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Lending friends money

(70 Posts)
Notimefortossers Mon 16-Nov-15 11:04:36

Putting myself out there. Got flamed last time I posted here! grin

I do want a bit of advice on how to handle it as well as to be told whether IBU, but wasn't sure where best to post.

Recently a friend of mine got herself into a bit of a pickle with her bills. She asked me if I thought she'd be mad to take out a £200 loan (on which she'd pay back more than double what she borrowed) in order to catch up on stuff she was behind with. I have some money sitting in an ISA that I've saved, but I'm not likely to need it for at least a year so I said please don't take out that loan, I can lend you it. She did protest a bit, but once I assured her it wasn't a problem for me, that I wasn't going to need the money before she'd paid it back, she accepted. Then later that day before I went to transfer the money she asked how I'd feel about £300 with a suggested payment plan meaning I'd get it all back only a couple of weeks later than we'd originally agreed . . . I said no problem.

That was 4 weeks ago. She's made one payment. Now she's asked me if she can borrow another £150 because 'she's seen some stuff on ebay' (I know it is probably for Christmas for her son so I can sympathise) and offered to up her payments. AIBU to not really want to lend her any more? There are two reasons, firstly I'm worried that an increased payment will really be a struggle for her, but that was the first thing I said to her and she says she's worked it all out and it will be ok. Secondly, it's the reason she wants it. Like I was happy to lend her money she desperately needed to get herself out of a hole, but less happy about lending her it so she can shop for stuff. I've been skint before (for a long time) so I get it, but in that position I'd just not buy stuff. But she's a grown up! So I also kind of feel like it's not really for me to say how she handles her finances!

So here comes the advice part. I feel awkward now. This is a really good friend of a long time who I see regularly, she also does stuff for me like has my kids, I also have her son for her, but recently I guess the balance has shifted so I'm probably asking her more than she asks me! Plus I have 3 and she only has 1! I don't want this money to become a 'thing' between us. When she asked me it was just all a bit awkward and I said 'Are you sure you can manage that?' and she said yes and then I said we'd wait n see what happened with a financial issue she was having that she's now messaged to say is all sorted. I'm hoping she will have sensed how awkward I felt and just won't ask me again . . . but I'm seeing her today and NO idea how to handle it if she asks me again!

Sorry for the essay!

FuckingLiability Mon 16-Nov-15 11:13:05

'I'm really sorry, I haven't got the money to lend. Had a big bill and all my spare cash is gone.'

Job done. smile

MythicalKings Mon 16-Nov-15 11:14:24

"Sorry, no cash to spare at the moment, I was hoping you'd pay me back what you owe."

PittacusLore Mon 16-Nov-15 11:17:43

Never lend money to friends. Give if you can, but assume you wont get it back, if you do its a bonus. If you can't afford to make it a gift, say no.

This money wasn't in exchange for childcare, so don't confuse the issue. Just say, as Liability suggests that you don't have it to lend.

gamerchick Mon 16-Nov-15 11:17:45

Yelp tell her you're skint and was rather hoping she would pay you back quickly. It's likely she'll avoid you from now on and you'll lose the money but at least you won't have to lend more.

SuperFlyHigh Mon 16-Nov-15 11:19:12

No don't lend anymore money!

There's another thread here about me lending a friend money, now the friend isn't a friend (not just to do with this issue).

First time you were lucky to lend, second time, the eBay so bloody what she can get a second job cleaning or something to raise funds not ponce off you.

SuperFlyHigh Mon 16-Nov-15 11:21:12

If you want to get into paying her for childcare then sort that out (sounds like you don't want to do that) but if you do want to pay her for it do it that way.

Do not get the issues confused.

Fluffy40 Mon 16-Nov-15 11:23:22

I think you've done your bit for a good friend. no more until first loan is repaid.

Notimefortossers Mon 16-Nov-15 11:25:14

I can't really tell her I haven't got it because I already told her I had money just sitting there that I had saved for a specific purpose and wouldn't need until that came about which she knows it hasn't yet (trying not to out myself! Petrified she'll be on here and I don't know! ;) )
Also, surely if I didn't have it I would have just said that when she asked me (only a few days ago), but I didn't I asked if she was sure she could manage and said we'd wait n see what happened with her situation

DrGoogleWillSeeYouNow Mon 16-Nov-15 11:26:17

"Yeah tell me about it, Christmas is coming, three kids to buy for, blah, blah, I'm skint too so I can't loan you any more".

TempusEedjit Mon 16-Nov-15 11:28:44

Don't you gave a boiler/car/washing machine that's just gone wrong?

