to be upset about my mum going on holiday(75 Posts)
I've name changed for this as don't want it linking to my other threads.
I'm pregnant and have a 3yo DD. My mum supports a lot with my DD in general and with childcare. We see each other 3+ times a week.
DD currently goes to nursery and this will be continuing when I go on maternity leave to keep up her routine etc although will be getting upped with the government funding hours just before I'm due.
My mum has said throughout my pregnancy she would have DD when I'm in labour and at hospital and offered to help out with nursery picks ups/drop offs when I'm on mat leave because I need to get the bus to do them and I was worried about how I'll manage heavily pregnant and because DD arrived 3wks early and I'd spoken to her about how anxious I was that this could happen again.
She told me a few weeks ago that she's now going abroad on holiday the immediate 2 weeks before I'm due. At first I was surprised that she'd chosen this time to go but don't grudge her a holiday and really appreciate everything she does. I did ask why that particular time and she said so she'd be back for the baby coming to help out however she arrives back 2 days before the baby's due date and DD was 3 weeks early.
I thought I was okay about it but now I can't stop worrying and can't sleep for thinking about it. I don't know what DH and I are going to do if I go into labour before she's back. I'm worried I might have to go to hospital myself so he can be with DD.
In the past few weeks I've started worrying about the labour (I'm terrified) but knew at least DD would be looked after and DH would be with me. Now I'm a wreck, can't stop crying and not sleeping panicking about how I'm going to manage the nursery run and what will happen if I go into labour early as with DD.
I just don't understand why she'd decide to go away at this particular time? I've spoken to other family members about helping out but one fell out with me for asking and the others hardly see DD anyway and work full time and I can't guarantee when I'll need them so it's a logistical nightmare.
I know people do this all the time so I'm prepared to be told I'm def BU, a spoiled brat etc. Any advice would be welcome.
If your mum said she would be there to look after your DD and now she's letting you down then yanbu.
Yes your mum is perfectly entitled to go on holiday but if you and she had a previous agreement then she should have honoured that.
I know there's no guarantee of when I'll have the baby but because of the surprise early arrival of DD (waters broke when I was out shopping!) I've been preparing for this one being early rather than late.
Maybe she knows her work load will rise with helping out when baby arrives, and she wants a break beforehand?
To be honest theres not much you can do. you'll just have to hope it works out. She's not wrong for going on holiday and she does a lot for you.
I understand the worries. My parents are the only people I can rely on to drop everything, they live three hours ago and my first Labour was only 3 hours, but, like I said, these things tend to just work out.
Why did your family member fall out when you asked? What did you say?
Well as you know there's no point in worrying because it'll either happen or it won't.
Is a home birth an option?
Why wouldn't you manage the nursery run?
Perhaps she's feeling stressed that you rely on herso much?
OP If it comes to it and you have to give birth without your DH,I promise you'll be absolutely fine! I had to with DC1 and honestly, I preferred it to subsequent labour with DP there! I didn't have it worry about anyone else, just focused on myself and getting through it and I really didn't miss DP at all.
Don't be scared lovely, you can do this if you need to
That's disappointing, but not much you can do. You're going to have to try to come up with a viable plan B.
I get that about the workload but if anything it'll be less because DH will be off for 4 weeks after the birth and I'll be on mat leave so won't need her for childcare. I'm not concerned about the nursery run when the baby is actually here so okay to do all that myself.
The family member is jealous of how much my mum is involved DD's life and feels they don't see her compared to my mum who sees her several times a week. This family member works full time so can't physically see DD the same and its easier for all of us if my mum has her for babysitting as she has her own room there and bed etc. The family member is my Dad. I explained the situation to him and I'm sure he feels I'm only asking because my mum won't be available (which is true). I said I may need his help if possible but don't know what that would look like as I didn't know when it'd be happening but was wondering if he thought he could help at all if need be. It turned into an argument about how little he sees DD. I speak to him on the phone weekly and every time he mentions wanting to see her I say absolutely, anytime just call and ask. I'm available most weekends so whenever suits him. He never asks or organises a specific time just likes to spout vitriol about my mum and how much she sees DD and he doesn't. That is a whole other thread though. That conversation ended with me in tears and we haven't spoken since, plus no offer of help when I'm in labour.
I think anxiety is getting the better of you (said in the nicest possible way - I was the same in the run up to my first labour). The truth is you can't plan everything. Your mum might cancel her holiday only to fall I'll at the last moment, you may end up hospitalised for the rest of your pregnancy from tomorrow, anything could happen. I alway felt that being heavily pregnant was to be out of the normal control that you usually have over your life. Try and accept it and just take things as they come as far as you can, it will work out. Best of luck.
Whatthefreak your post choked me up. I'm an emotional wreck just now.
I feel at breaking point tbh, I'm stressed at work and this pregnancy has had its issues so this new development with my mum has just about tipped me over the edge.
Normally I'm more emotionally stable than this! I'm worrying about everything just now and every possible awful scenario.
Not having DH there would be easier in terms of the logistics because I'd be in labour worrying about who had DD and if she had to go somewhere else by a certain time etc. The thought of him not being there is awful and he's not keen on that either! I know I'd cope (I think) but would rather him there and DD was well looked after.
why are you worrying about something that might not happen....just because your first baby was early doent mean this one will be....you have a husband....let him sort it out, its his responsibility as hes a grown man....and its no biggie if your child misses nursery....it will all work out and you will realise how getting upset over it now wont change anything..we had some issues that were very similar....and it worked out just fine
So if workload will be less then does it not make sense for her to go prior?
