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to want my DC to have contact with their sibling that DH doesn't?

(77 Posts)
hotlinesling Wed 18-Nov-15 09:28:57

DH has a 9 year old daughter and we met when she was 1 and her parents had been separated since she was 3 months old. We have three further children and until April had my DSD every other weekend and extra in holidays. I often looked after her alone and we were really close. In April DH refused to swap weekends so his DD could attend an event with her mum and DSDs mum was really angry and said DSD felt betrayed and would only come for contact for the day for the foreseeable future and not stay over, even in holidays.

DSD lives about 40 miles away and her mum wasn't willing to do any travelling to accommodate this new arrangement so - without discussing it with me - he told his DD/her mum that it wasn't worth it and that he'd only collect her if she'd stay over. He hasn't heard from them since.

There's already a court order but DSDs mum doesn't think much of breaking it and DH thinks that therefore means it's pointless returning to court. He talks about DSD in passing, and seems to be of the opinion that she'll think he was reasonable when 'she gets back in touch when she's older' shock

I miss her desperately and worry so much about how abandoned she must feel. I was pregnant last time I saw her and she was so excited about the baby but now must feel replaced by her. My DC miss her lots too and I really don't want them to just lose her from their lives. I've spoken to DH but he won't budge on backing down. I don't know how it would be received but I feel like contacting DSDs mum and asking if the DC can at least have some contact. AIBU?

Trooperslane Wed 18-Nov-15 09:40:15

Your DH sounds horrible.

No advice, but he's the adult and father here. He needs to start acting like it.

I feel really sorry for your dsd.

GastonsChestHair Wed 18-Nov-15 09:46:57

Sorry but your husband sounds like an absolute arsehole.

He's the adult and should be making an effort with his child. It sounds as though he can't separate being a dad and arguing with his ex.

My own children's father hasn't seen them for 5 years and has now totally washed his hands of them because of an argument like this about contact. He couldn't have it all his way so chucked his toys.

It makes me very angry on behalf of that poor 9 year old who's father can't be arsed with her.

If I was you, I'd try again with him and of he still won't listen, tell him that you will be contacting her mum regardless of him.

He should be ashamed.

Enjolrass Wed 18-Nov-15 09:47:24

From what you said both of your dsd parents are being knobbers.

Can I asked why he refused to swop? Just because he could? Or was there a reason.

I feel desperately sorry for her.

I would recommend stepping in, the mother may not take it well and neither will your dh. Which will end up with you being in the same position.

Personally I couldn't be with a man that did this and I would be telling him that.

Birdsgottafly Wed 18-Nov-15 09:47:46

You've posted about him before and he just gets worse and worse.

My children have half siblings and there is a lot of this scenario in our family.

This blows up in the adults faces when the children get older. A loss of respect is the main issue.

I've got cousins, who desperately searched for their half sibling, as adults, he will now be very old, or died. It's tainted their happy memories of their childhood and how they feel about their parents and my GM.

He should of changed his plans and accepted day contact to get this relationship back on track.

In truth, he doesn't care enough to and his happy not to see one of his children, which is disgusting.

You are well within your rights to organise sibling contact.

DoJo Wed 18-Nov-15 09:51:14

He's really decided to cut contact with a 9 year old because she was upset that he wouldn't accommodate something that she wanted to do? That's appalling - he is depriving all his children of important relationships (sibling and parent) by taking such a petty attitude towards his daughter and I would definitely be keen to ensure that you minimise the damage to all the children involved by facilitating their relationships with one another however you can.

BertPuttocks Wed 18-Nov-15 09:51:03

Poor DSD.

Does your dh not understand that his other children may now be wondering when their dad will suddenly stop bothering to see them too? Or is he just too self-absorbed to care?

YANBU.

DragonboysMum Wed 18-Nov-15 09:51:22

That poor girl. Speaking from experience, she won't forgive him...

I think in your position I'd write to/email the Mum and explain how much you miss her daughter and ask if she has any objections to phone calls/letters/emails. Hopefully if that's a success you can move on to more.

Your husband sounds horrible and I don't think he gets to decide about you or your children being in contact with DSD. I don't think I could forgive a man who did this.

bibliomania Wed 18-Nov-15 09:51:56

You're lovely. Your H is vile.

Arfarfanarf Wed 18-Nov-15 09:53:59

my god. doesn't he love his child at all?

