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to think we should be "besties"

(22 Posts)
Needabiscuit Fri 20-Nov-15 20:52:08

Ok, so I need to know whether am over-thinking this, and that my relationship is all good,

Tonight me and my partner have had an argument over something that in all honesty is quite silly, by it has made me think about the bigger picture, meaning where the fuck do we stand with our relationship,

It started off quite light hearted and he ended up telling me a secret about a couple we know, I asked why he never told me before , after being told years and years ago, and his reply was you didn't to know!!
someone slept with someone's boyfriend

The back story is I have always said to him, that we are meant to be each other's best friends, that if we can't have a friendship then our relationship may not survive, and that we should always tell each other everything, whether it's mundane or something big, he didn't get what I was saying, and replied that I just wanted the gossip!!hmm

So, am I being a twat??

EatShitDerek Fri 20-Nov-15 20:54:16

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

patterkiller Fri 20-Nov-15 20:59:21

DH is my bestie most of the time, however, he has drunk lose lips so I don't tell him anything that can be remotely conveyed as gossip. He knows this and isn't surprised that I know something a long time before he does.

mintoil Fri 20-Nov-15 21:00:28

Sorry, YABU. Also, if he is your partner and your best friend, that would make a pretty sizable hole if things went pear shaped wouldn't it?

Of course you should be friends, you should like and respect as well as love each other, but I don't really see why you should have to tell each other everything.

It might be helpful for you to think about why you have reacted so strongly to this that you are questioning your whole relationship? Past relationships or family and friend issues? Obviously you are really upset, so here's some wine

Most people wouldn't even have registered this I don't think.

Oysterbabe Fri 20-Nov-15 21:02:01

DH isn't my bestie and I don't feel the need to tell him everything. No secrets from him obv. but I don't gossip to him like I do girlfriends.

zoobaby Fri 20-Nov-15 21:02:44

Unless it was your DP involved with sleeping around then you didn't need to know.

There are some things I know about my friend that DP doesn't need to know so why would I tell him? If someone told my DP something in confidence, I'd seriously question his discretion if he then blabbed it to me.

Steamedcharsiubun Fri 20-Nov-15 21:03:21

If he was asked to keep this a complete secret then unless the secret would cause you direct harm then of course he shouldn't have told you.

You are a bit of a twat but there have been debates on here a few times where people think that keeping a secret, does not include keeping it from their partner. Partners are not extensions of ourselves and I have never understood this stance.

Needabiscuit Fri 20-Nov-15 21:09:11

I know you wise people are right,
But I think it's more "why would't you tell me" as in, I know he said spoken to his mates about it, and he knows I would never spread gossip around and ruin anyone else's relationship,
I do feel we don't connect always, and this has brought it to my attention again,
If I say anything to him, he just twists it around 180, and finds another issue to have a pop at,
I will have another large glass of the good stuffwinechocolate

tuilamum Fri 20-Nov-15 21:09:05

I had a friend who would tell her DP everything, anything you told her he would then also know so I was very careful about what I told her after that. I was friends with her DP so I didn't mind with some stuff but I was slightly hurt that she was telling him everything without telling me. I've always had the philosophy that I will tell my DP all of my secrets but other peoples secrets are not mine to tell.

RatherBeRiding Fri 20-Nov-15 21:36:05

I will tell my DP all of my secrets but other peoples secrets are not mine to tell.

Exactly. Think you AB a bit U. I don't think being honest with each other is the same as telling things that have been told to you in confidence.

OddlyLogical Fri 20-Nov-15 21:41:05

My DH is my best friend, but I don't think that means we should tell each other everything - especially when it involves other people!
If a friend has told me something in confidence, then I wouldn't tell him, and I'm sure he keeps his friends' secrets safe too.

CFSsucks Fri 20-Nov-15 21:43:33

YABU, he shouldn't have to tell you every little thing that is shared with him.

flightywoman Fri 20-Nov-15 21:54:15

I think YABU. I don't think best-friendship automatically means that you tell someone everything. I don't tell my best friend everything, especially not if it's gossip about someone else.

But based on your update post, this isn't about not being told that particular bit of information is it? It's a metaphor for other things you aren't comfortable with in your relationship. IMHO.

chipsandpeas Fri 20-Nov-15 21:58:22

YABU, he shouldn't have to tell you every little thing that is shared with him
just like you dont need to share everything with him

i used to have a friend that told her DP everything that was going on in my life......it pissed me off, he brought thing ups that i had told her in conversation, we didnt stop being friends but it did make me keep things from her
thank fuck she saw he was an arsehole and dumped him

TwoSmellyDogs Fri 20-Nov-15 21:59:36

Is it just me who hates the term 'bestie'? Maybe it is?

<<curmudgeonly>>

TimeToMuskUp Fri 20-Nov-15 22:00:08

YABU because there's loads of stuff I don't tell my DH, and I imagine he probably doesn't tell me things I'd probably love to know about.

Now, I don't tell him certain things because he doesn't give a shit, or will judge the person/people in the situation. He doesn't tell me stuff because he has no idea it's something I'd be interested in or want to know.

Also, my DH isn't anywhere near my best friend. My relationship with him is entirely different. However, if he twisted stuff I said around to suit himself or we didn't have a connection, I'd be inclined to worry about the relationship just as you are. Can you talk to him about how you feel (once you're not on the wine)? Would he listen?

BadLad Fri 20-Nov-15 22:03:04

Is it just me who hates the term 'bestie'?

hubbies and wifeys should always be besties, hun

MsVestibule Fri 20-Nov-15 22:06:18

I love my DH, he's a good dad and we have a great marriage. But he's not my best friend, not even close. I just have a completely different relationship with him to that of my close friends. It doesn't bother me at all.

TBH, I'd be more concerned by your second post.

MsVestibule Fri 20-Nov-15 22:07:43

No, I'm not over keen on 'bestie' either but I do try to stop being such an old fart and get down wiv da kids.

Clearly I fail miserably.

TwoSmellyDogs Fri 20-Nov-15 22:11:01

hubbies and wifeys should always be besties, hun <<scratches fiercely at teeth>> grin

I like being an old fart Ms - it's possible I was born to it but even if not I am settling comfortably into the role. Lols @ 'down wiv da kidz' though! grin

Needabiscuit Sat 21-Nov-15 09:58:30

Maybe I'm making it sound worse than what it is, I clearly am being over-sensitive, now I feel I'm in the wrong topic group!

We have had issues since the baby has arrived, only because we don't spend anytime together, and when we do, we watch a boxset, and he tries to jump my bones, and I have few friends around the area, since we moved a little while ago, and no longer have my own car

I have only ever written the term "besties", never actually said it out loud!! I thought it was the done thing these days!! blush

RhiWrites Sat 21-Nov-15 13:28:07

Imagine you had a close female friend and she told you something personal about herself, something sad and upsetting, and you shared that thing with your husband because you think that couples should tell each other everything.

Do you think that your hypothetical female friend would be fine with that or would she think your husband didn't need to know her personal business?

I love gossip and I like to know things but I also know my partner would keep something told in confidence to himself and I admire him for that.

There are more ways to find closeness than sharing everything you know or do. I totally get you about the boxset watching and the bones jumping - so work on that and spending real meaningful 'quality' time together and reconnect. I think a lot of couples go through a phase of readjustment after a new baby.

So yes you should be besties but that doesn't mean sharing weird hookup stories! Find another way to regain that closeness.

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