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to think that if you repeatedly talk about someone behind their back, you should not be surprised that they are not keen to spend time with them

(13 Posts)
SpinachTeeth Wed 18-Nov-15 21:11:19

dmum does this about lots of family members, mostly her step-children. Lots of judgy stuff about disapproving of working mums and childcare, criticisms of peoples choices about money and houses, women's weight gain. The list goes on. She has led a privileged life and so it comes across as quite condescending.

But she is genuinely baffled and very upset as to why they don't want to spend much time with her and only really do the duty stuff.

In other ways she is a very kind and nice person but I am finding the constant criticism of other members of the family really quite draining. And because she seems to be fairly indiscriminate with who she confides in, I am fairly sure it gets back to the 'victim' one way or another.

I think I should probably speak to her and explain this, but she is incredibly sensitive to anything bordering criticism and this will result in her ignoring me for a while. And of course destroying me via gossip!!

SpinachTeeth Wed 18-Nov-15 21:12:27

I've messed up the title haven't I. It should say .....spend time with you.

SaucyJack Wed 18-Nov-15 21:19:52


People either have the empathy and insight to try and be pleasant company and decent people, or they don't.

And clearly your mum doesn't.

You can either feign ignorance..... or get completely pissed one day at a wedding and tell her a few home truths soap-opera stylee.

YABU to expect her to figure it out by herself tho.

knickernicker Wed 18-Nov-15 21:24:50

I would leave it. Leopards don't change their spots and certainly not elderly ones.
Anything you said would be turned into a massive self pity fest. Don't go there.

Dameshazaba Wed 18-Nov-15 21:30:02

Is she this short sighted and unkind in other areas of your life with her?

SpinachTeeth Wed 18-Nov-15 21:31:12

I think she knows I don't like it. I make a point of defending the person and therefore never join in, which she doesn't like.
But I daren't go full honest though.

Dameshazaba Wed 18-Nov-15 21:33:54

I don't want to jump on the is she a narcissist bandwagon but this kind of behavior is very destructive. I'm thinking that you may have not difficulty with her than just this? Is this the tip of the iceberg?

Dameshazaba Wed 18-Nov-15 21:34:08

*have more

SpinachTeeth Wed 18-Nov-15 21:34:22

Dame No she's a kind person but her areas of conversation are very limited. Would never discuss current affairs, politics, sport, history, geography, telly and of the 'general' topics. Always what the bloody family and neighbours are doing.

I thought I was going mad growing up.

Dameshazaba Wed 18-Nov-15 21:36:27

Well... If she is in general a nice, normal , kind woman and this has become a bad habit (slagging off dsc indiscriminately) you could definitely broach it with her, I'd have thought

SpinachTeeth Wed 18-Nov-15 21:36:41

Sorry I didn't see the second post, thanks.
She is kind and empathetic but she does things I would never do, for example talking to one sibling about the other.
Our values and moral compass are poles apart.

WhereYouLeftIt Wed 18-Nov-15 22:11:29

"she is incredibly sensitive to anything bordering criticism"
That's very hypocritical of her, considering her entire range of conversation seems to be criticising others. But I somehow expected this to be the case as everyone I know who is judgy (or 'calls a spade a fucking shovel spade'/'just wants to be honest') has incredibly thin skin.

"But she is genuinely baffled and very upset as to why they don't want to spend much time with her and only really do the duty stuff."
Well if she is genuinely upset then I would bite the bullet and ask her why she thinks that is. And then lead her to the conclusion that people hear what she says about them, and how would she feel about that in their shoes. If she goes all hypocritical 'sensitive' on you, that's her choice.

Just as an aside - in what way is she a nice and kind person?

Arfarfanarf Wed 18-Nov-15 22:23:06

So she is a nice, kind and empathetic person who is continually judgemental and critical and talks about everyone behind their backs and lacks the awareness of people to figure out that they probably compare notes and is so hostile to anything possibly approaching criticism of her (despite constantly criticising others) that you, a grown woman, are scared to tell her why people avoid her?

Perhaps she might change if you plucked up the courage to answer her truthfully when she next breaks from slagging people off to ask you why they dont like her.

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