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AIBU to think my in-laws are horrible people (sorry, long rant)

(27 Posts)
89Ellie Tue 17-Nov-15 01:39:32

At the start of the year, I suffered a miscarriage at 12wks...the only people that dh & I told about the pregnancy were my parents, his parents and our siblings. As we hadn't told anyone else about the pregnancy, we decided not to tell extended family about the miscarriage.

The day I was released from hospital (dh had also stayed with me on hospital), he rang our parents and explained what parents were fantastic, very supportive, brought some dinner to our house and then gave us space when needed.

In laws said "thanks for letting us know, when you're ready for visitors, let us know"... I figured that they simply didn't know what to say so were giving us time to come to terms with what had happened. The next day, dh sent them a message saying that they could visit that day at whatever time was convenient to said she was too upset to visit so would be around some time in the week.

She turned up the next day, told my dh that he could talk to her whenever he wanted "as obviously Ellie won't want to listen to you" and then when he started talking , she interrupted and spent 30mins talking about how she was so upset and she hadn't slept and she didn't know how she would cope...followed by an "I'm glad you're both ok- I've got to go now so look after yourselves". A couple of days later I got a text saying she hoped I was back at work or they might sack me and that I needed to get over it!

We heard nothing from them until a week later when she sent fil around to tell dh that mil was really struggling because I had banned her from discussing mc with family members! Dh, who normally just goes along with mil, was furious and told him that it was our choice who to tell about our private business and that she has plenty of people to talk to (ie us, fil, bil & sil) whereas we only had each other and my parents as she was being so unsupportive! Fil agreed with dh (but I'm pretty sure that mil was not told this as fil, bil & sil are all scared of her and will do anything for an easy life!).

Since then, things have been pretty strained and although we are trying to make an effort to get "back to normal", we have only seen them a couple of times in the past 2/3mths (we used to see them at least once a fortnight).

On Monday lunchtime, I text mil, bil & sil asking how they are, if they had anything planned over Xmas/new year and if they wanted to have dinner at ours at some point over the holidays. Mil text back stating she was fine but ignored the rest of the message...bil/sil have not responded to message (despite posting on Facebook/Twitter several times since I messaged them!)

I'm at the point where I just think that I should give up on them but I don't want dh to miss out on his family. Also, dh & I are expecting another baby (haven't told anyone yet as are waiting for scan) and I just know that when we share the news they will want to see us all the time again.

I understand that the mc was difficult for them too, and that they probably didn't know how to act around us, but I kind of think that if they can't support us at our lowest point, why should they get to share our happier times? Do you think am being unreasonable and how would you go about resolving the situation?

guajiraguantanamera Tue 17-Nov-15 01:47:22

No advice but she sounds awful- as if you are not feeling crap as it is!
I would leave your Dh to deal with her and just concentrate on yourself and you previous little bump!
Congratulations on your happy news flowers

guajiraguantanamera Tue 17-Nov-15 01:48:10

I meant precious little bump sorry x

MrsTerryPratchett Tue 17-Nov-15 01:50:14

Awful. I think parents who make their children's pain all about them are shits. It really pisses me off.

flowers and look after yourselves!

Vladimar Tue 17-Nov-15 01:55:36

Thank you for sharing this Ellie. Sorry for your loss and best wishes for your new pregnancy. Very much understand how you feel and I think you are so strong to not be manipulated by this woman. Also it's great your partner has stood by you, please don't question yourself. You both sound awesome tbh and on the strength of this post sumd like you will make wonderful, mindful parents.

ExBallerina Tue 17-Nov-15 02:04:19

Congratulations on your happy news!

You're right. They don't deserve it. Their loss, not yours.

BrideOfWankenstein Tue 17-Nov-15 02:13:18

Sorry for your MC and congratulations on your new pregnancy. flowers

There is a medical term for your MIL's condition, but because I can't remember it, I'll call it selfish cunt.

I fail to see how it should be difficult for her. And even if it is, it's not even close to how you might feel.
TBH, I would let DH to deal with it before telling them about new pregnancy. It needs to be addressed soon, because people like that seem to "forget" how they behaved.

In fact, I would expect an apology for this behaviour.

ohtheholidays Tue 17-Nov-15 02:13:40

YANBU and I'm so sorry about your loss.

Me and my DH and our 5DC lost what was going to be our last child at nearly 4 months and it was almost unbearable.

Your MIL sounds like she's a drama queen that has to have everything be about her from what you've said?

My parents and DH's parents weren't great when we lost our LO but we both think that was because none of them knew what to say or do for any of us.My Mum was very upset and so was my DH's Dad,I told my best friend and she cried alot about the baby bless her and a few other people we knew all knew what had happened and they were all devestated for us and were really surportive.

We didn't really have a choice over others knowing as I was already showing alot so it was a bit different for us.

I think the only thing you can do if she continues on the way she has been(I really hope she doesn't)is ask your DH to speak to her and see if he can make her understand. flowers

TerrorAustralis Tue 17-Nov-15 04:33:59

YANBU. This was the reason we didn't tell ILs about my MC, or discuss any matters of importance with them.

My MIL is quite frankly a bit of an idiot and doesn't know how to have a conversation that isn't about the weather or gossip about other people. Experience has made me realise that she is incapable of providing any support or 'appropriate' response to bad news, so we just choose not to tell them.

I know it is hurtful, and changes the way you feel about her. But I don't think it's reasonable to cut them off over this. You do need to adjust and move on.

