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To be pissed off my parents have given my brother a flat deposit?

(97 Posts)
itsthecircleoflife Tue 17-Nov-15 23:44:58

Back story: Moved out a week after turning 18. Worked every hour under the sun so I could afford to live and save up a deposit. Ten years later- and ive been in my flat for nearly a year. I literally worked every hour I could to save up and at one point I was managing two jobs and studying. Never had a great relationship with my parents. They are OK I guess but very controlling and favourtise my brother so blantantly a blind duck could see it.

Hes 26. He did the whole uni, alevels etc where as I dropped out at 16 and worked. He has a very good job that will pay him very well in a few years. I can only dream of his graduate starting salary- ill be lucky if I ever make half. Parents dislike the fact I dropped out etc and that I was in a working class job and will be again in the future (made redundant last week)

Anyway- they have given him a very sizeable sum towards a deposit. Yes, he lives in London. Yes, it would take him years of saving (as it did me) and yes he wont be in the same position as me that I had a 25% deposit to put down and have low mortgage costs.

But they have given him the money. We are talking a substansial amount here. It isnt "early inheritence"

Aibu to be a bit pissed off?

chumbler Tue 17-Nov-15 23:46:45

What do you want? A cheque for the same amount? Would they help you if you needed it?

GiddyOnZackHunt Tue 17-Nov-15 23:51:13

Yanbu but there's bugger all you can do about it so it's just a waste of energy.
I was going type stuff about rewarding him for following their perceived 'done thing' route but if they've always favoured him then it probably would have happened anyway.
It is unfair but you can look at yourself and be proud. You aren't beholden to anyone (except the bank) and if you want to tell them to feck right off, you can because you did it all yourself smile
Hope you get a new job making the most of your determination soon!

Bearbehind Tue 17-Nov-15 23:52:30

It reads to me that you chose your path and your parents would have supported you if you took the path your brother did but instead you took an option which, whilst getting you out of their house, limited your income earning ability.

You have to let it go- you didn't want to stay at home/ go to uni etc and from the sound of it, wouldn't have wanted your parents money if it had been offered.

LizKeen Tue 17-Nov-15 23:52:54

No YANBU.

It isn't actually the money though, is it? It is the fact that you feel all your hard work has gone unrecognised.

It sucks having a sibling who is blatantly the favourite. The money is a physical representation of the dynamic.

captainproton Tue 17-Nov-15 23:55:32

How sure are you that this happened? I mean my father 'gave' me some money to help me get my first mortgage. It was all officially written up as a gift, but it wasn't. I had to pay him back and as mortgage was less than monthly rent i brokered a deal with him. He got his money back.

no one I told believed me that it was a loan. I'm sure my sister thinks it wasn't a loan, even though we both explained it to her.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost Tue 17-Nov-15 23:56:01

YNBU. That would piss me off. One thing I could never take away from my parents is that me and dsis have never received anymore or any less than each other.

PiperChapstick Wed 18-Nov-15 00:05:52

YANBU at all but this is MN so expect a bit of a flaming and endless posters suggesting things like sending a basket of fruit to your parents for being so lovely and "If that was me OP I'f be so happy for my brother I wouldn't even realise that I didn't get the same" wink

I think it sounds like this is the latest in a long list of favouritism towards your brother. I wouldn't be stroppy with them over it but maybe ask them if they didn't think you needed a contribution as the offer never came your way. It clearly upsets you and I think you need to voice your hurt flowers

whois Wed 18-Nov-15 00:23:48

Maybe they thought you didn't want to take any money from them.

Maybe he's asked for it.

Maybe his earning to housing cost is actually way higher than yours.

Maybe they 'approve' of his life choices and want to support that.

Maybe they just just play the favourites game and are bad parents.

Whatever their reasons, sounds like there is more than the deposit going on here.

Jftbo74 Wed 18-Nov-15 00:29:51

Talk to them. Ask them calmly why they favour him financially.

