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To think I have a little life and blame my dp

(140 Posts)
Notthinkingclearly Tue 17-Nov-15 11:48:55

Not sure why I am writing this but feel so lonely and fed up at the moment. Dp is away alot for work. He occasionally makes out that he would rather he didn't but in reality I know he loves it. He is usually away a week at a time and always stays in nice hotels with saunas, swimming pools and his day has usually finished by 5:30. I can tell by the way he packs all his clothes, swimming shorts etc that he is looking forward to being away from the mad house. This in turb means that my days are so much longer looking after 2 young children and by the end of the week I am so tired. I work 12 hours a week but never seem to have enough hours in the week. I get woken up at least once a night and without help I feel so tired. When decided to start a family he wasn't travelling for his job so this isn't really what I planned our life would be like. Alot of my friends tell me how much their husband do in the evenings and how they go out but it just never happens. My dp's mother is in hospital 150 miles away so every every weekend he goes upto see her which I don't resent but it means that I am on my own alot. How do other people cope? Sorry for the moan. Last night getting a text to say he was in the bar overlooking the sea was just too much, while I was faced with a pile of washing up and loads of other jobs to do!

MitzyLeFrouf Tue 17-Nov-15 11:51:04

Don't apologise. Christ I'd be moaning if I were you!

The set-up sounds very unfair. Have you spoken to him about how overwhelmed and stretched you're feeling?

Jackiebrambles Tue 17-Nov-15 11:52:42

God I don't blame you, I'd be fed up too! Does he have to go away so much for work? Might be a daft question I know but it's not working for your family.

My Dh occasionally has to travel away and with two young kids I also dread it! But they are few/far between occasions so I can cope.

MidnightVelvetthe4th Tue 17-Nov-15 11:53:25

You are not being unreasonable & I understand your resentment! You get to do all the heavy thankless work of raising a family & keeping a house whereas he does not & that imbalance will cause problems sooner or later.

Will his mother be in hospital for a while or is it as short time kind of thing?

He clearly isn't understanding your position with his boasty messages about the bar by the sea! Have you tried talking to him about it?

I think a frank conversation is in order, tell him how you feel!

DrGoogleWillSeeYouNow Tue 17-Nov-15 11:55:57

God that sounds grim. How long has his mum been in hospital for? Does he have to travel so much for work? I know my DH has a couple of sales guys who almost nearly fight over working away. What does he do of a weekend apart from visit his mum?

Hornydilemma Tue 17-Nov-15 11:57:52

Can you rethink division of jobs so that all the stuff that can be done online is his responsibility e.g. insurance, tax, car stuff - he can use the free Wifi in all those hotels. Not a solution to the whole situation I know.

caitlinohara Tue 17-Nov-15 11:58:21

YANBU. What does he contribute, other than finances (presumably)?

Cookingongas Tue 17-Nov-15 12:00:06

Yanbu, it sounds relentless for you.

In the long term can he change is work pattern? It just isn't sustainable as is. Not fair on you or dc.

Sighing Tue 17-Nov-15 12:02:13

You need a serious chat on this. I wont go inyo the specifics but my DH works away a lot too. But when he's here he throws himself into being here and family time.
It sounds as though he's forgetting to enjoy the life his work is allowing him to have. Hotels are great, but they all blend into a bland experience of uneventful comfort. Where's the fun? The excitement? The pride in house/ family?
YANBU

CMOTDibbler Tue 17-Nov-15 12:02:43

I travel a lot for work (just off to the airport in a bit actually), and it really isn't great as I still have all my normal work as well as the meetings I'm there for. Yes, I take my swimming/running things, but its the only way I might see the outside in a week!

But I do home admin/christmas shopping/online food shops when I'm away, and when I'm home, being together is the priority.

Will his mum be in hospital long term? Can he take the dc with him to visit?
Any money spare for a cleaner?

Wannabe2015 Tue 17-Nov-15 12:05:12

YANBU

Shakey15000 Tue 17-Nov-15 12:07:33

That sounds rotten. Do you need to work financially? (not suggesting you don't love it, or that you shouldn't work for your own development/sanity etc)

Do you have family/friends who could give you a break when DH is away?

And yes, cleaner? Has he got siblings that could take it in turn visiting his DM?

Agree, this is a shit town serious talk job.

Shakey15000 Tue 17-Nov-15 12:08:42

Shit town???? sit down I mean blush !

Not casting aspersions on where you live OP wink

kerbs Tue 17-Nov-15 12:12:19

Staying in hotels a lot can be very dull really, but that text is a serious piss take.

Namechangenell Tue 17-Nov-15 12:14:19

So his career flourishes as he gets to live the life of a single man and you're stuck at home doing the grunt work? Bollocks to that!

Either go back to work full time yourself, get him to change jobs to something more suited to family life or, at the very minimum, employ someone during the week to cover the time he isn't around to help with bedtime, bath time etc. The division of labour within your family is dreadfully uneven. I'd be resentful too.

Lostcat2 Tue 17-Nov-15 12:15:33

My dh has generally worked away too but he hates it. Throws himself into family life when home and we have loads if communication while he is away.

He certainly wouldn't spend our money in bars and fancy restaurants and he wouldn't dream if sending a text like that.

Also I see his mum is ill but he shouldn't be leaving you and the kids every weekend that's just wierd.

Time for a reality check and him to realise he is a dh and a dad not a free single bloke.

He sounds incredible selfish and thick skinned and I am not suprised you are fed up.

