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To ask how to decline this evening invite?

(86 Posts)
skyofdiamonds Sun 22-Nov-15 14:55:59

Do I tell the truth or bend the truth?

My partner and I have been invited to an evening do of a wedding of a good friend.

It is over 300 miles away and apparently approx 4 hour drive each way on maps.

It falls on my partner's birthday weekend and therefore I was going to say I'm taking him away for a weekend and it's booked already. Except that it isn't and I have no comeback when she asks where we are going, which she will!!

We probably would have gone away anyway but also, if it were an invite for the full day, may have considered the travel up.

So do I say it's simply too far and expensive to travel or that I'm going away and it's already planned.

She's asked me three times this week if I have received post from her ( the invite) so must be keen to hear back. We do chat a fair bit each week (we live far from each other nowadays) and I don't want to offend her but I don't think it's unreasonable to think that's simply too far for a 4 hour do.

ImperialBlether Sun 22-Nov-15 14:57:32

I wouldn't travel that far just to go to the evening do! That's just ridiculous. Just say it's too expensive for you to do that.

slugseatlettuce Sun 22-Nov-15 14:58:50

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnchorDownDeepBreath Sun 22-Nov-15 14:58:53

Just say you have a prior engagement and you'll be sad not to celebrate her vows with her, and then change the subject back to what a lovely venue she's chosen or so something.

It's simple and less likely to fall apart or come across like you're offended at only being invited to the evening.

goodnessgraciousgoudaoriginal Sun 22-Nov-15 14:59:59

I'd say something like:

"Oh I'm so sorry, but that's X's birthday weekend, and I am going to be taking him away as a surprise"

when she asks where just say "Probably Cornwall or London, but I'm still trying to find the right place".

End of!

If she asks you to move it, then just say it's not an option, but you would love to see her and partner for a congrats dinner when they've had time to de compress from the wedding.

Jackie0 Sun 22-Nov-15 15:05:54

Imagine inviting " good friends " to drive 300 miles just to attend an evening do.
It just seems so rude and self absorbed of them.
Absolutely do not feel guilty about this , just go with the prior engagement line.
Keep it vague and ignore any nosey questions.

BaronessSamedi Sun 22-Nov-15 15:07:19

how come you're only getting invited to the evening do, if she's such a good friend?
not trying to be goady, i'm genuinely curious.

skyofdiamonds Sun 22-Nov-15 15:15:00

You make me feel better. I'm scared to respond as I feel like the bad cop!

In response, I don't know. I don't know how big her venue is, how many guests she's having etc etc so don't want to make assumptions and be offended.

I can't imagine they have a huge budget, knowing their jobs and that they've just bought a house but who knows.

Neither my partner and I are friends with the groom particularly. I'm not a huge fan of his but have never made this known. Perhaps the feelings are mutual with him!

StepAwayFromTheEcclesCakes Sun 22-Nov-15 15:32:53

tbh 4 hours is not that bad, I say this as I live 6 -7 hours (sometimes more depending on traffic) from my hometown and have been back numerous times, if I had not been in hospital at the time I would have travelled for my friends wedding. You either want to be there, in which case investigate trains and a nice hotel, somewhere nearby and go for a weekend for Dh's birthday too, combine it with a lovely trip. or you don't want to be there in which case tell her 'sorry too far for an evening sorry' don't make feeble excuses they can usually be seen through and people think less of you for it.

C8tontherug Sun 22-Nov-15 15:34:07

You have not been invited to the wedding, only the evening

However it is possibly the only time that she will get married

Your choice to go or not to go

If not going send card & present, does she have a wedding list ?

Ask where the wedding photos will be made available to view online

If you are not going, your partners birthday is a good excuse

Only1scoop Sun 22-Nov-15 15:35:27

Perfect excuse already booked a birthday surprise

SoWhite Sun 22-Nov-15 15:36:07

Tell her your are planning a week away, not yet booked, but its been in the diary for months.

Merguez Sun 22-Nov-15 15:37:44

You do not need an excuse for why you are not going.

Simply say sorry, you can't go due to a previous engagement.

That is the correct etiquette.

firesidechat Sun 22-Nov-15 15:38:28

She was rude to send you merely an evening invite knowing that you live so far away. Evening invites are ok I guess for locals who you aren't very close to, but not for friends you talk to or see regularly and value.

You have no reason to feel bad.

Merguez Sun 22-Nov-15 15:38:46

Sorry, just read the post properly & see you regularly speak to her.

In that case I would just say you have planning to do something special for your dh's birthday already.

flixybelle Sun 22-Nov-15 15:41:47

Do you want to go? If not then just really sorry we can't make its DH birthday. If you do want to go you will make it work.
I travelled 3.5hrs (each way) to go to a good friends 'evening do'. She only had immediate family at the ceremony at 4pm and then a big party afterwards. Had a wonderful night, we (dh) drove straight back as well as we couldn't afford a hotel due a major sporting event taking place and all the hotels being insane prices.

Rafflesway Sun 22-Nov-15 15:49:06

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Aeroflotgirl Sun 22-Nov-15 15:51:30

Your not actually going to see them get married, that is a very long and expensive trip for an evening do. Just say, its my partners birthday, and we have plans, shall we go out for a meal after the wedding type thing.

captainfarrell Sun 22-Nov-15 15:53:05

Please don't mind me correcting you on your use of the word, invite. You need to use the word, invitation. Invite is a verb, invitation is a noun. Apologies for being so rude but it's a cringe situation for me!

Aeroflotgirl Sun 22-Nov-15 15:53:20

A good friend would toatally understand, and would not expect you to make that kind of trip. It is a long journey.

Aeroflotgirl Sun 22-Nov-15 15:54:27

Captain, not much op can do about it now, care to add anything useful to the thread hmm.

Hissy Sun 22-Nov-15 15:54:50

Just be honest, say it falls on your dp birthday and you have planned to do something for it. If also point out that it's too far to go for an evening invitation, but when they are back from honeymoon etc, perhaps you can all go out together?

FannyFifer Sun 22-Nov-15 15:57:19

Sorry I can't make it, that's all you need to say, no need to give excuses at all.

captainfarrell Sun 22-Nov-15 15:58:22

I do think your friend is asking for you to travel a long way for an evening do. Is it somewhere nice? Could you make a weekend away of it for your DP's birthday and just spend one evening at the do? If not, I think you should politely decline and explain the honest reasons for it. Just say that you had a weekend planned for your DP's birthday and you've just had confirmation so couldn't say beforehand. Your friend should understand unless she's a bridezilla! Good luck.

Dollius01 Sun 22-Nov-15 15:59:59

Just say you are taking him away for a surprise and when she asks where, say "I'm not telling anyone, it's a complete surprise!!" She will look weird if she pursues it further.

Anyway, if she wanted you there that badly, she would have invited you to the whole day.

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