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To be dreading going back to work?

(19 Posts)
guajiraguantanamera Wed 18-Nov-15 10:01:27

My maternity leave finishes in early January, ds will be 9mo.
I don't think I will be going back to my current job, the hours won't work with my dp's shifts, but I will have to start looking for something else.
When ds was born I was desperate to return to work, I hated the first few weeks, I felt completely overwhelmed and longed to return to work where I felt more confident and knew what I was doing, iyswim.
Fast forward nearly 8 months and I love being with ds and am far more confident with him. The thought of going back to work terrifies me, my Dp is self employed and basically on call, meaning he can get a call the at 6pm telling him he has a job the next day at 9am. So no idea how I will be able to work around that!
Ds is a pretty decent sleeper, but on the bad nights when he wakes up lots through teething I feel so wiped out the next day and can't imagine having to go to work after a night like that.. I need to man up I know!
I'm just so stressed about it all, I lie awake worrying about it all, I have a constant knot in my stomach and just feel so anxious all the time. Did anybody else feel like this, and did it all work out ok?
Sorry for rambling!

00100001 Wed 18-Nov-15 10:24:44

Ask for different hours that suit you and see how you go?

They are under no obligation to accommodate you, but you have the right to ask.

Also, if it's financially viable for you not to work, then don't - you have to do what you're happy with and what's best for your family :-)

guajiraguantanamera Wed 18-Nov-15 11:17:05

I think we will just manage on one wage, at least for a bit. The plan was always going to be that my mum (who took early retirement due to ill health) would look after him during the day while I went back to work, but her health has declined so that is no longer a possibility.
The problem with asking for hours that suit is that my partner doesn't know his hours usually til the night before. His shift pattern is so erratic, one week he can have 4/5 jobs all over the country, the next week he can be completely off, in quiet months like January this can happen a lot. He also works evenings at the weekend in a pub.
We will manage, I'm just not used to not bringing in a wage and it makes me feel guilty. But then I know that me staying at home allows him to go out to work.

Stampynono Wed 18-Nov-15 13:30:47

Childminder or nursery if it is financially worth it.

RatherBeRiding Wed 18-Nov-15 14:12:42

Well he won't always be a poor sleeper. I think we have all been there with dragging ourselves through a working day with little sleep the night before, but that stage passes. (Of course you then go on to have more DC usually so it can take a while to pass!).

You might just have to organise your childcare as though you were a LP and look upon any time your DP can help out as a bonus. Can you request to return to part-time or reduced hours if you can manage financially?

nephrofox Wed 18-Nov-15 14:24:32

It sounds like you need formal childcare for the hours you work. Then any time your partner happen to be "off" then he either keeps DS home to spend time with him, or (more likely to be useful ) does some house work!

amymumtobabygirl Wed 18-Nov-15 14:34:04

Hey,

I totally understand your pain! I am (was) a full time secondary school teacher and when I had my little girl nearly a year ago, I knew straight away I DID NOT want to leave her. The thought of leaving her made me so upset as well as not seeming worth it with child care costs. So I looked into other avenues, and I now work from home and have done for the past few months. And I absolutely love it!!
I get to spend all day with my LO and work in and around our own schedule. Id be happy to give you some more information?
Anything to help out other mummies the way it helped me
x

Hoppinggreen Wed 18-Nov-15 14:44:28

If you don't want to go back to work and it's affordable then don't.
There is no rule to say you have to and if it's what you want then spend the early years with your baby, they start school before you know it.
I was sure as hell not going to be a sahm and I can't say I enjoyed every minute but I'm really glad I did it and it worked out well for us as a family.

Word of warning though, please don't get suckered into some "mummy" mlm so called business opportunity that claims to give you an income while working around your child. There are several threads about them in here and they do target recent sahms.

Good luck whatever you decide x

amymumtobabygirl Wed 18-Nov-15 15:03:08

Totally agree!
Always do your research, weighing up all your options and just do what is best for you and baby! You will know what is right by both of you and don't feel forced into going back to work or not!
smile X

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams Wed 18-Nov-15 15:17:51

I'm sorry but I am going to be a dissenting voice.
I know that me staying at home allows him to go out to work.

You are not married - you might manage but a year from now you may be considering another child. 5 yrs from now you may have been 6 yrs out of the workforce and your relationship may have broken down. You are very financially vulnerable right now with no claim on your partners income beyond child support.

