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AIBU to want to know about a party being planned in my own home?

(16 Posts)
lurkingagainafterafewyears Mon 16-Nov-15 13:10:16

I'm on here as I don't want to ask any friends as they'll probably agree with me and I'd rather an impartial opinion please.

Sorry it's rather long!

I have a nice relationship with my SIL (husbands sister) - it's nothing too over the top but we get on well. I am a little bit wary sometimes as she does have opinions on everyone in her life and I'm not naïve enough to think I'm not the subject when she's with other friends/family. She's a strong character - but on the whole this doesn't really impact on me too often.

Our whole family is home to men who are pretty crap at organising things so my SIL's (husbands sister and my brother's wife) and I are the organisers of get-togethers in our own homes/out for meals etc

A few days before Christmas, my MIL will be celebrating a big birthday. My SIL usually does all the get-togethers on her side so my husband asked if we fancied hosting it and I agreed wholeheartedly and we got the calendar out for a suitable date.

We agreed on a date and he said he'd let her know and find out if it suited her too. I wasn't in when they had the phone call but he told me the next day it worked for her and that we could do simple foods and start discussing a guest list. I'm happy with this.

Fast forward to that afternoon and I got a phone call from my mum asking me about the party we're having.

I explained we'd set a date but I'd not had a chance to tell her to book it on her calendar yet as we'd not made any firm plans.

I find out SIL has sent out a text invite to who I don't know! with a time, information on catering and that it'll be at 'her brothers' house. No mention of me or any contact prior to discuss with me.

I'm usually quite calm ... but I hit the roof. Husband usually argues if he disagrees with me but he just looked a bit ashamed and agreed with me.

SIL knows he's crap at arranging things, she knows I do all the hard-work in the run up to parties, she knows I'm house proud and will scrub the place for guests even with two small children running around my feet yet she hasn't once mentioned anything to me and has just sent an invite out to people I don't know and decided on a time/theme/and she knows we also have a kids party on the same day so were waiting for confirmation on time for that.

I'd usually just go mad ... calm down ... and just get on with it, but this time I didn't.

To be fair, I don't know how blasé husband was as I wasn't there - but he assured me all that had been decided was a date and a mention of what foods to do. I'm inclined to believe him.

So ... I asked her to send me the invite she'd sent out a list of people she'd invited so I could sort out everything our side. I said all I knew was that we'd decided on a date and admittedly was a tiny bit curt but polite enough and mentioning how crap men are at organising.

She apologised if she's 'misunderstood' the plans, so I just said it's fine I just want to know who has been invited and the timings. (I asked this a number of times)

She's not sent me the invite and has told me roughly 20 people. But still not WHO is invited to my house. And if this includes us family ... as this will bump it up to around 40 people.

She then went on to say 'if it's causing problems - I'll cancel and do it at my house'

No ... if I'd been consulted there would be no problem whatsoever!

I want to do a party for my MIL, it's a big day for her and it's our way of saying thank you ... but AIBU to be damn p*ssed off that SIL has decided to invite people without even discussing anything with me?

I feel like my home is a 'venue' and I have no say whatsoever. She knows I'm annoyed as I said so - that I'd like to know what's going on in my own home. But that we are more than happy to (and want to!) host it - I simply want to know who has been invited!

I've not heard back ...

Now I feel really uncomfortable as I'd usually just go with the flow and wonder if I should have just kept quiet and got on with it. Am I out of order for losing my rag ... and should I feel bad if she did genuinely misunderstand?

But surely - we should do the inviting/time deciding/etc in our own home?

So ... AIBU? Do I need to say anything else?

My last message was to say that I'll invite her parents for a meal as a ruse to the surprise ... still no reply ...

AliceInUnderpants Mon 16-Nov-15 13:15:24

Why are you pissed off with your SIL and not your husband??

DoreenLethal Mon 16-Nov-15 13:17:17

If it is your party then you invite. How fucking rude of her!

lurkingagainafterafewyears Mon 16-Nov-15 13:18:05

Because a date had been decided - that's all.

