go) then definitely book a hotel - I would always prefer this (is it the drinking/driving which is the problem?) anyway as you can have a leisurely morning if you want, and you can escape early if you need to pleading that your DS is tired.

MyLifeisaboxofwormgears Mon 23-Nov-15 12:02:25

I remember your earlier thread.
This is the "being nice" part of the abuse, to reel you back in (it's called "hoovering" - google it).
Once they think they have you back as the people to kick and slag off and treat badly they will kick you and slag you off and treat you badly.

Your SIL is taking the 2 rooms to assert her power over you - so you are there on her terms and she is the dominant one.

I wouldn't go at all.

cjt110 Mon 23-Nov-15 12:03:58

WoodHeaven You would think so. But no lol.

This has been ongoing for at least the last 3 years. Before DC I begrudgingly didnt mind so much but now, I am not having my son and his routine disrupted if I can avoid it.

It just smarts I guess that we have to pay out to much money to visit them without even a sniff of them trying to accomodate us. Last year they didnt even suggest that we all have breakfast together and one evening, we had to go and buy food for tea to eat in the hotel room because they were having dinner past DS' bedtime.

Branleuse Mon 23-Nov-15 12:06:25

id do something completely different for xmas.

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