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Who is BU and to blame here?

(143 Posts)
InTheBox Sun 22-Nov-15 18:49:32

On Friday afternoon my SiL, her Dh (my brother), their toddler Ds, my sister and I went to my mother's house.

SiL can be a bit Pfb but I don't think that's relevant in the following instance. Over the course of the afternoon Sil was quite literally hovering over her son whenever he took a step anywhere. Dm told her to relax a little. Admittedly Dm's house isn't very toddler-proof but there wasn't an immediate concern about his safety at the time as he was just playing with some brick-type toys.

I decided to start preparing dinner so then my sister and brother went out to get somemore supplies. Although I can't be sure of their exact exchange, Dm told Sil to come and keep me company in the kitchen.

Sil comes along and we're enjoying a glass of wine in the kitchen and a while later we hear my nephew screaming and crying. We rush to the living room to see him covered in shelves and drawers. At some point he pulled a bookcase which isn't joined up on himself.

He wasn't visibly hurt but I'm sure it must've been a fright and quite painful.

At this point my siblings return and Sil demands that they leave immediately which my brother does complicity.

I know that my Dm and Sil have always had a bit of a difficult relationship but I'm sure she'll use this as an excuse to veto any future visits. Dm thinks that accidents happen and thinks Sil unreasonable for insisting to leave immediatly. My brother has only expressed concern for Ds so is sort of staying out of the family politics of it all and my sister thinks that Sil is going to be vindictive over this (a vindictive bitch - to use her exact words) and should get a grip.

I have a good relationship with all of them but I can see all points of view. Sil refuses to talk about it bar saying that she won't put her child at risk again in the future.

Bailey101 Sun 22-Nov-15 18:55:03

Did your mother day she would watch the child or did sil assume?

BYOSnowman Sun 22-Nov-15 18:56:08

It's tough but I've been where your sil is. My mil lounge is full of toddler height coffee and side tables and normally covered in candles. I always hovered over ds and was told I was being ott. One day he pulled the table cloth and the (thankfully unlit) candles on himself. Mil thought it was just one of those things but it just confirmed my fears! We don't go there anymore but I encourage a good relationship between the kids and mil. Just not at her place!

gobbynorthernbird Sun 22-Nov-15 18:57:21

I'd be furious if I were your DB/SIL. Your nephew could've been killed.

ProjectPerfect Sun 22-Nov-15 18:58:04

I am usually very relaxed but if my mil said she'd watch my DC and they narrowly avoided serious injury because she was not paying attention I would be furious

RubbleBubble00 Sun 22-Nov-15 19:00:48

Probably sensible of her to leave straight away tbh as stops anything being said that might be regretted. I'd let the dust settle and then see what happens. Your family are assuming lots about sil future behaviour

Tiggeryoubastard Sun 22-Nov-15 19:01:13

I'd have been fucking furious and left too. Your mother is totally to blame. And she and your sister sound like the bitches in this scenario. Bored shit stirrers.

Tirfarthoin Sun 22-Nov-15 19:03:06

There is a difference between freak accidents and accidents that are preventable. I think it sounds like your DM was negligent in not closely supervising a toddler around a house that is not toddler proof. I would have probably behaved like your SIL in this instance.
Your DM may have had very differencing parenting skills to your SIL but as a GP she really should respect the parents views on safety and not try to install her own views.

RunRabbitRunRabbit Sun 22-Nov-15 19:04:46

Accidents happen. Did you read the thread about dropping your baby the other day? Why does it matter who was BU?

Witchend Sun 22-Nov-15 19:05:46

I'm on the side of your sil there. Not over egging it, but he could have been killed in that situation. Children have been.

Spilose Sun 22-Nov-15 19:05:53

I'd be furious. Honestly, that is utterly dreadful and your nephew could have been very seriously injured, if not worse. I'd be leaving immediately too because I wouldn't be able to hide my anger or upset.

annielouisa Sun 22-Nov-15 19:10:31

Your DN should never have been left unsupervised. Accidents do happen but safety here was compromised by your DM and her poor attitude to keeping an eye on your DN. As a DGM to 11 DGC if I am in charge of the younger ones my DGM protective radar is on.

InTheBox Sun 22-Nov-15 19:15:09

annie he was never left unsupervised. When Sil came to join me, Dn was with my mother.

Mouthfulofquiz Sun 22-Nov-15 19:16:15

Your DM should have been properly looking after him if she sent your SIL to relax with you in another room. I don't think she is being PFB about it at all. I think I would have wanted to leave too even though I get on incredibly well with my in-laws!
Does your sister have kids?

InTheBox Sun 22-Nov-15 19:17:38

Rubble you're probably right. I agree. But I do feel bad for my Dm now as she absolutely adores my nephew.

MrsBobDylan Sun 22-Nov-15 19:20:44

You DM was being unreasonable telling sil to 'relax a little' when she was watching her ds' every step. Toddlers can find trouble in seconds. As for allowing dn to pull shelves down on himself, yes accidents happen but that one was preventable if she has been watching him properly.

I think you should all stop judging sil and let her do as she sees best.

lunar1 Sun 22-Nov-15 19:20:53

Who was in the room with him when he was hurt? I'll be honest I'd have had to leave to, to prevent me saying something I'd regret. It was a completely avoidable accident.

BYOSnowman Sun 22-Nov-15 19:21:05

But she wasn't supervising properly. These types of accidents can easily be deadly and no one means for their beloved child to be seriously hurt. But your mum has to accept she was cavalier with dn's safety.

In my situation the only way I would have gone back to mils house is if she had accepted that she needed to do some child proofing!

OhNoWhatAmIGoingToDoNow Sun 22-Nov-15 19:24:21

If your mum was supposed to be watching him I'm not surprised SIL is livid.

RueDesTroisFreres Sun 22-Nov-15 19:26:00

Fraid on the info given it was your dms fault, and she needs to do some bridge building, both relationship and practical (child proofing). My dps spend about an hour adjusting their house before I or dsis bring our kids to visit (dps choice but v sensible imo)

mintoil Sun 22-Nov-15 19:26:49

I agree with PP, your mother is probably to blame here. She made SIL leave and go to the kitchen, presumably so she could spend some time alone with DN, but then failed to look after him properly so he ended up pulling a bookcase down on himself?

If I were SIL I would be furious. She is probably cross with herself too for being bullied into leaving her son when her gut was probably telling her not to.

I would stay out of it if I were you.

AnnaMarlowe Sun 22-Nov-15 19:27:35

This is going to sound harsh so I apologise in advance:

Your mother had one toddler to supervise? And the child was allowed to pull a bookcase over on itself? I can't imagine how that happen unless she was negligent to be honest. I'd have been very upset and your DM would not be allowed unsupervised contact/to babysit for some time to come.

It's not about being a 'vindictive bitch' it's about ensuring the safety of her child.

Jw35 Sun 22-Nov-15 19:27:44

I'd be upset if that happened to my child. I think the SIL is probably making enough effort with you all. You probably send out bad vibes if that's how your family speak about her!
I think your mum owes her an apology. Hopefully this will all pass, you are all assuming too much, she just got upset.

NotAnotheChinHair Sun 22-Nov-15 19:28:28

Your mum is to blame and she was being unreasonable and negligent. I'm not surprised your SIL left.

RunRabbitRunRabbit Sun 22-Nov-15 19:29:14

Why does it matter to you who was BU according to MN?

What would it change for you?

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