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to be miffed about this?

(69 Posts)
NewnameforSunday Sun 22-Nov-15 09:03:33

Goddaughter S remarried several years ago. She has 2 DCs from her first marriage and 1 DC from her second. Her DH has 1 DC the same age as S's oldest. They live some distance away and I only see her and the DCs when she visits her parents. I've only met her DH and his DC a handful of times over six years.

I've never bought presents for her DSC and neither have her DH's extended family and friends bought presents for her DC from her first marriage. The grandparents on both sides do - they know all the DCs well and see all of them a lot.

Her older DCs are of an age when they want to choose their presents so I send S an amazon voucher to be split 3 ways. She buys a present and wraps it from us for her youngest. The older DCs always let me know what they've bought and she tells me what she's bought for her youngest. I sent a voucher last week.

This year she's told me that she and her DH will be splitting the voucher 4 ways to include DSC because her DH's extended family (religious) have agreed that Christmas has got out of hand and all will be making "substantial" charity donations from now on with a token present for DCs. This agreement does not include the grandparents who will be as generous as they always are.

I'm not really happy about this because the older DCs know exactly how much I send and may well think I'm being a bit mean this year. And I think she should have asked first.

Bit of a back story, her DH has a habit of being a bit mean to S's DCs and obviously favours his DC in all ways to the point that she has threatened to leave him. So I don't think it was her decision to split the money.

Reading back, I probably am being U and a bit petty. But I like to choose who I buy presents for.

TheoriginalLEM Sun 22-Nov-15 09:08:14

its quite simple- don't buy one without the other

DoreenLethal Sun 22-Nov-15 09:11:52

Tell her 'no - you will split it three ways as that is the present I have chosen to give or send it back'.

Or - can you cancel Amazon vouchers and just sent them three separate ones?

strawberrypenguin Sun 22-Nov-15 09:13:08

If it's always been done that way and everyone was happy I think you are right - I'd be a bit annoyed too. In the future could you send your godchildren a voucher each in a named envelope, or wrapped in a small box?

ftmsoon Sun 22-Nov-15 09:12:54

Send the 3 children a voucher each? Then the 4th will know they are definitely left out of your present.
If someone sends DD a voucher, I won't be choosing, buying and wrapping on their behalf. DD will simply get the voucher.

TheoriginalLEM Sun 22-Nov-15 09:13:38

its quite mean to leave one child out

JumpingJack56 Sun 22-Nov-15 09:14:58

On the one hand, it's your money so of course it's up to you what you spend it on and it's understandable to feel put out when you've sent X amount to be spent on gifts for each child but are then told that isn't happening so yanbu to be a bit miffed in that respect.

On the other hand though I could never ever send gifts to a family and exclude one child because they aren't 'blood' even if it was a smaller token gift, it sits really uncomfortable with me and I as the mother would have done the same in splitting the money so their step-sibling wasn't left out. I would have took the bull by the horns though and asked you to stop buying if you couldn't include them all sooner. So Yabu in this respect imo

Sighing Sun 22-Nov-15 09:33:37

You're a godparent to her. She has a group of children to whom she has some responsibility. Why would you support her relationship with her genetic responsibilities and not those she has chosen? As a godparent do you not approve of her decision? Are you against remarriage?
If this is purely they are her (genetic) offspring why gift at all? None of them are related to you genetically.

Seeyounearertime Sun 22-Nov-15 09:34:49

her DH has a habit of being a bit mean to S's DCs and obviously favours his DC

Her DM has a habit of being a bit mean to S's DSC and obviously favours her DGC.

Seeyounearertime Sun 22-Nov-15 09:35:47

*Dgm even damn touch screen missing letters ut

Ragwort Sun 22-Nov-15 09:40:08

I tend to agree with Sighing - your role is to support your Godchild.

However if you have decided to buy gifts for her children it does sound mean and petty to leave one (step) child out - I am a step child and my step-father's family have always included me equally in gifts.

NewnameforSunday Sun 22-Nov-15 09:40:43

The arrangement has always been that his family don't buy for the DCs from S's family and we don't buy for his DC. That was his decision when they married and he let everyone know that's how it should be. I think that arrangement should continue.

