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Not sure how to handle this...

(66 Posts)
Freakingthefeckout Thu 19-Nov-15 13:23:14

I am very aware of how utterly selfish this is going to sound, and I think it's a direct indicator of how numb I am at the moment.

I have been planning this social event for over three months. Venue is booked, I'm spending the day putting the food together with two friends tomorrow, I have very little money at the moment so decorations and the like were bought on a very thin budget. This event is important to me because over this last year I've barely seen any of my friends and this will give me a chance to reconnect with them.

My ex-employer has texted me this morning to tell me that her elderly father has finally passed on. She wants me to go to them now. I really don't want to.

To explain, their family were in crisis from last December and I more or less dropped my entire life to help them, hence why I have barely seen my friends. I took care of their children day in and out on top of my day job and in a lot of ways went above and beyond what could be expected of me. It had a severe knock-on effect towards my social life, my family life and eventually my mental and physical health. Recently, having left my day job, I was informed by them that I wouldn't be needed as much for the next year and pretty much dismissed.

I am really resentful of being asked to drop everything again. I won't be able to leave my home until late anyway as I live rurally and I need to wait for a lift, said lift won't be here until late tonight. And tomorrow was supposed to be my food prep day, I would be fine with going to sit with the kids for a while but I just know that if they say I can leave by four, I won't be able to leave until six or later. They have done that to me so many times before. Saturday is completly out unless I cancel the event and lose the money I paid for the venue or bring the kids with me, which I've had to do in the past and don't want to do again. Sunday is doable but the fact that I haven't dropped everything will likely mean a load of PA nonsense being thrown at me.

She has a husband, she has friends, she has a brother, it's not like she has nobody or I'd be more understanding. As it is I can't help feeling really angry about this and I hate that I feel this way.

Can anybody tell me how best to handle this?

esiotrot2015 Thu 19-Nov-15 13:26:06

Say no
Don't make up an excuse just say * sorry I've got plans*
Don't feel guilty at all xx

Twitterqueen Thu 19-Nov-15 13:25:53

Yes I can tell you. You take a deep breath and say "I'm very sorry but I can't. I have important commitments and they have priority."

Or, simply. "No."

blobbityblob Thu 19-Nov-15 13:29:06

You have no obligation at all to this person. Just say how sorry you are but no unfortunately you already have plans/commitments which you can't alter.

Floggingmolly Thu 19-Nov-15 13:32:13

Yes, just say no.

TheOriginalWinkly Thu 19-Nov-15 13:32:49

You have plans
They have used you and taken the piss time after time.
Do not cancel your long standing plans for people who don't give a crap about you.

LittleMissAIBU Thu 19-Nov-15 13:35:16

Please don't cancel your plans, just tell her you can't help because you have plans, don't explain yourself, you don't have too or need too. flowers

Birdsgottafly Thu 19-Nov-15 13:36:38

You have no responsibility towards your ex employer and I don't think you're thinking clearly, at all (meant in the nicest possible way).

You have plans, you can't help.

It's for families or really close friends to rally round at the time of a parents death, I lost my Mum a month ago.

They shouldn't be making these demands of you.

MaidOfStars Thu 19-Nov-15 13:36:23

You have no obligation to this person, just say no. hmm

GruntledOne Thu 19-Nov-15 13:37:38

You have absolutely no obligations to them. Tell them it's not possible. They will manage.

BlueMoonRising Thu 19-Nov-15 13:40:14

Don't be a martyr. It would be lovely to help of you could - but you can't. You have other commitments.

With everything else you have been through, you need to prioritise your health and wellbeing. It sounds like you maybe have been prone to always putting others needs first.

It's okay to put yourself first sometimes. This is one of those times.

SaucyJack Thu 19-Nov-15 13:41:20

I suggest you re-arrange the words off and fuck, and then text them to her.

Is there a backstory as to why a former employer has such a hold over you?

BlueMoonRising Thu 19-Nov-15 13:41:49

Hmm, reading back my first sentance sounds harsh, I didn't mean it to be. Sorry!

KeepOnMoving1 Thu 19-Nov-15 13:42:36

She has just asked you not summoned you to be there! You have other plans, it's really as simple as that. Giving her long winded explanations just makes you sound guilty which you should feel.

Arfarfanarf Thu 19-Nov-15 13:42:58

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pasturesgreen Thu 19-Nov-15 13:43:43

Just say no. Please don't feel guilty about it.

It's your ex-employer, not family or a close friend. You're under absolutely no obligation whatsoever to this person.

Hope you have a wonderful time at your party! wine

SallyStarbuck Thu 19-Nov-15 13:45:33

The more important question is why you think you have to say yes?

PingpongDingDong Thu 19-Nov-15 13:46:01

Ok, so this person is not your employer or a family member? You have to be assertive and straightforward and say "no, I really can't come and help this time. I have something else on" and leave it at that. They sound like a nightmare!

MistressoftheYoniverse Thu 19-Nov-15 13:46:10

I know you will feel guilty but find the strength to say NO you have plans x

Finola1step Thu 19-Nov-15 13:46:17

Have you posted about these people before? The situation earlier on in the year sounds very familiar.

Whether you are the same poster or not, I will say the following. You are a good person. You are a kind and supportive friend. But you have been taken advantage of. You have done the right thing in pulling away from these people to protect yourself. You are not selfish. Your self preservation radar has kicked in - this is a very, very good thing.

It is sad that they have lost a family member. But they have treated you very poorly in the past. Simply send your condolences in a card. Don't go over. Don't get sucked back in.

Continue with your plans. I hope you have a fab time with your friends.

ImperialBlether Thu 19-Nov-15 13:47:31

Are you a nanny to the children?

You really can say no, you know. You should do this by text or email if you feel you're going to get bullied into doing something you don't want to do.

Just write and say:

"I'm so sorry to hear about your father. I know how much he meant to you. I'm afraid I won't be able to come and help out as I've got other commitments now. I hope everything goes well for you all. Best wishes..."

No rational person would expect you to put down everything and race to her side when she's an ex employer!

Then I think you need to think about how you respond to people generally - do you let people walk all over you?

PingpongDingDong Thu 19-Nov-15 13:50:33

Imperial is absolutely right. Think about it as if this was a friend in your place. They have no claim on you or your time.

BadlyBehavedShoppingTrolley Thu 19-Nov-15 13:51:38

This is not difficult. You just say 'I am sorry but I am hosting XYZ event tomorrow and I just can't drop everything and come to you. You know I would if I could, but I can't.'

There. Done.

OstentatiousBreastfeeder Thu 19-Nov-15 13:51:33

I'm confused. I've read your post three times now and I can't understand why your ex-employer would want you to 'go to them' and basically act as their skivvy. It seems like such a strange expectation of someone you've not employed for a year.

Were you her elderly father's carer? Her nanny? Indentured servant? confused

In any case, give her your condolences and say no, you have plans.

GruntledOne Thu 19-Nov-15 13:53:19

For all she knows you have another job now which you certainly couldn't drop to go and help her. I can see you're a kind person and are probably thinking about the children, but I don't really understand why you are even thinking about the logistics of going to help when the reality is that they won't be grateful to you for messing up your life and taking so much trouble on their behalf, and they've treated you pretty badly in the past.

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