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AIBU?

To allow my son a relationship with ex

18 replies

OnTheEdgeToday · 20/11/2015 18:57

My son is 11. I dont get on with my ex. He was emotionally abusive to me, but he had a fantastic relationship with my son(not his). We do have a son together who he is also great with and sees him regularly.

When we split, my son obviously lost out, too and doesnt see him anymore. He sees him sometimes at the school and a couple of weeks back asked if he could go to his. Ex had said it was fine, but ds would need to speak with me first.
I had text his mum to ask about it, and apparently nothing of the sort had been spoken about at all, according to ex.

My son was understandably upset as he is adamant this conversation did take place.
Today, ds is asking the same thing. Saying ex had said he could and i just needed to text his mum to say if ds could go or not.

I have text to ask if this is the case, and the reply was maybe another time.

OP posts:

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DoJo · 20/11/2015 19:10

I'm a bit confused - whose mum do you need to text?

OnTheEdgeToday · 20/11/2015 19:16

My exes mum - he doesnt have a phone and most contact goes through her because of this, if its not done at the school

OP posts:

aprilanne · 20/11/2015 19:18

i feel sorry for your son .he is maybe nagging ex to come with his brother and ex just fobbing him off but not really wanting to take him .if so thats so hurtful to a small child

MammaTJ · 20/11/2015 20:20

Just tell your son that he gets alone time with you while your DS with your Ex goes to him.

He is clearly 'being nice' when your son says he wants to go there, but that is leading to mixed messages! You need to be the strong one and un-mix things!

You want to keep him home, you want to spend time one on one with him!

Northernparent68 · 20/11/2015 20:27

I'm not sure I'm getting the issue, if both boys want a relationship with your ex, and your ex has a good relationship with them, then yes I think you should encourage it.

If the problem is a logistical problem, and some one is denying having a conversation, I would ask the boys to organise a visit when the see their father/ step father at school, or send another text to your ex mil.

However Texting your ex mil over complicates things, and having third parties involved increases the chance of miscommunication. Can your ex get a phone, or could you e mail him ? Vist him in person to arrange contact ?

MoriartyIsMyAngel · 20/11/2015 21:27

NorthernParent Her ex is telling the non-biological child he would like to see him, but then is only taking his biological child, and representing the non-bio child to look like a liar.

MoriartyIsMyAngel · 20/11/2015 21:30

I'm afraid there's not a great deal you can do OP. Maybe try and have a heart to heart with your ex, explain that your 11 year old misses him. I don't know, perhaps you could offer to cover any costs he incurs if money is tight?

But if he was emotionally abusive to you, it's entirely possible that he will now be emotionally abusive to your ds because he knows that hurting him will hurt you? Is there any way you can avoid them meeting?

OnTheEdgeToday · 20/11/2015 21:41

That is what i am terrified of. Especially with the issue of making out my son had just made it up.
Part of his abuse tactics with me was to deny conversations ever happened so id question myself.

I just know that it could have been a miscommunication between ds and ex, and i may be using my own possible poor judgement, due to past experiences with him and jumping to conclusions with my thinking iykwim.

I would prefer them to not have a relationship any further than the school gates. It isnt just about me though.
Will my son resent me if i just say no without even trying to help build a relationship between the two of them again...

Are they just politely trying to fob my son off. My son is big enough to handle a no. I also dont want to come across as though i am trying to force a relationship because for all i know, ex is not telling his mum any of this. Ex may even be saying he hasnt even seen my son, which then just looks like im expecting and assuming for him to take up some kind of father figure role.

OP posts:

mommy2ash · 20/11/2015 21:55

I wouldn't encourage this at all. Your ex is displaying the same behaviour now with your son as he used with you. Your son should be shielded from this. Your son is 11 he knows if a conversation took place or not.

MrsTerryPratchett · 20/11/2015 22:59

He's gaslighting a kid, and you again. Time to explain that to your DS. Sorry

DioneTheDiabolist · 20/11/2015 23:06

Your DS had a convo with your Ex and then one with you. You spoke to your Ex's mum. She talked to your Ex, then she talked to you about what they said.

Have I got that right OP?

Brioche201 · 21/11/2015 07:54

You need to speak to the organ grinder not the monkey.it is entirely possible his mum knows no thing a out the situation.leave a message by mail or email for him to ring you.leave his DM out of the equation

whois · 21/11/2015 08:21

I don't think it's about you 'allowing it'. Sounds like he doesn't actually want to keep a relationship with his non-bio son but hasn't the guts to be straight with him when he speaks to him.

whois · 21/11/2015 08:22

Also how does he not have a phone of some kind? Strange set up not to have access to either a landline or a mobile.

Hissy · 21/11/2015 08:54

Why are you allowing contact at all with a man who is abusive? This man is abusing BOTH boys, he'll turn your son with him against you, and make your own son resent his brother.

If a man is too abusive for you, a grown adult, what chance does a young lad have? Contact is for the benefit of the boys. From where I sit, there is no benefit to either son.

OnTheEdgeToday · 21/11/2015 09:08

I had got social services involved when i left because of our son. Concerned that if he was doing it to me, he would do it to our son. Social services did an assessmen and deemed him safe and of having a great relationship with both his son and mine. They spoke to my son and my son never expressed anything other than a good bond with him. So when this has came about - i have got confused because i dont personally want any kind of relationship going on, but i dont know if i would be being unreasonable to my son if i straight out said no iykwim.

I think it sounds right where he doesnt have the guts to say no. As for mobile, he very well might have one but i dont have the number or anything. Contact through his mum works for us as he lives with her. Its very rare that we do make contact. Unless we need to pass info over regarding my son.

Contact was classed as in our sons best interest.

OP posts:

TheTigerIsOut · 21/11/2015 09:10

That is really sad, and it will be a difficult call. The situation is obviously affecting your child and it will not be long before he feels rejected.

This situation is not permanent, your son eventually will get the message that your ex is not interested in meeting with him, so in the meantime try to organise something for DS to look forward to, on the day your other child is with his dad.

And no, a day with you won't do, he's craving male company, invite some of his friends around, sign him for a class where he can meet other boys, etc.
Keeping him distracted and happy will make your child's transition out of ex's' life more bearable.

Hissy · 21/11/2015 12:46

Social services know fuck all. He is playing god with both your sons.

Stop this nonsense now. Trust your instincts..

Don't forget who made your ex... His mother/family. She's as guilty as your ex is of not only your abuse, but your sons too.

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