WeirdCatLadyIsFeelingFestive Sun 22-Nov-15 09:40:47

Obviously it's your money and you could tell her that you only want the buy for the three DC. But I think it is very mean of you to exclude her dsc. I could never just buy for three out of the four children.

LuluJakey1 Sun 22-Nov-15 09:45:02

Well if that is what you think, and you clearly don't want to change your mind, get on with it.

No point coming on here asking AIBU and just wanting to be told YANBU.

YABU by the way.

NewnameforSunday Sun 22-Nov-15 09:47:23

I said "I think". I'm still not sure.

I don't think it was right to take money from the other DCs to give to DSC without at least asking me first. Or does everyone think that's OK?

AtSea1979 Sun 22-Nov-15 09:50:34

It's a tricky one, on one hand it's your money and up to you who you buy for but on the other hand leaving a child out is a bit petty especially as it won't be cost you anymore just the other DC a bit less but as its one gift voucher presumably it doesn't necessarily get split evenly 3 ways? As maybe one DC gift costs a bit more, one costs a bit less etc depending on what they choose so there may well be credit left over anyway or S will pay the extra bit if it goes a little over?
I'd keep the peace and say nothing and welcome the extra child or next year choose to send present for S only as she is actually your GD not the others and as parent of 4 she probably doesn't get much for herself.

NewnameforSunday Sun 22-Nov-15 10:00:48

I want to carry on buying for the others. I see them quite often. Haven't seen DSC for a least 2 years, probably more.

S's DH decreed that we should not buy for his DS. Nor should his family buy for S's DCs. I suspect that was because he thought his DS would get less if they bought for the others. Now he's decided that I should buy for his DS without even asking me if I want to, and has taken money from the the other DCs.

OurBlanche Sun 22-Nov-15 10:08:25

All you can realistically do is tell her, and him, that it is fine for them to share out the voucher but that you would like to have been told that he had changed his mind so you could have sent a larger voucher for all 4 of them.

As long as you include him directly in that message you will have been pleasant, if PA, and plonked the problem back in his lap.

From your posts he is a pillock all ways round. So don't worry about it, your friend will work it out.

GloGirl Sun 22-Nov-15 10:10:12

Well, if he was so forthright when making he arrangements you should feel equally able to phone him up and talk it out.

To be honest I wouldn't mind splitting it 4 ways, it almost reads to me that you don't like her husband and therefore won't include his child. That's mean spirited and I do think it's fairest that all 4 children are treated equally. Perhaps he's also changed the stipulation for his family.

One voucher for every one sounds trouble anyway, send gifts or individual vouchers.

NewnameforSunday Sun 22-Nov-15 10:16:53

I don't like him much, that's true, because he's so horrible to the older DCs sometimes.

GloGirl, I said in the OP that his family are now only buying token presents for his DC. That's why he's decided to pinch the money from the other DCs.

I send one voucher because the DCs don't have amazon accounts. They choose what they want and S orders it.

MascaraAndConverse89 Sun 22-Nov-15 10:25:19

I don't think YABU.
In future I would just buy presents for the children and send them. She can't exactly cut one of the gifts in half to give the dsc a share of it can she?
It's not your problem that the grandparents have changed their gift arrangements. What your goddaughter has done is beyond cheeky Imo.

SaucyJack Sun 22-Nov-15 10:26:59

YABU. I get that you don't like the husband, but that still doesn't mean it isn't unpleasant and childish to send a voucher to a family and demand it's only spent on three out of the four children within.

<insert some tired cliche about punishing the child for the sins of the father yadda yadda yadda>

MascaraAndConverse89 Sun 22-Nov-15 10:28:09

I should add that my parents give me £100 every year for my children but not my DSC, to buy gifts to open on Christmas morning. I don't give my children less in order to give my DSC some of it, especially as DSC will be getting presents from mum and her side of the family.

TheoriginalLEM Sun 22-Nov-15 10:28:41

not the cchild's fault is it. you don't like his dad so you don't buy for him. Its abit shit if you ask me.

MascaraAndConverse89 Sun 22-Nov-15 10:29:32

£100 each for my children.

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