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to think this is pretty fucking immature and insulting?

(45 Posts)
VelvetSpoon Mon 16-Nov-15 20:16:02

Am prepared to be told I'm wrong but don't think I am (who does in AIBU though? wink ).

My bf lives some distance from his parents and siblings, so doesn't see them regularly (about x3-4 a year on average). So when we visit his mum likes to get all the family together.

However in every occasion I've been, barring my first visit (when she was obviously under instruction to check me out and report back to my bf's Ex, who she is all pally pally with hmm), so 3 times now, she comes up with an utter bullshit last minute excuse why she can't make whatever his mum has arranged, be it dinner at theirs, a meal out, picnic etc. Every time.

I get that stuff comes up at last minute. But SIL is quite happily round at my bfs parents, or having them to hers at least once a fortnight, and letting them help her out etc - yet deliberately avoids any occasion when we're there and insults us all by giving a fake reason.

I just think she'd be better to be honest and say she doesn't like me, or whatever her actual problem is. Or, if she's going to lie at least come up with something a bit plausible!

Because how things are now is just an insult to our intelligence and really quite immature. I can see how disappointed his mum is every time she doesn't manage to get us all together and feel sad for her, because surely it wouldn't hurt SIL to just suck it up?

Helmetbymidnight Mon 16-Nov-15 20:18:04

Rise above it- she's got ishoos.

VelvetSpoon Mon 16-Nov-15 20:18:31

Oops sorry, left out the bit without which it doesn't make sense! blush...it's BFs SIL (and his DB) who never turn up to anything and makes crappy excuses.

Helmetbymidnight Mon 16-Nov-15 20:19:42

I did think something was missing!

What does bf say? I bet she's always been a contrary cow, no?

letsgetcake Mon 16-Nov-15 20:22:39

Have either of you ever brought it up with them? Are you really that fussed if they are going to treat you like that anyway?

Seeyounearertime Mon 16-Nov-15 20:24:45

I'd say they're being childish but I'd also say its up to your BF to say something or doing something etc. If he's not bothered then neither should you be. Gonamd enjoy family time and don't expect them.

VelvetSpoon Mon 16-Nov-15 20:25:22

My bf is pretty disgusted with her. He's been upset already by her continuing to be pally with his Ex (especially since when they were married his Ex didn't give her the time of day and regularly slagged SIL off. Yet now they're mates...) and this is just one more annoyance. She's never been flaky and pathetic like this in the past, apparently

Fidelia Mon 16-Nov-15 20:28:57

OK, I'll be the first to ask the obvious question....Did you break up their marriage OP? Because if you did, that might explain why she doesn't want to be around you?

VelvetSpoon Mon 16-Nov-15 20:28:58

I'd happily say something but as I've only ever met them once because every other time they've not turned up, I haven't had the opportunity.

I think if BF did speak to them about it he'd lose his temper, and it would end up with her complaining to BFs mum, who'd then get upset over it. So he's not saying anything but he is seething over it.

VelvetSpoon Mon 16-Nov-15 20:31:33

I did think of adding it to my OP, as I knew someone would ask! But no I'm not the OW. I didn't meet bf until nearly a year after their marriage ended (his Exs decision, she was unhappy, no one else involved on either side).

Fidelia Mon 16-Nov-15 20:34:30

Then, yes it's very odd!

GruntledOne Mon 16-Nov-15 20:42:33

Can you BF give SIL chapter and verse about the way his ex used to slag her off?

eddielizzard Mon 16-Nov-15 20:56:12

ok well think of it like this. it's annoying, all this flakiness and excuse business, but it may actually be better than saying 'we hate your guts' because this way you can all pretend they're just really busy.

once someone actually tells you they don't like you it's kinda hard to move beyond it so the little cosy family get-togethers are blown out the water anyway.

i think the best plan is to not notice that they're not available and have a Really Good Time. eventually they may clock that they're missing out on something and force themselves to be pleasant and join in.

florencebabyjo Mon 16-Nov-15 20:57:16

Sounds like you've judged her already, even though it's only been three times. You're sounding pretty full of your views of her and not sounding at all positive or open. I wouldn't want to come and spend time with you either. Maybe give her a break and be a bit more positive as you are coming in from the outside.

theycallmemellojello Mon 16-Nov-15 21:00:12

How come the anger is directed at SIL when it is her and DB who don't turn up? Surely if either of them has a 'moral obligation' to show up it's DB. SIL is essentially a plus one.

Hepzibar Mon 16-Nov-15 21:05:03

Why do you care? Why does she have to suck it up?

Why can't you just get on with it and let them do whatever they want.

Why do people think they are in charge of other people?

theycallmemellojello Mon 16-Nov-15 21:08:56

Also even if sil doesn't like you, I'm struggling to see what's wrong with this. We're all entitled to our opinions, and there's no reason she should spend time with a distant relative she's met once if she doesn't want to. It's sad if your DH's DB doesn't want a relationship with him, but that's between them.

WorraLiberty Mon 16-Nov-15 21:09:20

I'm not sure what anyone would do differently in this situation.

She obviously has a problem with you or your BF, so she's politely making excuses not to have to go to dinners/picnics etc with you.

Surely that's better than kicking off and upsetting everyone else?

OnTheEdgeToday Mon 16-Nov-15 21:11:44

It seems the big issue here is that sil is friends with your bf ex.
The real person you should have an issue with in all of this should be your boyfriends brother considering it is his family. Its not like sil is going to turn up to a family get together without her partner. She may feel out of place considering she doesnt know yous all that well. Maybe there is some beef between the brothers.
Tbh, i really dont understand why you have such an issue. Your bf, fair enough.

coffeetasteslikeshit Mon 16-Nov-15 21:25:21

I don't get why it's an issue with sil and not db?

Brioche201 Mon 16-Nov-15 21:41:05

I don't think it's odd.She is a big friend of his ex and so feels a bit disloyal being there.

RunRabbitRunRabbit Mon 16-Nov-15 21:47:09

There have been 4 events where you would have spent time with your boyfriend's DB and wife. You have been with your bf for about a year I guess according to your post?

Your boyfriend's DB made daft excuses so that he and his wife didn't have to come to 3 of these events and you believe this is because they don't like you to such a strong level that they'd rather miss out on a picnic than spend time with you, is that right?

Your posts are dripping with hatred for SIL, with no mention of DB. Is this because she is friends with your boyfriend's exW? What are you so afraid of finding out?

ChilliAndBint Mon 16-Nov-15 22:20:25

I would rise above it and see how the land lies in say 6 months time.

The SIL being pally with the XW might colour their perception of you.

There might be a bigger picture you have yet to discover for yourself.

Keep an open mind and see what unfolds.

As the saying goes: " Keep your friends close and your enemies closer".

We have a similar situation going on with our family.. it's obvious who has no morals but I think OW has been told a different story.

SantasLittleMonkeyButler Mon 16-Nov-15 22:22:59

If she is still friends with DP's ex, I imagine she might feel awkward socialising with you.

Maybe she doesn't want to be piggy in the middle, expected to report back on your every move, so finds it easier to stay away.

Or maybe she just doesn't like DP very much - there are two sides to every break up story and, if ex is her friend, she will have heard her side of the reasons behind the split. Maybe if you were to hear both sides you wouldn't think DP to be entirely blameless?

I don't know, I'm just suggesting possibilities. Whatever the truth, I wouldn't let it worry you. You barely know her & she is not an essential part of your life.

SantasLittleMonkeyButler Mon 16-Nov-15 22:25:06

Because it's the SIL that doesn't turn up to things coffee.

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