Your DM obviously wants to go and sounds like she does a lot of childcare.
I don't think you can ask family to book their leisure time around what if's personally.
Sorry to hear about your relationship with your dad. I think he feels a bit last chance saloon. Sounds like he needs to grow up a bit though.
People are happy to help in an emergency. If you were to ring a friend or neighbour asking if you could leave your daughter with them while you go to the hospital, 99% of people will help if they can. Anyway, if this baby is three weeks early, your mum will still be here and your husband will be on paternity leave when she's away.YANBU to worry but I'm sure it can be figured out.
So she's supposed to be looking after your DD while you're in labour and she's now booked a holiday 2 weeks before your due date?? YANBU, I would be furious if my mother let me down like that. She should be on 'high alert' standby at that time - 2 weeks before due date I would say anyone helping out/birth partners need to be ready at all times - phone always on you, no getting drunk if driving is required etc.
Have you asked her, 'What if the baby comes early?' and what does she say??
I would have plans for a home birth as well as a hospital birth just so my options were open, tbh. Then get on with making my own arrangements to take my mind off being let down.
Can you not ask a good friend to be on stand by?
Albert you're absolutely right about my anxiety over this.
I like to be in control and I plan everything to the nth degree so this type of situation happens and I fall to pieces and can't cope.
diddl I'm worried about being heavily pregnant and getting DD to and from the nursery for her 3hr sessions 3 times a week by bus and getting home again in between. My waters with her went when I was out and I'm worried that'll happen again.
Home birth isn't an option unfortunately.
I hope she's not stressed and i hope she'd talk to me about it if she was. Any help she gives has been offered by her and if she's ever unable to do it it's fine, we manage, no concerns or issues. She loves helping out and being involved and I really don't think she'd have it any other way.
So she's going when you're 38weeks to just 40weeks, and last time you had DC at 37weeks? If so, that's not someone who's thought about being there for the birth. I wouldn't assume someone who had their last baby at 37 weeks would be giving birth at 40+ weeks. I don't know anyone who was early with the first go late with the second. (I'm sure it does happen, but not much)
I would also hate to give birth without DH there so can see why yo'ud feel that way. I would think you need to make alternative plans, you said your DD is at nursery, can you speak to them and ask if there's any nursery workers who would do babysitting in the evening, perhaps being prepared to be 'on call' to come over and look after DD in the evening/night and take her to nursery the next day, or take her home if you go into labour during the day when she's at nursery. (I would offer to pay a retainer for that 2 week period plus the actual time they have to have her).
All my friends work either full time or shifts and DD was a 31hr labour (2nd more likely to be shorter) so would need to try and sort back up if it's overnight. We don't have a spare room for anyone to stay, though they can have our bed. I just don't know if someone will be available for the whole time I'm in labour.
I did ask my mum what happens if I go early again and she said she forgot DD was early and to tell baby to just wait. Ha!
DH is very laid back and says it'll be fine and we'll work something out.
It's the unknown that panics me.
Sorry, just reread your OP & seen about you getting the bus for nursery runs.
I can understand that you are upset as this is something that she said she would do & you feel let down.
I would have thought though that your dad's response has really put the boot in & left you feeling abandoned.
Hopefully you will be able to sound out some freinds & neighbours.
I know it's the sort of situation thatI would help out in.
(Am in Germany otherwise would offer)
YANBU. I get very little practical help from family, so will admit to a bit of at the amount your Mum helps you. However, she told you she would be there for the birth and to help before and after, and you made plans with this support in mind. She has let you down, probably not intentionally, but still you have the right to be privately upset about it.
How much time do you have until your due date? Do you have local friends who would be prepared to help out? I think you need to come up with an alternative plan for your Mum not being there. Also, you need to remind yourself that you will be fine and your DD will be fine. You will get through this.
Sorry x-posts about the friends. Do ask the neighbours though, as diddl suggests. I've found people are generally more willing to help than we expect.
Scribble it does sound like you are very anxious about the birth - understandably. I think it is a good idea to have several options for when you go into Labour, it may well be an evening or weekend when friends and relatives can help, it might be the middle of the night. When my dc2 was born I had a 19mo ds, and we had just moved house (33 weeks when we moved) so I knew nobody. I had an early show and spent the night in hospital so I knew dd1 was going to be early my mum spent two weeks staying with us while we drove each other mad, she went home for a weekend and dd was born the next day a week early.
I had a home birth fortunately the in laws were able to come over and take ds in the early hours, as Labour started at midnight. But mum was miles away despite our plans. You therefore need a few 'what if..' plans so that you feel more in control rather than relying solely on mum.
As far as your Dad is concerned it might be an idea to get him more included in the future, if you want him to be a part of your life. Some people don't like calling and asking for a visit, they feel awkward or like they are imposing, if you are the one offering a few dates and he doesn't bite, then you know it is him with the problem and you can decide what you want to do about it.
Above all congrats, hope it all works out for you.
Oh, and regarding the nursery for your DD, are there any other parents who could help out with lifts? Failing that, you could consider keeping her home for the 3 weeks leading up to your due date. Better to miss 3 weeks of nursery than have a very anxious Mum.
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