FlipperSkipper Tue 17-Nov-15 08:45:16

Yanbu. Both my in laws and my parents were bloody useless when I had my first miscarriage, so we didn't tell them about my second pregnancy. My in laws still don't know I was pregnant and my parents only know as I ended up with an ectopic and thought I was going to need surgery. I wish now that I hadn't told them as it not been supported and have instead had to explain that yes you can get an ectopic with ivf because no they don't glue the embryo in place in the uterus. Really not what I needed.

I wish you all the best for your pregnancy.

FlipperSkipper Tue 17-Nov-15 08:48:28

Meant to say, I'm not sure whether cutting them off is the right thing to do, but you can limit the effort that you make, to protect yourself. This is what I've had to do with my family.

Headmelt Tue 17-Nov-15 08:55:28

YANBU but is it possible your MIL may have suffered a miscarriage herself at some point and is struggling to cope. I agree, it's not all about her but might explain her behaviour
flowers I'm sorry for your and your family's loss op

Chattymummyhere Tue 17-Nov-15 09:16:28

This is exactly why we never told anyone till after the 12w scan. Some people just think the world revolves around them and since your mil scares your fil/sil/Bil I doubt it's anymore than her wanting all the attention about it. Stop making the effort let Dh deal with them. Congrats on the new bump flowers

Aeroflotgirl Tue 17-Nov-15 09:22:45

My goodness, they sound awful, I would distance myself from them and their toxic rubbish. Congratulations on your wonderful news flowers

diddl Tue 17-Nov-15 09:30:12

She does sound rather "me, me, me."

I mean you obviously had enough to be dealing with yourselves, without her putting her problems with dealing with it onto you.

Or making her husband do it!

I would be tempted to distance as well.

DartmoorDoughnut Tue 17-Nov-15 09:34:17

Oh you poor love flowers you're not BU at all, just ignore them and concentrate on your bump - yay! - and DH

middlings Tue 17-Nov-15 09:45:33

Ignore them and have a lovely Christmas with your parents and family. Don't let her wind you up and don't engage.

Your poor DH sad. I always feel sorry for the member of the partnership being let down by their original family in these situations.

While your MIL might have found it upsetting, it didn't happen to her and I know when I had my MCs, my MIL's first thought was about me and DH and she was upset for us as she was worried about us. Not worried about herself.

Good luck with this pregnancy flowers.

Helgathehairy Tue 17-Nov-15 09:54:49

That's why I didn't tell my DM when I had a miscarriage at 6 weeks. I just KNEW she'd make it all about how upset she was.
We did tell PIL and they were OK. MIL had 3 miscarriages herself. DH told them when I wasn't there and he said he had to tell her to stop with all the 'it wasn't meant to be' 'ye can try again' though. She didn't do that with me but she was slightly intrusive asking questions - that might just be me though as I'm quite private.

I'm pregnant again as well (9 weeks)

Only1scoop Tue 17-Nov-15 09:59:22

Sorry to hear of your loss Op.

She sounds like she oozes drama and makes it all about her.

I'd tell no one your lovely news until you are a good way along in your pregnancy. Just enjoy your secret.

jemimapd Tue 17-Nov-15 10:23:13

So sorry to hear that, crushing news. Ignore them, get some distance.

diddl Tue 17-Nov-15 10:29:05

I think it's not so much that they didn't support you, more that she actively made it about her tbh.

As for not replying re hols, that's just rude though.

HesterShaw Tue 17-Nov-15 10:40:37

Every sympathy flowers So sorry for your loss. Must be very painful.

Sounds like she is one of those people who makes someone's pain all about them. I'm periodically out of favour with my mother because I refuse to discuss my infertility and failed IVF with her as she wants me to - apparently I should understand how upsetting it is for her that her daughter won't confide in her. It's not just about me after all hmm

HesterShaw Tue 17-Nov-15 10:42:16

PS good luck with this pregnancy. If it was me, I would want to keep it secret for ages too!

Fieryfighter Tue 17-Nov-15 10:48:10

So sorry for your loss and congratulations on your pregnancy. As others have said, just ignore them for now and concentrate on what's important, your own growing family. She is very much making it all about her and being pretty selfish. Just plan you're own Christmas and have a lovely time and try not to have any expectations of support from them in future, then you won't get let down flowers

89Ellie Tue 17-Nov-15 16:28:03

Hi everyone, thank your for your kind replies...I'm glad that it's not just me that thinks she's a bit of a drama queen. She always has to be centre of attention (even at our wedding, which is a whole other long story!) but I always worry that I may be over-reacting as she has a way of twisting things so that she is the victim.

In response to a couple of queries, she has not suffered a mc but she did have some fertility issues prior to her '1st pregnancy...also, her sil did have a stillbirth around 30yrs ago and a couple of her friends have had mc over the years...apparently she was a "rock" to them people so she can be a decent person when she wants to (but, IME, there is normally a motive behind it so she can retain her "image")

I think I'm going to do as people have suggested and leave it up to Dh to resolve things (and I definitely won't expect anything of them in the future, there's no point in getting my hopes up only to be stressed out when they fail to live up to expectations).

I have actually heard back from bil today and it seems that he is having some problems of his own (contributed to by mil, unsurprisingly) so I do feel slightly guilty at lumping all the in-laws into the same "horrible people" category so I am by no means going to cut of all ties with them...I just hope that mil see's the effect she is having on her children soon!

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