To think whilst I may have not behaved perfectly, they're the ones being unreasonable?(37 Posts)
Woke up the other day to a massive email from MIL basically telling me how much I've annoyed her these past few years.
Bit of background: we rent their house from them, just over half of wages goes on the rent. (The house is mortgage free) they rent in another area and our rent pays there's really, they have to add 150 to theirs. (I'd love to only pay 150 rent tbh!) when I moved in they had chickens which has dug up the whole garden. I asked if we could rehome them as they were attracting countless rats due to the feed, this seemed OK and reasonable to me? I also wanted a garden for my children if we were paying 100s in rent..they also left their dog behind, I was under the impression we would look after the dog until they moved somewhere that accepted pets, they were under the impression that seen as we had the house cheap we'd basically keep the dog. I didn't want to for several reasons, the dog hair was never ending, I was pregnant with second DC and I didn't want to work my life around a dog tbh. I couldn't go out on days out really as I always had to get back to the dog. (rent is 100-200 cheaper than market rate) they took the dog to their house and all was fine, their LL was ok with that. She wants to raise the rent by £100 and to start it in Jan, I don't have a problem with this but I did ask if it could start in Feb as Jan would be when I would have an operation which I have been waiting for for months..I would need 4-6 weeks recovery and DP wouldn't get paid in that time. Al I said I was a bit worried..(that's when the massive email was sent)
Another thing she noted was car seats (I have posted on MN about this before!) I stayed I wanted DS to remain rear facing as long as possible as I had recently found out it was safer, she completely ignored me and bought a forward facing one. I also said I'd like a high back booster for DD, again this was completely ignored and she was put on a booster cushion. I hastens to add I did offer to pay for the car seats! My sister dropped my DD off and she had a booster cushion due to the fact that my DD regular seat didn't fit well in her car. (we later found out it was the headrest causing the issue and now DD uses her HBB in her car as well) this greatly annoyed MIL and she insisted I was doing some amateur dramatics.
Another thing was a holiday she wanted us all to go on. I'd just had DD3 and didn't fancy flying three little ones over to Portugal, I also worried about he cost, they offered to pay for it all and this wasn't something I felt comfortable with, if it was say a week in Wales or something then it would of been different. I just didn't like the thought of travelling. I also offered to pay them back but they insisted we forget about it.
Apparently I've disrespected her, She said she knows different families have different values and I need to respect that? not quite sure what she means by that.
So AIBU? Have I acted horribly? I have always made a point of saying thank you for anything they have OFFERED to us, we've never asked them...
If you've got this far well done! Sorry it's so long..
do you have a formal tenancy agreement with MIL or just a family arrangement type situation?
That's our plan ESD. I hate feeling beholden to anybody!
Yes we have a formal tenancy agreement Broken.
the sooner you get out of that house, the better. How long do you have to stay there?
Sorry forgot something another thing that seems to have set this off is our car.
It broke basically, and we had to take out a loan to get a new one as we had no savings. They offered to buy us a cheap run around, whilst we were very grateful this we did mention that it had to be quite big as were a family of five and have a double pram and still need three car seats, this wasn't acceptable to them and was a case of we will get what we're given even though it didn't meet our needs as a family...we never ask them for this stuff so to make out we are ungrateful and always want their money is a complete misconception!
None of it seems very bad tbh.
If you rent off them you should either all be happy with it or move on. I'd be very grateful if someone gave me a good rent reduction, and I'd have made my decision whether I was happy with chickens and dogs before I moved in. It would be kind of them to hold the rent increase for one month however unless it leaves them short? Why is do not earning that month?
Decline their car seats politely.
I'd have bitten their hand off for the hold tbh. Totally in preference to a
wet week in wales.
If I were you I'd be trying to communicate and restore peace. Others will probably suggest differently.
Nanny, he isn't speaking to them, he is rather quiet on the subject though tbh, he has told them that they were out of order to send the email in the first place. That's about it really. The email was directed to me and me only. DP is amazing.
Arfarf we can leave whenever we are on a rolling contract now. Thankfully!
Sounds like MIL thinks she can tell you how to live as she (in her eyes) is being so generous with the rent. I would think about moving.
