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Would this be a friendly gesture or insufferably smug?

(30 Posts)
UsedtobeFeckless Fri 20-Nov-15 10:38:28

Right ... It's my birthday in a couple of weeks and I'm going out for a meal with my family and a few mates ... I'd like to invite another friend ( Call her Enid ) She knows everyone who'll be there and is a pretty outgoing person - trouble is she was really, really upset a few months ago when it was her birthday and her kids and sister forgot and her boyfriend took her at her word when she said she didn't want a fuss and didn't make one ... The resulting apocalyptic row rumbled on for weeks and is still a thoroughly sore point.

I'd like Enid to come but I don't want her to think I'm doing a Hey-look-everyone-remembered-MY-birthday type one-upmanship thing ... ( If I hadn't sorted out my own get together it wouldn't have happened! grin )

So - am I being paranoid? What would you lot do?

molyholy Fri 20-Nov-15 10:39:54

You are being over sensitive. I'm sure she would love to attend.

bialystockandbloom Fri 20-Nov-15 10:42:37

I'm sure she wouldn't see it as any comment about or comparison to her own birthday - I know I wouldn't. Her fight is with her (rubbish) DP and family, not with you. It would probably be worse not to invite her actually - then she really would feel snubbed. If you would otherwise have invited her (if all this hadn't happened) that shouldn't change what you do. Invite her.

rogueantimatter Fri 20-Nov-15 10:44:28

If you think she'd enjoy it I'd invite her. You can acknowledge how thankful you are for your nice family and friends. Thank her for coming.

Hope you all have a lovely time.

DawnOfTheDoggers Fri 20-Nov-15 10:44:31

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Enjolrass Fri 20-Nov-15 10:49:32

Difficult to say. Enid sounds like a drama queen. It's shit her kids forgot . But I assume she told them the same as her dp, that she wasn't bothered .

She shouldn't really be upset about people remembering your birthday as you actually arranged something. So people couldn't forget you birthday.

But if she has form for making it all about her I would probably not bother.

MorrisZapp Fri 20-Nov-15 10:54:52

It doesn't count as remembering a birthday if you are invited to an event.

If Enid had booked a restaurant and asked her loved ones to come, she could have avoided feeling crap on her birthday.

Personally, I don't expect anybody other than my mum and my sister to actually 'remember' my birthday. If I organise something, my friends are delighted to attend. Otherwise, their busy schedules don't really have space for organising other people's social lives.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Fri 20-Nov-15 10:57:50

Ask her. If she doesn't want to come she won't.

InTheBox Fri 20-Nov-15 10:59:25

I think you're overthinking it. Just invite her and be done with. If she's miss mardy bum then you know where you stand.

NoSquirrels Fri 20-Nov-15 11:02:16

It's your birthday, invite who you like - how could it possibly be offensive to Enid to get an invitation to a night out? If you're genuinely worried she'll take it that way, then she is a drama llama.

WorraLiberty Fri 20-Nov-15 11:05:23

Of all the names you could have chosen, you chose Enid?? Do you secretly hate her? grin grin

It would be a nice gesture to invite her.

It's not your fault her birthday went tits up.

UsedtobeFeckless Fri 20-Nov-15 11:09:47

Cheers everyone ... I will ask her smile I did think she was being a bit thin-skinned!

I felt a bit sorry for the boyfriend who was working shifts and sent a big bunch of flowers but still got the silent treatment for a week - he wasn't to know "Don't worry" actually meant "Surprise me with a weekend in Paris" and the sister sent a facebook cake and a "Lets go shopping" message so she didn't totally forget either ...

KeepOnMoving1 Fri 20-Nov-15 11:11:40

Enid didn't want a big fuss and she got that. If she wanted one she shouldn't have behaved like a martyr and then cried.
I think you're overthinking it.

Rachel0Greep Fri 20-Nov-15 11:14:55

Go for it, especially as you are organising it, and there will be other mates there. And happy birthday, in advance chocolate and cake.

lorelei9 Fri 20-Nov-15 11:22:50

who says "don't make a fuss" and wants a fuss? Sheesh.

Jux Fri 20-Nov-15 11:35:22

Definitely invite her. If she's wistful about no one doing anything for her birthday, just tell her you've organised it yourself.

DH was always crap about my brithday, but made a massive fuss of his own. He was the only person I knew who would always buy himself a big present! Eventually, I wised up and now buy my own present too. Funnily enough, since I started doing that, he's got a lot better!

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost Fri 20-Nov-15 14:01:36

Not at all would it be smug. It would be more smug if you didn't invite her. "
"Not only did everyone forget your birthday Enid, but I'm also leaving you out of my birthday meal. Hows that for kicking you when you're down.".
I'm sure she'd be delighted to go, I know its your birthday and absolutely all about you but. How long ago was Enid's birthdsy. Perhaps you could make it
Into a joint birthday meal to make a fuss of Enid as well. She must be feeling pretty low.
Oh and happy birthday cake

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost Fri 20-Nov-15 14:02:45

Oh don't know when it was obviously but cake for Enid, too.

UsedtobeFeckless Fri 20-Nov-15 15:39:48

Nah ... Sweet thought Ilive but it was a couple of months ago so I think the moment's past ... She's accepted the invite so we're all fine, I think! ( I did take her out for lunch the next day - so I'm not a totally crap friend! grin )

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost Fri 20-Nov-15 15:42:22

You're an amazing friend

cariadlet Fri 20-Nov-15 15:45:22

I felt a bit sorry for the boyfriend who was working shifts and sent a big bunch of flowers but still got the silent treatment for a week

If the boyfriend had totally forgot her birthday I'd have felt sorry for her. But as she had said no fuss, and he was doing shift work, then I reckon she was lucky to have got the flowers.

UsedtobeFeckless Fri 20-Nov-15 15:47:06

blushsmile She knows too much to upset! grin

Pootles2010 Fri 20-Nov-15 15:48:22

Enid needs to get her shit together and stop being a matyr. Good on you for organising your own!

UsedtobeFeckless Fri 20-Nov-15 15:53:28

Spontaneity is lovely and all but I wouldn't have a clue how to organise a surprise birthday thing for someone else and would get quite anxious in case they really didn't want a party or a fuss or whatever so I'm much happier doing it myself and then I know it's what I want to do and everyone else is turning up because they want to!

It's just so much less stress! grin

Pseudo341 Fri 20-Nov-15 15:56:21

Well of course everyone will remember your birthday, you're reminding them by organizing your celebration yourself! If she wanted the same, she should have done it. Frankly I don't think she has any right to complain that her boyfriend didn't make a fuss when she told him not to make a fuss, what sort of stupid behaviour is that?! My MIL always used to remind everyone when her birthday was coming up because she wanted a bit of a fuss (since being widowed), she trusts me to remember it now I've know her a while so doesn't remind me, and we tend to remind BIL to make sure it doesn't get missed. This woman sounds like a drama queen, I'm not sure I'd want her at my birthday party, and I'm usually the sort to try to see the best in everyone, she just sounds very silly and stupid. If you want to celebrate your birthday don't tell people you don't want to celebrate your birthday FFS. I appear to have got a bit ranty, I'll stop now blush

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