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To be furious that exh wouldn't lend me money? (Long)

(89 Posts)
agapimou Wed 18-Nov-15 16:00:47

Me and exh separated over 2 years ago but due to financial reasons stayed living together for another 5 months, all very civilized thankfully. I eventually moved into my own flat but we stayed in regular contact went for coffee etc. After about 2 months i met a new man totally out of the blue. I wasn't looking for anyone and was actually enjoying the thought of being single for a few years. I told exh immediately, he freaked out and made several tearful attempts to win me back but I gently told him no each time.

After that he became cold and all communication stopped between us until 6 months later I received an email from him saying he had a problem with his visa (he is from non-EU country) and could I come to help. I said of course, explained everything to new partner who was really cool about it. I got on a train (9 hour journey) and stayed 10 days in his town until visa was sorted. He reimbursed me for train ticket and hotel while I was there. 1 month later he called and asked if I could come back again for 1 small detail with his paperwork, but I said no as I had just found out I was pregnant. Since then we have had occasional contact but all very friendly and nice.

Anyway, dd is 1 year old now and a few days ago I had a huge financial problem. I'm a freelance writer and a customer didn't buy leaving us without any money at all for two s until next payment was expected. We literally had no food, pampers, gas for heating, nothing. We also don't live in UK so no food banks or anything of the sort here. I emailed exh asking if he could lend me 200 euros to pass the 2 weeks (I'm supporting me, Dp, dd and MIL with just my salary). He wrote back that he was on holiday and was sorry about my situation but couldn't do anything.

First of all, being on holiday does not stop him lending me the money, he could transfer it or send through western union. He also has plenty of money so that wasn't the problem.

Aibu to be so mad at him? I understand that he still holds a grudge against me for new relationship but he conveniently put that to one side when he needed my. Financial situation has resolved itself now thank god, but I'm still seething with exh. Am I being U?

agapimou Wed 18-Nov-15 16:02:01

*two weeks

agapimou Wed 18-Nov-15 16:03:24

*my help. sorry for typos

goodnightdarthvader1 Wed 18-Nov-15 16:04:17

Why are you supporting your partner AND your MIL with your salary?

ZoeTurtle Wed 18-Nov-15 16:05:00

It doesn't sound like he's tight (reimbursing you without fuss when you helped him etc) or that he's particularly bitter about your situation (since things have been friendly). I would be inclined to take him on his word that he can't help you.

DragonboysMum Wed 18-Nov-15 16:05:10

Yes, I think YABU.

iwantbrewstersmillions Wed 18-Nov-15 16:05:26

Yes totally. He's your ex husband.

Whatabout Wed 18-Nov-15 16:06:07

YABU why on earth would you expect him to lend you money? If your finances are that tihht you need to seriously re-evaluate how you are managing financially. Just because you helped him out 18+ months ago doesn't mean he should now lend you money; he isn't your family now and yiu have moved on.

QOD Wed 18-Nov-15 16:07:31

Yes yabu.
He's your ex - seriously why should.he support, even temporarily, your new family financially?
You now have a baby and I dunno. I don't see why he SHOULD. yes it would have been nice but he was within his rights

gamerchick Wed 18-Nov-15 16:07:58

Why are you supporting your bloke AND your MIL?

PiperIsTerrysChoclateOrange Wed 18-Nov-15 16:08:06

As harsh as this sounds, he is your ex and there is no reason for him to lend you any money at all.

I don't borrow money to friends either as I can't afford to loose the money.

SlatternIsNotSure Wed 18-Nov-15 16:08:15

I see no reason why ex should have helped you out. None at all.

Aeroflotgirl Wed 18-Nov-15 16:09:05

Yanbu, you did him a favour, and wanted him to help you. Next time, don't help him, as he obviously will not help you.

DorotheaHomeAlone Wed 18-Nov-15 16:09:44

Sorry about your financial problems. Good they're now sorted but you are definitely unreasonable to expect money from him. Having loved someone in the past or even having exchanged favours does not entitle them to loans forever after. You have a new life and need to stand on your own two feet.

ginmakesitallok Wed 18-Nov-15 16:10:14

Yabu, why should your ex help you financially?

TwllBach Wed 18-Nov-15 16:10:07

It wouldn't even cross my kind to ask my ex for money!

atticusclaw2 Wed 18-Nov-15 16:10:30

He is your ex. He is nothing to do wth you anymore. He is nothing to do with your DD, your DP or your MIL. They are your responsibility not his. Why on earth should he lend you money?

Sorry but YABVVU

expatinscotland Wed 18-Nov-15 16:11:22


JennyOnAPlate Wed 18-Nov-15 16:12:33

YABVU sorry. He's your ex...your situation is nothing to do with him any more.

Babyroobs Wed 18-Nov-15 16:13:25

YABU. I don't undetsnad why you would ask an ex husband for money. Were there no friends / relatives that you could try first or arrange an overdraft or something to tide you over.

MaxPepsi Wed 18-Nov-15 16:13:58

Another one struggling to understand why he would lend you the money.

Your finances are nothing to do with him.

MushroomMama Wed 18-Nov-15 16:14:16

Yabu he's your ex partner

NerrSnerr Wed 18-Nov-15 16:15:44

YABU. He's your ex- you have a new partner now. Why are you supporting your partner and his mum?

Champagneformyrealfriends Wed 18-Nov-15 16:17:06

I think the majority of men in his situation would wonder why they were being asked to support somebody else's family. Sorry, YABU.

AnchorDownDeepBreath Wed 18-Nov-15 16:17:56

Hmm... Yes, YABU.

He's an ex, and he has no responsibility for you. He can choose not to lend money to you like any of his friends, and most people don't lend money to their friends.

You did help him with his visa application but he did pay all costs, and when he needed your help with the final part of this, you wouldn't go. Being pregnant is not really relevant to helping his application - it's a bit like him being on holiday not really being relevant to helping you.

He doesn't want to send money to you. It's his decision, and YABU to be upset about that when he has no duty to you.

I can understand you being frustrated, though. Do you have no back-up plan at all? It sounds like you're living too close to the edge to be supporting DP and MIL, they need to get jobs of their own. Preferably something cash-in-hand, this week, if you are that tight on money. I have freelanced, it is tight - you need to be realistic about what will happen if there is no work/you are paid late/etc.

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