Surely it was for us all to discuss and for me to be consulted on timings/guests etc

I wouldn't dream of having a brief chat with my brother (who is equally crap at arranging things) and then without mentioning it to my sister in law invite a load of people to her house and decide what time they should arrive

Surely that's not respectful or polite?

PoppyFleur Mon 16-Nov-15 13:26:12

YANBU but things like this are best discussed face to face. Can you arrange a meeting with her to go through the details of the day and between you allocate actions?

Its too easy for misunderstandings to build up when discussing things over text/emails/calls.

TheSpottedZebra Mon 16-Nov-15 13:26:21

Well the crux is what was actually discussed between your husband and his sister, surely? And you don't know.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams Mon 16-Nov-15 13:29:22

She then went on to say 'if it's causing problems - I'll cancel and do it at my house'

In my view she is angling for just this. In your shoes with a kids party on the same day I would simply accept this offer graciously and let her get on with it. and invite MIL for dinner at yours on the same night
a) it's her mum
b) you already have a party to organise
c) she has been incredibly rude

lurkingagainafterafewyears Mon 16-Nov-15 13:29:43

Agree about misunderstandings and yes we will all discuss from now on

I feel bad for voicing my annoyance ... it's just something I wouldn't have done myself

Top and bottom of it is it's about my MIL and her enjoying it - I'd still like to know who's coming to my house though

lurkingagainafterafewyears Mon 16-Nov-15 13:38:05

I know now I've said something I'll just get on with it ... I just feel bad for rocking the applecart ... but would have liked to have been consulted prior to invites going out and felt it was rude

Maybe I should have kept quiet but it just pushed the wrong button

Witchend Mon 16-Nov-15 13:42:50

Totally agree with Tread.
We had similar in that BIL decided Christmas was at our house one year. he told us after he'd arranged with everyone else first. hmm

lurkingagainafterafewyears Mon 16-Nov-15 13:45:26

How nice of him Witchend - did he clean your house the day before AND after? I'm guessing I know the answer ...

And how was his turkey? ;o)

WhereYouLeftIt Mon 16-Nov-15 14:13:32

"I just feel bad for rocking the applecart"
Don't feel bad, that applecart totally needed a kicking ... grin

Why would she just not tell you who she has invited confused? I have to agree with the suggestion that she want to host the party. You've said that she^"usually does all the get-togethers on her side"^ and that "She then went on to say 'if it's causing problems - I'll cancel and do it at my house'." The problem is how she's going about it. Why not just quietly say to you 'I'd really prefer to do this if that's OK'? I'm guessing the answer to that one is in your very diplomatic description of her as "a strong character".

You've got another party to deal with, I think I'd just tell her to get on with it. Whilst making it perfectly clear that you know what she's doing and you don't appreciate it and she's never to pull this stunt on you again.

heavens2betsy Mon 16-Nov-15 14:19:27

My SIL is forever pulling stunts like this. Our house is bigger than hers and her DH is the most unsociable twat man ever so she always wants to have family dos at our house, which is fine but she always manages to take over and be the hostess in my house which really grates.
She always manages to get my back up somehow and I have nearly bitten a hole through my tongue before now!

RubbishRobotFromTheDawnOfTime Mon 16-Nov-15 14:41:24

So your DH and SIL agreed the MIL's birthday would be at your house and set the date.

SIL started inviting people. I don't see where the outrage is justified here.

It looks like SIL sees it as she and her brother are having a party for their mother which happens to be taking place in her brother's house. This makes sense to me given that your DH called her to discuss a date and catering.

You see it as you told her you were hosting a party for MIL and she's taken over? I think it's a misunderstanding. She even offered to just do it at hers when you looked like you were unhappy with things.

DoreenLethal Mon 16-Nov-15 18:10:50

SIL started inviting people. I don't see where the outrage is justified here

Because the OP hasn't even agreed a time for the party yet. And it is her house, not her SIL's so invites should come from her.

StampyMum Mon 16-Nov-15 18:42:11

That's the kind of thing my sister would have done. It used to irritate me a lot, but not outrage, no. And I wish she was still here to annoy me.

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