PIL changed Xmas arrangements

[stillnotjustamummy]

Complicated one. I have 3 DC, the youngest is 9weeks and eldest is just 4 yrs old.
 We invited PIL here. They accepted. I did grocery order. But now apparently its their oldest sons year to see them and he wants to be up north in their old family home as that suits his family better, the PIL claimed that they hadn't accepted our invite, but had left it open. As BIL wants to see them in his childhood home PIL have decided to host BIL there. My DH wants to join them. 

I've tried to explain that sleeping 5 to a room plus attempting to bring the kids gifts (dolls house) will be impossible. We have just tried sleeping in a single room on a weekend away and it was awful - no
one slept! It's a 4 or 5 hour drive to PIL house so going in the morning is not an option. 

Extra complication - My SIL is expecting a baby and is late in the second trimester. She has had multiple miscarriages and I think she finds it hard to be around me and my girls, which is understandable. I don't want to upset her by butting in on 'her' Christmas. It would strain the accommodation as there really isn't enough space for everyone at PIL house and there are no suitable hotels / holiday let nearby (grim northern village) 

I know that next year we will be hosting my nephews from my sister as it is her year to have her sons on on Xmas day. (Messy divorce complicated set up)
Which would mean not doing Christmas with his parents until 2017, which I am fine with but DH would be upset about. He is very sentimental about his childhood family home, he will not support my view that his parents have made other plans and we should carry on with ours at home. Who is being unreasonable? 

[FixItUpChappie]

YANBU I would be annoyed and unhappy

[JeanSeberg]

Yep. It's grim up north.

[Bejeena]

What does your husband say about the sleeping arrangements? Can he come up with a solution? I assume not.

In your situation my foot would be well and truly down due to the sleeping problem, if he can't see that then I don't know what to say.

No totally NBU

[stillnotjustamummy]

I feel very put out that they have basically chosen BIL. Again!

[DeladionInch]

Ds2 is 11 weeks. He would not be doita car journey of that length at Christmas.

[Mistigri]

You have a 9 week old which is reason enough to go nowhere at Christmas.

Your DH is being unreasonable. PIL not so much, it's annoying that they changed their minds but it sounds like they have unusually demanding children who put them under a lot of pressure.

[Greebosmum]

Stay at your own home. You have a family now, you don't have to travel miles with the children's presents. Don't go. If people don't like it, well tough.

[Sansoora]

Im all for a family Christmas and would do handstands to sort one out but doing this is just way too too much. In your circumstances I would put my foot down and see where it led me because its these kind of situations and how they play out that say a lot about the general state of things in a marriage and what's needing sorted out.

Would your in-laws go along with people having their own wee things they like to do at Christmas? Or would they be of the opinion there's too many people to pander to so we'll all just go through the motions and pare it all down to the very bare essentials such as a carrot and mince-pie left out Rudolph and Santa? Would you be expected to dress for Christmas Lunch or could you wear what your comfy in considering you've not long had a baby. Would the kids be expected to be seen and not heard or would they be allowed to have a blast?

You have Christmas all planned out for the next few years and Im wondering why? But please don't think thats a criticism or a pop at families who spend Christmas together - its also what we do.

Last but not least - 5 people in one room? No thanks!

YANBU at all.

[MinesAPintOfTea]

Yabu. The north is not grim. Even if the village doesn't have one, is there really no hotel nearby?

[ipsos]

We just stay in our own house at Christmas. it means we miss the wider family traditions but are starting to make our own, which is actually quite a nice thing. Maybe you could stride out together - you and dh - and start your own thing? I long journey like that with tiny children in bad weather does seem like a bad idea, quite apart from the sleep issues, which would really be bad.

[Sansoora]

I feel very put out that they have basically chosen BIL. Again!

I did wonder if there was history of this.

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

YANBU. There's clearly background to this too, but even without it - travelling 4-5h with a tiny baby (and I assume baby is 9wo now, so will be 14w by Christmas) and then having to sleep with 3 under 5 in one room - ugh! no.

Plus your SIL is going to be edgy about them being there, so really it's not going to be any fun at all.

Obviously your PILs have brought both their sons up to consider no one but themselves, which is very unfortunate for you being married to one of them - but in your place I would put my foot down and say No. Your PILs have set this up, but your DH is being selfish and immature about it.

Equally obviously you want your DH there at Christmas, and your DDs want their dad, or I'd say tell him he can go up there by himself if he's that desperate, but you'll be staying at home with the girls and he can decide where his loyalties/priorities are.

[Costacoffeeplease]

Foot down - who wants to spend Christmas in a travelodge or premier inn, and you'd still be 5 to a room surely? Or would you and your husband split up so you're not only spending Christmas away from home, but in separate rooms?

Let them get on with it, if your husband complains get him to work out solutions to the 5 to a room issue, and transporting the baby, dolls house etc if he thinks it will work, he's a loon, you'll end up with a stressed out, resentful Christmas with over tired children and a difficult time with SIL

[Inertia]

Your husband and his parents are all being unreasonable. Your husband needs to face up to the fact that his parents have dumped him and his family for a better offer, and start putting his own children first instead of bending over backwards to try and make Christmas work with his parents when they are not interested.