FloweryPowery Mon 16-Nov-15 11:29:18

"Sorry mate, actually I'm a bit strapped myself" and mention the money she owes you.

You're right, it is up to her how she spends HER money, but that doesn't oblige you to throw YOUR good money after bad in any way.

RunRabbitRunRabbit Mon 16-Nov-15 11:29:55

What did you say to her when she asked for another £150 to go shopping?

What have you said about the missed payments?

How was the conversation left? Did you say you would get back to her?

Notimefortossers Mon 16-Nov-15 11:29:55

I offered to start paying her for childcare at the beginning of last month as that's when I went back to work and so she now has my son 6 hours one day a week. As it was a regular set up I offered to pay. She refused it saying it really wasn't necessary, she loved having him and I also have her son once a week, but for less hours. Then we'll do the odd overnights for each other when we need. I think if we get into paying each other child care it will get very complicated

Sallyingforth Mon 16-Nov-15 11:30:54

Money in an ISA earns interest tax-free. Once you take it out you've lost that benefit.

When you lend someone money, you are not giving them just money you are also giving them a debt. Do you want to put her into debt?

YellowTulips Mon 16-Nov-15 11:32:38

FFS you are not a bank.

She's taking the piss.

Asking for another loan whilst she has already defaulted on the first....

I think you will have learned a tough lesson - only lend what you are happy to lose.

If she asks again say "I've thought about it and I'm not comfortable in lending you any more money. I value our friendship and don't want this to be an issue, so I don't want to risk that by increasing what you owe me, especially as you have already defaulted on the payments you should have made."

ThumbWitchesAbroad Mon 16-Nov-15 11:36:56

I wouldn't lend it to her unless you're prepared to never see it again, and to lose her as a friend into the bargain. Funny how offended people who owe other people money can become!

I agree that you'll probably have to invent another emergency payment that has taken most of your spare savings already, and you can't afford to lose the rest. Being honest, while laudable, rarely has a good outcome in these circumstances, IME. sad

Jhm9rhs Mon 16-Nov-15 11:37:05

God no YANBU! I'd just say that with Christmas coming up you can't afford it.

EvansOvalPiesYumYum Mon 16-Nov-15 11:37:45

No, as others have said, don't lend any more to your friend. That is cheeky of her to ask for more. You may very well not see your original amount again. Just say 'No, sorry I haven't got any more, and I've had an unexpected bill, so was hoping you'd start paying me back now'!

About seven yrs ago we loaned £3,000 to a friend who was in trouble with HMRC. He paid back £2,000 of it, but has since been on several family holidays abroad, always has the latest gadgets, swanky televisions new clothes and car upgrades. Even though DP has asked him for the money on several occasions, we've never seen the final £1,000. Awkward thing is, his wife didn't even know about it, so we can't say anything to her. We also loaned several hundred pounds to SiL a number of years ago too, and she now doesn't speak to me at all because I dared to ask her for it back.

I'd never do it again!

AttilaTheMeerkat Mon 16-Nov-15 11:40:26

This woman is no friend of yours let alone a good friend; she sees you as both a soft touch and a mug. Tell her that the bankofNoTimeforTossers has now closed and permanently so as well.

Never a lender or borrower be.

SuperFlyHigh Mon 16-Nov-15 11:41:14

It is not your business what money you have sitting anywhere and what you do with it...

I would actually tell her no I can't lend you money but I WILL pay you for childcare if you like so you can earn extra money.

Otherwise you're just chucking her a chunk of money and she doesn't have to do anything for it and can put you off when it comes to repayments as she knows you're nice - a bit like my friend who borrowed off me, as she thought I was a soft touch.

celtictoast Mon 16-Nov-15 11:41:17

Don't lend her any more. If she's starting to get into unmanageable debt, she needs to get advice now rather than waiting until it gets worse. She could talk with her bank, or Citizens Advice, or a debt charity for advice and information.

SuperFlyHigh Mon 16-Nov-15 11:42:36

Attila is spot on your friend sees you as a soft touch and a mug I think much like most borrowers see lenders!

specialsubject Mon 16-Nov-15 11:51:18

she's prioritising sparkly tat over bills. Children don't need xmas presents. They need food, warmth, shelter, education, love. Only one of those is free.

BTW you can now refill your ISA.

she's had her chance and has shown you what her priorities are. Never lend to her again.

Felyne Mon 16-Nov-15 11:52:00

Invent another friend or family member who also needed a loan from you? I wish you luck.

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