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To not say goodbye to my dd who is leaving

(171 Posts)
onlyoranges Sun 22-Nov-15 14:54:25

My dd and her best friend are leaving to travel the world, with no idea of when they will return. We are happy/devastated. she wants us to say goodbye at the airport which my dh feels will be too upsetting for us and her younger siblings (who are very upset she is leaving). I told my eldest Ds who was appaulled we are not going. My difficulty is I am currently in treatment for a disease which appears hell bent on killing me and the airport is so far away we would need to stay over and the knock on effect for my health wouldn't be great. But our dd wants us to go and her friends mum is going. My dh is adamant he wants to say goodbye at home as he will become too upset at the airport (and knowing him he will)! Should I go? Should we all say bye at home? Will my dd feel weird her friends mum is there are none of us are. Am
I being mean? If I wasn't so sick I would go in a heart beat but now I just don't know?? Thoughts please?

TheMasterMurderedMargarita Sun 22-Nov-15 14:56:43

If she is old enough to travel the world alone she is old enough to understand how difficult it would be for you.
I think she is rather selfish to expect it actually.

SoDiana Sun 22-Nov-15 14:57:47

I think you will regret it was if you don't. And it would be very hard on your dd.

onlyoranges Sun 22-Nov-15 14:59:04

Oh no I don't think I have been clear. She wanted someone there. She has been very kind and understanding about my disease and has never asked me to do anything I couldn't. Sorry for the confusion there!

HolgerDanske Sun 22-Nov-15 14:59:52

If she wants you there then yes, absolutely, I would go. Yes it will be upsetting but you don't avoid pain by hiding from it, you work through it and things become ok again. Sheltering your children from perfectly normal difficult things like saying goodbye to someone you love is just odd IMO and not very healthy. And yes, I know you can say goodbye at home but it's not the same is it.

I would feel terribly sad for her leaving from the airport on her own. But that's just me.

I actually think your husband is being a bit, hmmm, silly is not the right word, not sure what is, but if my partner was ill to the point of probably not being able to go, I'd be stepping up to the plate on their behalf, not hiding away to spare myself the pain. But that's just me.

SurlyCue Sun 22-Nov-15 15:00:21

No yanbu. You have a proper family goodbye at home. She is old enough to understand with this and she should have the sense to see it is wise.

ImperialBlether Sun 22-Nov-15 15:00:45

It is really awful seeing them go off like that (though they do come back sooner than you think!) You can't put your own health at risk; that's just crazy. Personally I think your husband and your eldest son should take her to the airport.

I hope she has an amazing time. What a lucky girl!

ElBandito Sun 22-Nov-15 15:01:28

It doesn't bode well if she can't even make it to the airport on her own! If you are too ill to go she should understand, especially if it could make you so much worse. If your DS wants to go could he travel with friend's parents?

onlyoranges Sun 22-Nov-15 15:05:54

Thanks. The situation has been complicated by my illness or otherwise my old self would have gone and supported the kids etc but it adds a layer of complexity to the situation. I can't go shopping locally let alone a long train journey way. But I guess I could do it with planning. I am going to count up the yes v nos!!

DoreenLethal Sun 22-Nov-15 15:08:18

If she is old enough to go round the world on a trip she is old enough to realise that you are sick and can't just run around after her like that. Her dad surely can take her and your son and you say goodbye at home.

TheBunnyOfDoom Sun 22-Nov-15 15:08:24

I really think someone should be there. If you're too ill to make it, that's fine, but I really think your DH should go and offer her some support. It's not about her being incapable - she's not going to see you for months and she's probably excited and terrified in equal measures!

I think you'll regret it if you don't go, and I think she'd feel a bit abandoned if her friend's mum is there and she's on her own, tbh.

DoreenLethal Sun 22-Nov-15 15:09:19

I am going to count up the yes v nos!!

Even if everyone says yes, they are not you and suffering your illness. If you are too ill to go then stay home.

MrsTerryPratchett Sun 22-Nov-15 15:09:33

There is a toilet in Heathrow where I cried several times after waving my now DH off when we weren't living together. Tell your DH that there will be people crying all over the airport. Being upset is normal and natural and lovely. The younger children will be upset but that's also normal.

I would go if you can. Your DH should certainly go. These are the memories that are important.

Moonax Sun 22-Nov-15 15:09:58

I think in your position I'd ask myself if I'd regret not going. If the answer is "yes" then I'd go. I'm not sure there is a right answer here, only whatever works best for you.

stareatthetvscreen Sun 22-Nov-15 15:11:05

oh well if u r counting smile

illness wise i am in the same position as you - my dcs have always done these sort of occasions with either dad or grandparents present

if she is old enough to go she is old enough to do this smile

SoWhite Sun 22-Nov-15 15:11:26

Don't go. It doesn't matter where you say goodbye.

Why are you so devastated? You bring them up to let them go. Please don't make her feel guilty about leaving.

WinterBabyof89 Sun 22-Nov-15 15:11:48

YANBU.

I'm also of the mind set that If she's old enough to travel the world, then she's old enough to factor in other people's feelings/circumstances and have a farewell at home

Bonywasawarriorwayayix Sun 22-Nov-15 15:13:01

If you are seriously considering going despite the difficulty it would cause you, I think your DH should step up and go. So what if he gets upset? He's unlikely to see anyone he knows at the airport.

Nanny0gg Sun 22-Nov-15 15:13:05

At the very least your DH should go (and take his grip with him).

You should only go if your health will take it, if not, don't.

wheelsonabus Sun 22-Nov-15 15:13:12

Does she know how ill you are? If so, she'll understand. Does she really want to do this knowing you are so unwell?

CoraBeth Sun 22-Nov-15 15:14:17

sowhite
op is also very ill. I imagine she'd love to go if well.

HolgerDanske Sun 22-Nov-15 15:15:07

No honestly you're ill, you shouldn't go.

But I still think her father should go.

73dexter Sun 22-Nov-15 15:17:20

My dd went off travelling in August and I don't think I would have been able to not see her off. However, I am not ill so I think your well being should be the deciding factor.

rumbleinthrjungle Sun 22-Nov-15 15:19:23

Having a chronic illness myself I have some idea of how much impact this kind of trip can have and the effects can go on for weeks or even months. It sounds like you are seriously, lifethreateningly ill and bringing on the exhaustion, pain and big knock back, potentially affecting your chances of surviving this, just for the sake of her having someone to wave her off at the plane gate? It's plain silly.

Never mind 'will you regret it', illness just doesn't give you that kind of luxury. If she's a big enough girl to go off travelling by herself she is plenty old enough to understand not to be selfish about wanting her 'perfect send off' however badly that affects you. She's perfectly well able to say goodbye at home, she's perfectly able to pick up a phone at the airport and she needs to grow up a little. It's not all about her.

Please don't make yourself worse and affect the rest of your family for the sake of her perfect hour in the airport. She will live without it, she'll be fine without it, the consequences for her are not significant at all. For you the consequences of going are potentially very serious.

LemonySmithit Sun 22-Nov-15 15:19:33

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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