In your shoes I would be planning to go back to work. Fantastic if your place of employment will alter your hours, but if they won't I wouldn't even consider giving up my job. It is your DP's problem to sort his hours to make them more child friendly/bare his share of the childcare, and not your responsibility to make yourself unemployable and his life easy.

I'm sure he is a lovely person and thinks the world of you both and by the sound of it is working a lot of hours, presumably to keep the financial show on the road while you are on maternity leave. Think very carefully about your options and the potential consequences would be my advice.

Also - you don't have to go back to the same employer. Look for a new job while you have no gap on your CV.

guajiraguantanamera Wed 18-Nov-15 16:00:55

Some great advice here- thanks guys!
TreadSoftly don't apologise, these are all things I have considered, I definately have to consider everything you have said! I would hate to end up in that sort of situation, but you just never know
What is round the corner do you?

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams Wed 18-Nov-15 16:59:54

For what it's worth I think most people are very nervous about going back to work, even the ones who really want to return grin

It's a long time to be away, a lot can have changed or sometimes nothing which is worse.

You will worry yourself sick about your precious first born and for many staying at home to look after your own child is the only option either from a financial perspective, or an emotional one.

I have two children 5.5 and 3 and I work full time. In both cases I had in UK terms short maternity leaves returning prior to 12 months. I am lucky enough [depending on your perspective obviously] that my salary gives me childcare choices. I can honestly say that while my children have become very attached to the other people who have cared for them while I have been at work, they have honestly benefited from their time with others and I have never felt less loved by my children as a result of paying others to take care of them.

You don't say what you do but many many organisations will offer part-time hours on a flexible working basis where you do 5 short days, or 3 long 12 hour days. It reduces the amount of childcare required and your partner can manage his workload potentially to take pre-booked work on those days. I would keep your mum for absolute emergencies if she is unwell.

My advice would be to try to keep your hand in, even if that means that your DP gives up the bar work and you work on weekends instead. It would be a very good thing for him to be more hands on and capable with his own child.

guajiraguantanamera Wed 18-Nov-15 20:35:09

TreadSoftly I have absolutely no problem with childcare- looked into it last night, but so far it seems it will cost more than i would make, gonna look around though!
I am a waitress btw.
I'm just so anxious about going back to work it's making me so stressed out. I can't even imagine how tiring it must be working full time with 2 kids. Can I have some of your energy please! Lol. I suppose you just get used to it and it all becomes routine?

Hoppinggreen Thu 19-Nov-15 10:15:07

With childcare for 2 it may not be worth it financially at all.
As I said before, if you what to be a sahm and can afford to then do it.

Hoppinggreen Thu 19-Nov-15 10:16:51

Oh hang on, is this your first?
Sorry, I was confused by your post.
Anyway, what I said stil stands

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams Thu 19-Nov-15 10:41:43

Energy. Hmm I've heard of it, haven't seen it for a few years now mind you. grin

You get used to the sleep deprivation and then it all gets better eventually. I can't say that my short term memory/attention span will ever be the same again though grin Bit of an issue if you are a waitress - what did you want again?

Did you waitress during the day time? Full-time?

guajiraguantanamera Thu 19-Nov-15 15:08:05

Yeah I used to do 40-60 hours a week, usually 11-11 shifts. Obviously won't be doing that now lol.

guajiraguantanamera Thu 19-Nov-15 15:08:55

Should explain, I didn't have a contract so that's why my hours varied.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams Thu 19-Nov-15 16:59:35

God that sounds exhausting. I waitressed for a few months at uni. I was shit and hated it.

It is a form of front line customer service though and teaches some evil multi-tasking, cash management skills etc etc. No harm in looking for a new job or a move into another area if its part of a larger business.

On the upside, if you only did evening shifts 4-11 for example it might be more manageable for your partner or 3 long shifts a week where your child did a 9-7 day in childcare you would keep your hand in. Sod all point if it doesn't cover the cost of childcare though once childcare vouchers are taken into account.

There needs to be a plan though so you make sure that if you give up work now "so your partner can work" that you don't end up drifting into the life of an unpaid, unappreciated serf. Check out the Relationships board for plenty of evidence of this across the whole spectrum of incomes.

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