If that was me, I would be in court every bloody day if I was being kept from my child. 'when she's older' will be too late. She WILL resent him for not being there. More for not caring enough to try to be there. He won't be able to make that up to her by badmouthing her mother if she ever comes looking for him.

It must make you worry. If he can so easily dismiss one child, then what of the children you share?

It's more important to him to battle his ex and 'not back down' than to have his daughter in his life? He's a right piece of work. They both are, really. Neither of them appear to be focusing on the needs of the child.

Will the mother liaise with you do you think? I would try it but if she's as bad as your husband, she may not let you. But at least you will have tried.

longestlurkerever Wed 18-Nov-15 09:54:23

Your dh is being an arse. Unfortunately your meeting up with dsd won't take away her pain and confusion at being rejected by her dad. That's what he's done in saying g it "wasn't worth it" to travel 40 mins to collect his dd. I know he thinks he's just calling her mother's bluff but that isn't how she'll see it. Nor, tbh, how I see it. In his shoes I'd be taking what contact I could and be trying my utmost to build bridges with my dd, if she's genuinely reluctant, or raising hell through the courts etc if it was my ex blocking the contact. Even if it was fruitless your dsd needs to know he fought for her or he could well lose her forever, at least as a daughter who relies on him as a father. They'll become acquaintances and no more.

TurnOffTheTv Wed 18-Nov-15 09:56:45

After your other thread about him I still maintain he's an utter prick. This has just reinforced that opinion!

Nanny0gg Wed 18-Nov-15 09:58:33

Is he going to ignore your children when they cross him too?

I think calling him an arse is an understatement.

I doubt you'll change his mind, but if I were you I'd be contacting your DSD with cards and letters to at least keep in touch.

And I'd be re-thinking my relationship with such a cold-hearted man.

UmbongoUnchained Wed 18-Nov-15 10:01:54

Your husband is a cunt.

TurnOffTheTv Wed 18-Nov-15 10:02:57

I can't believe he's not bothered about seeing her when he mithers you for affection constantly.

Nanny0gg Wed 18-Nov-15 10:03:48

Just read your other thread.

It's all about him, isn't it?

If it isn't what he wants, when he wants...

He's horrible. Sorry, but he is.

Nanny0gg Wed 18-Nov-15 10:05:08

I can't believe he's not bothered about seeing her when he mithers you for affection constantly.

But she's crossed him. He wasn't in control and she chose something else over seeing him and he won't stand for it.
So I would think unless she comes back grovelling for his attention he won't ever bother again.

Cockbollocks Wed 18-Nov-15 10:06:11

I would contact her and if he doesn't like it, tough.

Also, why on earth wouldn't he swop a weekend? I will never understand the power battles that go on with children.

What a twunt.

KeepOnMoving1 Wed 18-Nov-15 10:07:15

You sound lovely and caring, but your dh is just unbelievable. He doesn't really seem interested in ensuring he maintains a relationship with her. Poor dsd, she must be missing you all especially since she knows that a new baby she hasn't met is there, she must be feeling excluded as well. But that is her dads doing not yours. Why is he not fighting for that court order to be in place. How can he expect a 9yo to 'come around' ?

WorraLiberty Wed 18-Nov-15 10:08:08

Sounds like your DSD is better off without him.

Your poor kids though. Growing up knowing that if the shit hits the fan, their Dad would think nothing of cutting contact.

Tbh I'm not sure what her Mum would think if you asked for contact.

TurnOffTheTv Wed 18-Nov-15 10:16:31

Wise words NannyOgg

Groovee Wed 18-Nov-15 10:24:12

I feel for you and DSD, but your husband is an arse of a father and needs his bollowcks cut off for being so stupid. She's a 9 year old child. She wanted to go to an event and he refused. Does everything have to be on his terms?

caitlinohara Wed 18-Nov-15 10:30:27

Why are you with this sorry excuse for a man? It's 40 miles, and he isn't willing to make an effort? shock You won't find anyone defending his behaviour on here.

Helmetbymidnight Wed 18-Nov-15 10:34:50

Everything you post about him, makes him sound worse and worse.

NeedsAsockamnesty Wed 18-Nov-15 10:39:47

Interesting that the first thing people often jump to is fighting in court.

Going by this op's other thread and this one the dad is a emotionally manipulative pathetic vindictive cunt.

This child has had 9 years of dealing with him and his ex wife a lot longer,a reasonable sensible decent human being would be addressing and rectifying their own behaviour in an attempt to fix it first rather than running back to court just because they can

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