MrsMolesworth Tue 17-Nov-15 12:19:06

He needs to know you are on the brink of burning out. Next time he's home, he can't go off and see his mother, because he needs to spend time with his DC. Book a weekend away for yourself if you can afford it. (MN cliché alert - have a spa day! but if that's what he keeps doing and you're envious then it's your turn.)

If he is constantly in naice hotels, I presume he is reasonably well paid, so perhaps you could hire some help - a mother's help or cleaner and ironing person, or a night nurse twice a month to allow you sleep through.

Does he understand how much you resent it? Not that he has a lovely time but that you never do. he needs to understand that the inequality and massive difference between your current life experiences is creating a rift between you.

My DH goes away on some fab work trips too, but only occasionally so I can cope with it. Nevertheless it can be a bit annoying when others (yes, looking at you DM!) ask me whether he had a great time in Outer Mongolia or wherever!
We do manage to exchange some pleasant and interesting emails with each other whilst he's away and I make sure to tell him just as much about what we're all doing as he does about his excursion days explorations.
All I can suggest, as well as offering my sympathy, is can you talk it over with him and let him know how hard things are for you when he's away so often flowers

BoomBoomsCousin Tue 17-Nov-15 12:22:14

YANBU

Does he have to travel or could he get a job that didn't take him away from home? Having spent the last 6 years in a somewhat similar situation and suddenly realising that I no longer love my husband because of the imbalance we have lived with, I would urge you to sit down and tell him that it isn't working for you as soon as possible. I've left it too late I think, I'm not sure we can get back what we had. It isn't all his fault though. I have been passively accepting the role I've fallen into without being clear about how much it's hurting me. He's been oblivious in a way he shouldn't have, but I don't think it all falls on him. In retrospect I realise I've been a bit of a martyr about it all. I've done a few things, but it was too little too late and just grabbing a bit more for myself at the edges. I didn't specifically address the way he was getting a good deal out of our marriage at my expense. It's not that my life is objectively bad, but that we have such an imbalance it hurts the way I see and feel about us.

DrGoogleWillSeeYouNow Tue 17-Nov-15 12:22:30

Lets be honest, staying in a hotel with a sauna and a swimming pool and a bar overlooking the sea and a restaurant and a full night's sleep - all on the company dime - is bloody bliss in comparison to the daily grind of life with young children.

And in my DH's business it's always the guys with young families that want to do the overnight/week away trips.

That text shows either a total lack of awareness, in which case he needs to spend some serious time alone with his children to sharpen his mind, or he's just a total piss taker.

He should eager and willing, of a weekend, to take some of the load off and ensure that you're getting at least a small fraction of the down time he's currently getting.

scallopsrgreat Tue 17-Nov-15 12:27:07

Tell him to fuck off. Seriously. Bar overlooking the sea??? Ask him when do you get to sit in a bar overlooking the sea with no washing/ironing/cleaning/kids to look after.

He is taking the fucking piss. Royally. And he needs to tell you what he is going to do about it? What adjustments is he going to make to his life, because he has children and he needs to look after them and bring them up?

squishee Tue 17-Nov-15 12:27:21

I sympathise, my DP works away a lot although no DCs.
Tell HIM all this, if you haven't already.

Treats Tue 17-Nov-15 12:31:27

My DH was working away a lot at the beginning of the year - nowhere near as much as yours but enough to make me feel a bit like you do. But he was really conscious of the burden that put on me and he did everything he could to make it easier. Ultimately, he realised (only a tiny bit of prompting from me) that the job was incompatible with the family life that we both wanted and he jacked it in for something that worked better for us. Not without a pang - it was a really interesting role - but he didn't want the constant grind of travelling and stress and bringing work home and knowing that I was having to do everything when he wasn't there.

So I don't think you're being unreasonable - if his work pattern is placing an intolerable burden on you then something has to change. Work isn't always easy to change in the short term, but he ought to be discussing a medium to long term plan with you to try to be home more. Does he have to visit his mother every weekend? Does he have siblings who can go instead? He should at least try to take the children with him - otherwise when does he get to spend time with them?

This might sound ridiculous, but can you increase your hours at work? It would stop you feeling isolated and contributing more income to the household would give you more power to negotiate at home. I certainly found it easier to manage when I only had to deal with the children for a couple of hours a day. There's less cleaning to do when you're out of the house all day and someone else is feeding your children, and it's not so hard to keep on top of the washing.

And finally - don't enable the trips. Don't do his washing or pack for him. If you've got your hands full at home and he's not fussed about leaving you to it, then he can at least take responsibility for his own stuff. Don't make a big deal of it - just don't do it.

BabyGanoush Tue 17-Nov-15 12:31:37

Yes, tell him

I think he knows really....

That is why he makes out he doesn't really want to go (even if he does), so you have no argument

LaurieMarlow Tue 17-Nov-15 12:32:58

Gosh, this sounds hard OP, you have my sympathies

I'd be having a big discussion about the pressure it's putting you under. And discussing some of the following ideas to help minimise that:

Can DH put some boundaries on how many trips he goes on for his family's sake?
A cleaner so you don't have to shoulder all of the housework
Date nights/special treats for you when he is back
A proper break for you (holiday/spa break) where he's in charge for a weekend/week

I'm sure it's a lovely break for him (I too love a good work trip) but he needs to understand it's taking his toil. He must be clear and honest about what's necessary and what he can turn down. And if its going to continue like this, what's he going to do to change his working pattern so you get a fairer deal?

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