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To be at wits end with my daughter?

(6 Posts)
XyloMylo15 Sat 21-Nov-15 20:00:30

She has just turned 20.

She dropped out of school after her GCSEs. She didnt have an easy time while she was there. She is quite the introvert and most people find her a bit odd. She just completely lacks in any proper social skills what so ever. She does have a few friends who she has known a long time because as a younger child she was a lot more confident.

She was bullied badly at school. She made some bad choices for herself which I cant go into and it made her an easy target. She just completely lost her confidence and rarely goes anywhere. She has suffered from depression/anxiety and has never really seemed to of come out of it.

She works part time, unpaid for a friend who started up her own business. We agreed with her that she could do it for a year to help her out a bit. But she wants to do it for longer.
We cant support her forever. She doesnt ask for much really but even paying for food and keeping her housed does cost us money.

She rarely goes out. Shes more interested in sitting at home playing on her xbox, doing colouring in and playing with her old toys. This is 4 days a week at least. She just showing no interest in getting a "proper" job. She just refuses.

I dont know how we are supposed to help her. We have paid for different types of therapy and she says it doesnt help.

AIBU to feel frustrated?

ShebaShimmyShake Sat 21-Nov-15 20:08:24

Is there any chance she may have a form of autism? If so, a proper diagnosis might help you to get the support you both need.

Is there anything she might be passionate about that could awaken some zest for life in her? Would she be interested in trying dance, martial arts, drama, art classes, something like that? I'm inclined to encourage something that uses her body as well as her mind (dance, martial arts, drama etc) as that is more likely to get her to stir on every sense, but anything that gives her a sense of creative and expressive fulfilment would help.

And no, of course you're not being unreasonable to be so frustrated and worried.

Unreasonablebetty Sat 21-Nov-15 20:13:35

Maybe she doesn't feel like she's worthy of getting a job, it does sound like it would be out of her comfort zone.
Can you take small steps with her on this?
Like just break it down a little? Maybe say to her that it's time to start looking for a part time job, and you want her to apply for say 10 a week?
Or maybe a full time job that she would love? It sounds like she could well be stuck in a bit of a rut, I think you need to just discuss with her how she feels, and what she wants out of life, and she needs some steps setting out so she can get there in however much time it takes her.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost Sat 21-Nov-15 20:32:07

Oh bless you both. It's hardly surprising that your poor daughter suffers socially after enduring years at the hands of heartless bullies. The little shits really do not understand or worse still care about the damage they do.
I was bullied as a teen, so therefore the prospect of going out into the bigger and to me scarier world absolutely terrified the living day lights out of me. But luckily I bit the bullet and never looked back and thankfully I've turned out fine, so ttasts one in the eye for them cunts. But I do suffer from depression and anxiety and panic attacks. Could that be one of the reasons.
Have you thought about getting her to go to her GP and getting referred for counselling.
You say your DD has depression and anxiety and she's never came out of it, but with the greatest respect op. Anxiety and depression is not like a sore throat tysty you can shake off. It's a deliberating desase of the mind. That often never goes away. However it doesn't have to be a life sentence. Is she on medication.
She also works part time unpaid for a friend. She gives up her time, very unselfish. I think you have a good kind hearted daughter, there. Shes amazing. Is there not the possibility that her friend can make this something more permanent. Your DD must enjoy being there and I'm sure her friend must trust her.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost Sat 21-Nov-15 20:36:01

Maybe say to her that it's time to get a part time job and you want her to apply for 10 a week.
With the greatest respect to you, Betty on the whole excellent advice. But shes not at the Job centre.

Unreasonablebetty Sat 21-Nov-15 20:54:40

Liveinalighthouse.... I just think that way the OP would be sure that her daughter is taking enough action to get a job, and her daughter also knows a realistic expectation of what she should be reaching.
Of course it wouldn't be exactly the same as the job centre, but clear outlines usually work best don't they?

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