As mentioned above what is DP saying about this? Or does he feel beholden to his parents?
poo he will but it will be half his regular wage. I'm due to have an operation as the recovery time is a few weeks so will need his help with the children. My mum is also helping but can't drive either and I won't be allowed to after the op. Tbf the dog was a misunderstanding the chickens I pretty much mentioned straight away. I could understand if they doted on them but they didn't seem to bothered tbh, they never came over to see he dog or the chickens..
He feels he's in a horrible position now, he has said them email was out of order though. He isn't speaking to them. I also think he's a bit scared of standing up to them, though not to sure why, they can be very overpowering though. I know that myself.
I think you need to keep family and business separate with this one.
Move house and don't accept their gifts (cars etc) because they are all coming with strings attached which are (unsurprisingly) pissing you off. Of course you shouldn't have to have a dog. Of course you shouldn't feel you have to pay out to go to Portugal etc.
The car seats thing - either you say to her "you are welcome to have dgc in your car as long as you have the backward facing seats" or you just ignore it and allow her to transport them in her ones. You can't let her transport them but also feel angry about it. I would be tempted, as long as they are correct seats, to leave that one.
Don't accept any more special deals.
You have a DP issues I'm afraid.
DP needs be the one communicating with his parents instead of you.
Also I would of decline the seats but they already purchased them..
And the email is ridiculous. Emails are supposed to be passing on information, not a cowardly way of complaining to a family member.
Thanks for your email. Please feel free to come and discuss with us.
Zz and yy
It sounds as though you need to cut the purse and apron strings and stand on your own feet as a family.
I think until you do, nothing much is going to change.
It's lovely when parents are willing to help out, but not if it comes with strings attached.
Agree with pp, you do need to move house and become more independent of them over other things too, then it won't matter what MIL thinks or doesn't think is right. It sounds like she has a lot of power at the moment but in some ways you are allowing that to happen?
Were definitely moving and not accepting any more of their offers of help. That's why we got the loan tbh, we didn't want their help. I think so random but I think because this email was addressed solely to me it's a me and them issue. DP will fight my corner though. He's not the best communicator admittedly, he just cuts people off..though I don't know how much longer that can happen regarding his parents.
In some ways I am. I find them very overbearing and I'm not very good at confrontation. I'm not assertive.
To me if I help someone or give a gift it's because I want to, and it doesn't come with conditions.
Reply to her email asking her to discuss it face to face. Also look for somewhere else to live. You were a bit unreasonable about the holiday though. Lots of grandparents do this.
Make sure you don't send back a long email - keep it as short and pleasant as possible. Keep the upper hand. Perhaps
We were surprised and disappointed to receive your email. Please do organise a time to come to speak to us about it, if you wish.
Xx and Yy
Keep it that you are a team. Ignore the fact it was written to you alone - make out you both have the same reaction. Ensure you suggest they come to you (your territory). They won't. They are very cowardly themselves if they send emails like that.
If they come (highly unlikely), pleasant smiles all round and "yes we've come to the conclusion it's probably best all round that we move". "We certainly don't want you to be feeling as upset and angry as you obviously do" "no we're not sure what our plans are in terms of where we will move to but we will of course let you know as soon as we have confirmed with the letting agent".
So they own a property outright and could live free of accommodation costs, but they don't because they let you live in it? And what you pay them doesn't enable them fully to pay the rent another property, they have to pay a bit on top of what you pay them?
If I've got this right, is this the source of the problem?
See I personally can't think of anything worse than flying a 5 year old, 14 month old and a 12 week old to Portugal..just saying it is stressful if I'm honest.
And I've already replied to the email, what's the saying? Don't respond straight away? Yeah I didn't do that. Don't see how we can come back from this really. My email was less than nice but did answer everyone of her grievances.
plus a few other home truths
But you know that isn't the case with them, and even if you accept nothing else from them, you are living in their house and therefore they will think they have a hold over you.
To be honest, your DP is being utterly useless saying that the email was out of order but then putting his head in the sand and not talking to his parents. He should be the go between, as he is the link between your family and them. If he doesn't want to be, all the more reason for you to move out.
None of you have treated the tenancy well. You asked for the rent increase to be delayed - you wouldn't do that with a letting agent, if they told you it was going up it'd be going up or you'd be leaving, providing it was done legally - and they seemed to feel that they'd offered you somewhere to live for cheaper, provided that you looked after the chickens/dog/generally were very involved in life with them. Which works, for some families, but not for yours.
How soon can you give notice?
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