[Pseudo341]

No way would I be making that journey and sleeping 5 to a room with a newborn and two under 5, it would be absolute hell. Is there a reason you can't invite PIL at the same time as your sister next year?

[ARV1981]

Tell your dh that he can go if he so desperately needs to be with his mummy and daddy on Christmas... but that you're not going, and your dd's are not going.

My pfb is the same age as your youngest. I'm not going anywhere at Christmas and I was invited to my mum's house 30 miles away, but it's too much just that relatively short distance! Instead my mum and one sister are coming to me...

[BlackAzalea]

So PILS accepted to come to yours and then suddenly remembered BIL wanted them to host Christmas? Not very polite but ok plans change, that's life and of course DH wants to see his family, but he must know it will be a huge PITA for you all to schlep there. Why can't he go by himself just for Christmas Eve or Boxing Day?

[LillianGish]

I don't think it's necessarily a case of them choosing BIL so much as them choosing to stay at home (not have long journey, sleep in their own beds and generally be in control). In fact all the reasons I preferred to stay at home for Christmas when the DCs were little. I don't think you are bu not to go - especially as DCs are so tiny. In your shoes I'd plan to have Christmas at home for the foreseeable future. To be honest I wouldn't go anywhere for Christmas where the host couldn't put me and my family up. I think it is unreasonable for them to think you might. You offered to host them so they can't feel snubbed.

[PresidentUnderwood]

Sounds like your DH needs reminding Xmas isn't all about him.

Making 3 young children spend 4-5 hours in car, then have to sleep in one room and then how will they have their gifts? Play with them? my two kids would go loopy & be little toads that's a nice way of putting it

As for you - squashed in car, you'll never bloody sleep with 3 kids in your room, your worries about SIL will make you uncomfortable & you have a newborn.

All so DH can relive HIS childhood and no one else can make new memories. Fuck that. Say No

[stillnotjustamummy]

Yes, it's a case of the PIL had three boys and for all of time, they spent Christmas in Ireland, sleeping on floors, etc. The other brothers rotate strictly between their parents and wife's parents, all of whom are up north. I don't hate all of the north, but PIL live in a tiny village in a very depressed area with nothing to do - even the nearest park is a good long walk away. The girls like playing with their cousins, but the PIL house is not hugely preschooler friendly, lots of clutter, and not suited to host 6 adults 4 kids and a baby.
There genuinely is no hotel or family friendly accommodation nearby, but even if there were it defeats the object as the PIL want to hang out in the evenings too, when we would need to be in our hotel with our sleeping children.
My sister & nephews usually stay at GMas house when she has her weekends but our place is bigger hence knowing already they will be here for 2016.
MIL always has huge expectations for family Christmases and inevitably cries when they are not met so I know I will get stick for not cooperating, but I strongly feel it's just not suitable this year. I'd be happy for everyone to come to us, but that doesn't suit BIL.
DH is usually pretty reliable in supporting me elsewhere, but large family gatherings are his weak spot. He enjoys them, and doesn't want to see that it's a big ask on the logistics & emotional front of our kids.

[Costacoffeeplease]

Well, as a husband and father he needs to grow up and realise it's not all about him now

[stillnotjustamummy]

Sansoora, yes there is history... The year my dad died I refused to travel up north for Xmas so I could make sure my mother wouldn't be alone Christmas Day. They came here instead, meaning BIL had to adjust his alternate year plans. My blood still boils at my FIL informing me he'd given it some thought and that this year I could be at home, as if I needed his permission! Which is nothing compared to on the day of my dad's funeral he also had me booking his train tickets back up north for a family party the following day, staying over, and generally being a nuisance whole telling me it was out of respect to me that he came... He has form for being a thoughtless arse, even though I'm normally quite fond of him.

[MythicalKings]

Just make it very clear it's not happening and hope he gets over his sulk by Christmas.

[LillianGish]

I think you are setting yourself up for problems once you get into the it's our year to do this and your year to do that and we always do it like this. Put your foot down now (in the nicest possible way) so that having a bit of flexibility round Christmas becomes the norm. I would have thought having three under four including a tiny baby would have meant if ever there was a year to take a stand then this is it. I used to love the years of believing in Santa and maintaining the pretence (very hard to do when you have to transport everything by car) and there is such a tiny window for this that if you don't act now the moment will be gone. DH needs to get over himself - he doesn't need to be with mummy and daddy for Christmas - he needs to accept he's moved up a generation. It doesn't mean you never spend Christmas at his parent's house again, but not until the kids are a bit older and actively choose whether squashing five into a room is what they want to do. (Hopefully by then you'll have created such magical Christmases in your own home they'll say "But we always ....")

[stillnotjustamummy]

Yes, it's going to have to be foot down. I will write the points out on paper so I can't get knocked off course and then deal with the tantrums. My own family were never like this, we were always home for Christmas and saw people either side if we felt like it.