CakeMountain Wed 18-Nov-15 00:30:10

Understand OP - similar brother here. At least you preserve your self respect, aren't beholden, and can feel proud.

Schubertlemons Wed 18-Nov-15 00:37:41

What were you studying? There is obviously some sibling envy here, which may well be justified with regard to your parent's treatment of your brother. But aren't you also a bit envious of his academic and career success? Do you regret leaving school early? Is there something you can do to improve your career prospects - further training etc?

But congratulations on what you have already achieved!

thefourgp Wed 18-Nov-15 00:50:26

Yanbu for being pissed off but at the end of the day it's their money and life isn't fair. My parent's offered to loan me money earlier this year. They thought it gave them complete control over my finances and life choices although I spent it what we had agreed upon and was paying it back on time each month as agreed. I ended up having to get a loan (my only debt) from the bank to immediately repay them every penny because it caused our first massive fallout. I've since found out they've loaned my sister four times as much before and after our fallout and she's getting none of the grief I got. Apparently I was taking the piss out of them by going on honeymoon but my sister can get into debt using credit cards, loans and store cards without any judgement and they'll quite happily give her five figure sums without realistically ever expecting to be all paid back. It makes my blood boil. They actually had the cheek to offer to loan me money again when my car broke down last month. I told them I'll never take a penny from them again and I stand on my own two feet. I think that being completely responsible for yourself makes you a stronger person but it also makes me sad that we don't have as close a relationship as we used to do.

itsthecircleoflife Wed 18-Nov-15 00:51:59

Honestly would I take that sort of money if they offered it to me? No, I wouldnt- because im an adult and I dont expect handouts. Ive lost my job and they havent offered me a single dime because apparantly "always asking for money". I dont want it, but surely if your child is made unemployed you at least offer to support them. Last time I asked them for anything was when my car broke down last year- and that was £100 for some part and promise id pay it back within 2 months. My brother only calls them when he is after something- for example, he has been through 3 iPhones in the last year and my parents have replaced each and everyone. If I even dared to ask I would be met with "your always asking to borrow money". I call them 3 times a week to make sure they are OK. I dont visit much but neither does he. I havent seen him for over 3 years- and we have had 2 family funerals, a birth in the family and not to mention significant birthdays and Christmases. Its like they give him the money so he will stay in contact with them. Its really quite sad and the penny just wont drop and im starting to give up.

Honestly not jealous of his career at all. Sure he earns lots of money- but id rather stick to my field where Ill be lucky to make 20k, because I enjoy it. No interest in doing a job that sucks the life out of me even if you offered me a million quid a year.

There has never been an occasion when they have offered me money and ive turned it down- because it doesnt happen. The car example must be the only one in years.

iwantbrewstersmillions Wed 18-Nov-15 00:55:04

Have you ever asked them why they help him out so much?

itsthecircleoflife Wed 18-Nov-15 01:05:07

Literally the only thing i can think of is that its the only way they can get him to talk to them. But its be ongoing for years and years- its one of the reasons I got out as soon as I could.

Its just the way the try to control my life and the way they talk about my choices its as if Ive chosen to go on killing spree and im on the run from the government or something. I guess its hard them having expectations and them not being met- but surely my happiness is more important and they treat me like im filth sometimes.

Out2pasture Wed 18-Nov-15 01:05:07

different perspective, maybe your parents are in a different place now and better able to help your brother? maybe now or in the future if you were in a difficult circumstance they would be available to help you as well.

itsthecircleoflife Wed 18-Nov-15 01:07:18

Out- they have never struggled for money. They both have had inceedibly well paid jobs and are worse off now in retirement then anything. They both got lump sums when they retired but it was spent on paying pff their own mortgage, buying new cars and holidays. I guess they might have some left but it isnt the amount they lent to my brother- and even still, if they decided to spend it on their children surely it isnt unreasonable they should of at least made the offer to spend it on both, not just one.

