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To not let DC stay in a smoky house?

(48 Posts)
MagicFinger Sat 21-Nov-15 08:36:17

My mother was a heavy smoker and my brother and I had to grow up in that environment.

I don't smoke and I try to make sure my children aren't exposed to cigarette smoke.

Ex DH is now staying with DM while his house purchase goes through (long story) and DC spend the weekend with him at her house.

She has always denied smoking in the house although it smells heavily of smoke... Yesterday evening I called round unexpectedly and she was puffing away in the sitting room (where DC play) with cigarette ends in an ashtray, knowing full well DC are coming today.

I'm really upset, aibu?

takeapictureframe Sat 21-Nov-15 08:38:15

No, YANBU. I would hate for mine to be smelling of smoke. I'm genuinely unsure of what you might be able to do, mind you - a lot depends on your relationship with ex. Your feelings are absolutely not unreasonable though.

MagicFinger Sat 21-Nov-15 08:42:05

Ex and I get on well and he shares my concern. He has said he'll speak to her. He wasn't there last night it seems.

Caboodle Sat 21-Nov-15 08:54:53

Yanbu-mine were not allowed in my parents' house because my Dad chose smoking over them. Your exDh's Mum has a choice to make.

MagicFinger Sat 21-Nov-15 09:05:28

It's my mother not his.

Should I not allow them to go today?

Shesinfashion Sat 21-Nov-15 09:08:39

Her house, her rules. You can appeal to her better nature and explain your very natural feelings on this but ultimately you can only stop your child staying over. If she chooses to smoke in her own home then so be it.

TooGood2BeFalse Sat 21-Nov-15 09:39:26

Why would you drop around someone's house unexpectedly in the evening?

MamaLazarou Sat 21-Nov-15 09:42:18

It's her mum.

OpheliaMoo Sat 21-Nov-15 09:45:07

It's her Mum's, why wouldn't she drop round? But as others have said you can't really stop her smoking in her own house but I guess you could choose not to send DC. FWIW I don't take DD into the houses of people who actively smoke in them. And I HATE the stink!

DeepBlueLake Sat 21-Nov-15 09:47:32

Yanbu, I refuse to put my child in that sort of environment which will effect their health after my own health being affected due to my dad being a heavy smoker when I was growing up.

I would ask your mum kindly if she could smoke outside as it's in the short term.

frillybiscuits Sat 21-Nov-15 09:54:01

YANBU, my exFIL will rarely ever see his grandchild because of this. He lives 5 hours away and smokes so excessively. Literally just sits in the living room and smokes 10 fags in an hour. I went down to visit with exP earlier on in my pregnancy (exP drove down) and I ended up having to fork out a £100 ticket to come home to get away from the smoke. ExSMIL smoked outside as she understood that the smell of smoke made me throw up (had bad sickness at the time but was only time exP could get off work) but exFIL was very stubborn and hated the idea of getting his fat ass off the sofa to walk 1 metre to the door. So I could barely keep any food down.

This was the first time I had met them so hadn't been prewarned about the smoking and exP didn't seem to care either, happily smoked there next to me whilst I was carrying his child. Hence why he's an ex. I understand it's their home but when a small (especially unborn) life is concerned exceptions should be made. I had to stand outside every time he had a fag which was quite a lot and very unfair. I am an ex heavy smoker myself and would make special effort to be away from pregnant women/children when smoking outside. It really isn't that hard. My mum is quitting smoking and getting an ecig, she's been smoking for 25 years but is considerate enough to put her grandchildren before herself (*sorry for long post*)

GhoulWithADragonTattoo Sat 21-Nov-15 09:54:25

YABU I think. She was smoking when the DCs weren't actually there. It's not ideal but it's her house. This is only a temporary arrangement so I'd just accept it. Ask her to not smoke when the DCs are in the room though.

SirChenjin Sat 21-Nov-15 09:56:51

YANBU

If nothing else, living in a house for a weekend which stinks of smoke would be my idea of hell and I wouldn't subject my kids to it.

frillybiscuits Sat 21-Nov-15 09:59:20

It doesn't matter if she's just doing it when they are not there. It is still extremely harmful since third hand smoke is a thing. www.no-smoke.org/learnmore.php?id=671

spillyobeans Sat 21-Nov-15 10:00:57

Yanbu. My mil does same and denies it, other day she was walking next to pram and lit up and went to touch ds face- i had to say please dont angry

peggyundercrackers Sat 21-Nov-15 10:06:47

Yabu- it's her house so she can do what she wants in it especially when your dhiclren aren't there.

mommy2ash Sat 21-Nov-15 10:11:09

I hate smoking but yabu it's her house she can smoke if she likes. Your ex should make other arrangements to see his kids

Pseudo341 Sat 21-Nov-15 10:18:02

I'm a bit baffled at people saying OP is being unreasonable because it's her mums house and she can smoke in it if she likes, that's not the question. Of course someone can smoke in their own house if they want to. OP YANBU for not letting your kids stay in a smoky house, I certainly wouldn't do it, their health has to come first. My dad was raised in a smoky house and it's given him a lifetime of lung problems.

Oysterbabe Sat 21-Nov-15 10:23:07

Yanbu. I wouldn't allow my children to stay there.

TooGood2BeFalse Sat 21-Nov-15 10:27:27

I agree, kids shouldn't be around smoke. I just think it seems like your mum is doing ur ex a favour, and thereby enabling your children to spend needed time with Dad. If she smokes in her home alone,that's her choice. If you (quite rightly!) don't want your kids around second hand smoke, you and DH need to find a different place for contact. Hope you manage to sort something out

goodnessgraciousgoudaoriginal Sat 21-Nov-15 11:29:35

you would be unreasonable to expect your mother to smoke outside - ideally yes, but there's no reason why she should when she is - essentially - doing you a favour by watching the children.

However, you wouldn't be unreasonable by telling her that you will be making other arrangements from now on, as you don't want the children in a house that stinks of smoke. Especially since she quite clearly lied to your face about smoking indoors. She is entitled to smoke inside, but not to lie about doing so.

GruntledOne Sat 21-Nov-15 11:34:18

goodnessgracious, where do you get the idea OP's DM is doing her a favour by watching the children? They're only going there because her ex is there, not for babysitting purposes.

Timri Sat 21-Nov-15 12:20:02

I'm a smoker, and I never smoke in the house, even when kids are not here.
Kids grandmother smokes in her house when kids are not there, but when they are there she goes outside. This is fine with me, but may be because I'm a smoker myself.
If I wasn't I would probably feel different.

PiperChapstick Sat 21-Nov-15 12:36:51

Why would you drop around someone's house unexpectedly in the evening?

There's always one on every MN thread who makes an unhelpful comment and picks at a random part of the OP. What is the point in asking this? hmm

KingJoffreyLikesJaffaCakes Sat 21-Nov-15 12:45:42

Keep them away.

I get really ill if I've been around smoke.

Sore throat/earache kind of ill. Not horrific but unpleasant enough.

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