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To be furious at mil...yet again!

(83 Posts)
Somadrightnow Fri 20-Nov-15 10:04:26

You've probably read about my ongoing issues with my mil on other threads.
Basically dh went nc with his dsis after she ignored our dd from birth- she was apparently mad that he didn't have enough time for his nieces and other slights she'd wrongly took Offence at- we tried number our times to sort things out she wasn't interested- just increasingly nasty and vile (FB rants, abusive msg etc).
Mil blamed us entirely for the fall out in the beginning and went on to try to ruin our wedding beforehand and during because we hadn't invited the dsis.
Since then mil said she had spoken to a few friends family members and realises that dsis actually was the root of the arguments and she was going to remind neutral from then on she wouldn't be picking sides anymore.
It was her 60th bday last weekend she told dh she wasn't going to have a party- you know what's coming next...yes there was a party the dsis and her kids were invited obviously we were not and our dd was excluded yet again (we've been told mil can't see dd at Xmas or last Xmas because it upsets the dsis too much!)
I'm just mad my dd is treated like a second grade grandchild because sil stamps her feet its ridiculous.

CocktailQueen Fri 20-Nov-15 10:05:53

She's not going to change.

You can't change her but you can change how you react to her.

Disengage, step back.

LimboNovember Fri 20-Nov-15 10:06:56

Its really sad but I would err on the side of caution exposing a child to a MIL and grandmother who feels she can behave like this.

I would try and extricate yourselves from your mil altogether. There are sides ( your mil has created them and sil) and your mil has chosen her side.

stop expecting more from a woman who clearly has no integrity.

Somadrightnow Fri 20-Nov-15 10:24:29

We see her every few weeks so not every often these days. I'm just sad for dd that she's not included in family parties etc there's a wider family party clming up that we won't be going to again- because his dsis can't be civil- so dd will miss out on that too she's never met his grandad or aunties/uncles, but dsis kids will be there.

fairyfeatures Fri 20-Nov-15 10:27:41

Why do you want your child to be involved with this family?

You also have a DH problem. Tell him to sort his mother out or he goes NC with her too. Inviting the SIL and not inviting you is not remaining neutral!!

chillycurtains Fri 20-Nov-15 10:28:10

So have a pre-Christmas party or January get together and invite all the wider family that you want your DD to meet. It's not being unkind as your sil won't allow you to attend the other events. It would only be unkind if you were excluding her without cause. Or have a big birthday party for DD and invite everyone to that?

ThatsNiceDear Fri 20-Nov-15 10:28:14

Sounds like you'd all be happier and better off in general if you went no contact with all of them, MIL and SIL. This is who they are, they'll do it again and again and you'll only be upset and disappointed. In the end you're only going to be angry at yourself for putting yourself in the position where they can do this to you all again.

KeepOnMoving1 Fri 20-Nov-15 10:30:15

yanbu, that's awful but it's pointless. They are who they are. You feeling upset is just not going to change anything or them.
Agree that your dh needs to deal with this.

Somadrightnow Fri 20-Nov-15 10:37:28

Think he's at a loss now at what he can do- he told her in no uncertain terms after the wedding we would not put up with any more grief from her regarding dsis- which is when she went off and came back with the realisation that dsis was at fault.
Don't think we're suppose to 'know' about this but pictures are on mil FB (you can guess who posted them).
So all he could do would be to say 'thanks for not inviting us' and I can pre- empt the response would be something along the likes of 'it was a surprise' or dsis organised it.
I feel so sorry for dh he just wants a quiet life.
Added issue is I'm due to give birth around Xmas so we will have to see mil in the near future for when she wants to see the newborn.

bluebolt Fri 20-Nov-15 10:38:45

I have found in circumstances where people go NC no matter how justified they tend to be the one excluded at family gatherings. Even when this happens in friendship groups to avoid animosity they do not invite the one who is not speaking under the premise that they would not attend if X is invited and feel that the person has took sides by inviting X in the first place. Does not stop the pain especially when children are involved.

Costacoffeeplease Fri 20-Nov-15 10:42:43

Why will you have to see her? I don't understand why you put up with it?