Unreasonablebetty Wed 18-Nov-15 01:43:37

It sounds very unfair, but sometimes parents are shitty.
Really, really shitty.
My husband hasn't had a birthday/ Christmas gift off of his parents for two years, but his dad called him on his last birthday and asked what DH was buying him....
DH recently completed some training, which cost us over £500 for him to do, he was so proud of himself, I organised we would go for dinner, thought it would be nice to invite them. They couldn't even say congratulations because it's further than his dad ever got in his career.

My point is, parents very often don't realise how they should treat their offspring.
By the sounds of it they should be very proud of you.

captainproton Wed 18-Nov-15 06:11:53

Who is telling you or bragging to you about all the money being spent? Your parents or your brother. my mother used to say that she gave money to my sister for trivial stuff to cause tension between us. She never did. I found this out many years later when my sister and I finally spoke to one another, she believed the same thing was happening to me. Then mother used to tell her friends we had both been bought expensive gifts like cats, that we were ungrateful an never visited her. I can assure you it was all for faux sympathy because neither of us were interested in staying in contact.

Are they buying your brother's love? Are they gifting him this stuff so he doesn't slip away? You need to find out what's going on.

Also if they are loaning you money to fix cars then they maybe reluctant to loan or give larger amounts as they may think it won't represent a long term investment like a house deposit will. A house deposit is usually thought of as gaining in value.

Really though you need to work out the truth by talking to both parties and take it from there.

Jftbo74 Wed 18-Nov-15 06:33:55

I would ask them About it in a very polite grown up way.

If they say 'you're always asking for money' - politely ask them to list all the times you have asked for cash because you can only remember asking once in x years. They probably mean that your brother is always asking for money in reality.

If their answers confirmed they had a favourite child, I would probably lower my contact with them to once a week or fortnight. Particularly in the light that they talk so awfully and with so little respect about your hardwork and career choices. It sounds like they are very status driven and don't value your happiness.

Jftbo74 Wed 18-Nov-15 06:36:48

Also I wonder if they've got into the habit of financing your brother and your brother has got into the habit of feeling very entitled. This wouldn't make having a favourite child acceptable.

ThumbWitchesAbroad Wed 18-Nov-15 06:43:09

YANBU to be pissed off because it's such blatant favouritism. Your brother is freeloading through life off them, because he can, and because they let him; you've worked your butt off since you left school and they leave you to struggle.

But otoh, you wouldn't have taken the money if they'd offered it because no doubt it would have come with "conditions" for you - which you wouldn't have wanted.

So while I understand your hurt and pissedoffness at their bad parenting, you wouldn't want the same for yourself, so I suspect you have a bit of a case of sour grapes there and would prefer to see your brother struggle along like you have, because it made you the person you are today (and he's still a freeloader).

CPtart Wed 18-Nov-15 06:52:11

YANBU.
SIL got a £10k house deposit. We got nothing.
SIL had her wedding paid for. We got nothing.
DH re-sat his accounting exams three times (and now earns well) whiles SIL went to New Zealand on a six month jolly. Yet apparently "he always lands on his feet!"
Sympathies.

Enjolrass Wed 18-Nov-15 07:04:44

Yanbu.

It happens in my family. Although I do have a good relationship with my parents.

I moved out into my own house at 19 , they did help me move tbh. They have always been very equal in time they will give us.

A year later (older) dbro decided to get a house, mum sorted his legal fees and even went and looked round houses to narrow down which ones were decent so he didn't have to view to many. She helped with the deposit even though he lived at home and had a good job. He is now married and both him and sil rely heavily on mum.

I wouldn't take the money. Dbro is also like your dbro in that if he wasn't getting anything he would rarely be in touch. Sil asks my mum to have the kids at short notice at least 3 times a week and if mum can't (say she is at work) it causes an argument. Which leaves mum and dad worried about having to say no.

As a result of this I have ended up with a much better relationship with mum and dad. They respect me far more for being independent. Try know when I call it's not only going to be for a favour or to borrow money.

Honestly the money doesn't bother me, because I wouldn't take it unless it was a very very dire situation and I prefer the relationship I have with my parents.

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