BarbarianMum Fri 20-Nov-15 10:42:55

I think if you go NC with part of your family, it does mean that you have to miss out on whole family gatherings - unless you host them yourselves. What if she (MiL) had invited you? You couldn't have gone because you're NC with your SiL - or would you expect her and her family to be excluded?

I'm not saying you are wrong to go NC but it does mean that you need to be more proactive in inviting grandparents, aunts, other cousins round to yours.

MyLifeisaboxofwormgears Fri 20-Nov-15 10:45:29

DSis has more power over your MIL - who is clearly happy to lie to your faces.

My SIL has also ruined our family dynamic by banning me and my father from her house. My brother sneaks around behind her back to see us. DD is also not able to have a "normal" family life.

Luckily this has gone on for some years and we have a good set of friends who are more than family now. We join in their extended family Christmases and I think we actually now have a better time than if we saw SIL - who is an alcoholic and utterly nasty.

If people side with manipulative gits then they are as bad and avoid them all.

mrsmilktray Fri 20-Nov-15 10:51:42

That sounds awful, however it was your choice to have no contact with SIL - not MIL's. If there is a family gathering then what should MIL do?

Somadrightnow Fri 20-Nov-15 10:53:18

I think she should have invited or us or at least been honest and not lied.

TillITookAnArrowToTheKnee Fri 20-Nov-15 10:53:56

Im NC with mother. Every single wider family event, she is invited to, we are not.

I stopped giving a shit a long time ago. I dont want me or my DCs exposed to mother or her enablers.

MyLifeisaboxofwormgears Fri 20-Nov-15 10:56:40

The thing about selfish and crap people is - they are always selfish and crap and you can't really expect anything else.

So, every time it happens they are just showing who they are and that avoiding them and ceasing to care is the only way forward.

mrsmilktray Fri 20-Nov-15 10:57:36

But she can't invite you because you're NC with SIL. She probably thought it would be easier for you to not know. Yes she should have just been honest and told you the truth, but she's in an awful position really.

TillITookAnArrowToTheKnee Fri 20-Nov-15 10:57:37

Latest example: Grandma whining I never visit her or help her. Im good enough for her to want me to do her shopping (I never have) but not good enough to invite to her birthday meals every year hmm Dont know why she thinks Id be interested in helping her, shes a vile woman who encouraged my mother to abuse me.

WorraLiberty Fri 20-Nov-15 11:11:26

What was she supposed to do, being as though your DH has chosen to go NC with his sister?

She could hardly have invited him and left the sister out.

I think this was the only way.

Freezingwinter Fri 20-Nov-15 11:14:53

She sounds like an idiot. In fact she sounds like my mil, who wants to see my Ds unless Bil gets jealous (no babies yet) in which case she thinks it's acceptable to ignore all of us including her only grandchild. Don't worry, she won't change, but when your dd is old enough she will understand fully that her grandmother is a useless waste of space.

TillITookAnArrowToTheKnee Fri 20-Nov-15 11:16:24

The point is that its always the people who go NC that get excluded - therefore giving the abuser another "win".

Why is it okay for MIL to exclude her son, but not her daughter? It further enables horrific behaviour.

BarbarianMum Fri 20-Nov-15 11:16:42

I think she should have invited or us or at least been honest and not lied.

She shouldn't have lied. But, if she hadn't, even if she'd invited you, the outcome if she hadn't would have been the same - you wouldn't have gone, your dd wouldn't have spent time with the extended family because you have chosen to go NC with her dd.

WorraLiberty Fri 20-Nov-15 11:20:08

The point is that its always the people who go NC that get excluded - therefore giving the abuser another "win".

Yes but firstly (especially from a parent's POV) there are two sides to every story. It's very rare that only one side is completely blameless.

Secondly, the person who chose to go NC will at least have weighed up the possible repercussions before making that decision.

The other people will have had no say in it.

WorraLiberty Fri 20-Nov-15 11:24:01

And also OP you say...

So all he could do would be to say 'thanks for not inviting us' and I can pre- empt the response would be something along the likes of 'it was a surprise' or dsis organised it. - Perhaps it was a surprise and perhaps dsis did organise it. Do you have any proof to the contrary?

I feel so sorry for dh he just wants a quiet life. - Then advise him not to comment on the party at all.

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