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AIBU to allow my DD17s boyfriend stay the night in her room

(301 Posts)
budgiegirl Sun 15-Nov-15 22:14:30

My DD is 17 and has a boyfriend aged 18 who she's been seeing for nearly a year.

She has asked if her boyfriend can stay the night, but my DH said no. I'd be ok with it, as I know they are taking precautions, and she's a sensible girl.

I do understand why my DH is unhappy about it, but I reckon he's just trying to pretend they don't have sex, even though he knows they do.

Is he BU or am I?

HelenF35 Sun 15-Nov-15 22:15:56

He is bvu. She's 17 for goodness sake!

iwantgin Sun 15-Nov-15 22:16:19

I would say no. I wouldn't like it.

But many on here would say yes, better under their roof than in a car park or wherever.

Sparkletastic Sun 15-Nov-15 22:18:08

I'd be ok with it as long as they weren't too noisy. DH would struggle with idea but I'd over-rule him

KeepOnMoving1 Sun 15-Nov-15 22:18:05

I too would say no.

Nanny0gg Sun 15-Nov-15 22:19:00

I don't think it's fair to over-rule.

It's not fair for one of you to be uncomfortable in your own home.

Sparklingbrook Sun 15-Nov-15 22:20:46

I would be ok with it, I think DH would too TBH.

ShebaShimmyShake Sun 15-Nov-15 22:21:09

They've been together for a year and they're both over the age of consent. Husband needs to get over himself. My father refused to allow my boyfriend to stay over when we were 19 because he 'wasn't running a brothel'. Nothing to do with my safety, he just didn't like to confront the fact that his 19 year old daughter was a sexual being.

So we ended up just having sex in the car in public (or out of the car in public). Nice one, Dad.

laffymeal Sun 15-Nov-15 22:21:29

I'd say yes if I liked the boyfriend and no if I didn't.

Writerwannabe83 Sun 15-Nov-15 22:21:46

I was never allowed boyfriends to sleep over.

At the age of 19 me and my boyfriend weren't even allowed to chill out in my bedroom together, we had to stay in the living room.

My mom had no problems with me staying at my boyfriends houses (from when I was about 17/18 years old) but they were never allowed to stop over at mine.

Tapirs Sun 15-Nov-15 22:21:47

We were both fine with it. Can your DH explain why he's unhappy with it? Can you talk it through?

AnyFucker Sun 15-Nov-15 22:23:49

I am with your husband.

I don't reckon I have to explain why either.

janethegirl2 Sun 15-Nov-15 22:24:14

If you want your daughter to move out you're doing the right thing i.e. banning boyfriend.
I personally would let him stay as long as your daughter wanted. Forbidden fruit is always sweeter!

AnyFucker Sun 15-Nov-15 22:25:07

We have never allowed boyfriends to stay over in same bed and my daughter just won't go is still living at home

ShebaShimmyShake Sun 15-Nov-15 22:26:33

Your mother could hardly dictate what other people allow in their homes!

It's the kind of rule that has nothing to do with the kid's wellbeing. These aren't random strangers for one night stands, they are committed long term relationships with people known to the family. The partners are over 16 and capable of consent in law. The only reason for a parent to forbid it is so that they don't have to deal with the fact that their teenager is an adult. I could understand laying down some rules such as not being noisy, not making a mess, etc etc, but those are the same rules you'd apply in any shared house out of simple courtesy. Rules that exist solely so that parents can pretend their 17 year olds are in fact still 12 are self serving and repressive.

And as in my case, not in the kids' best interest. I would have been much safer having sex in my bedroom at home than out on the heath.

Sparkletastic Sun 15-Nov-15 22:27:55

Not being comfortable with your child over the age of consent having sex in a loving committed relationship is all about your own hang ups and nothing about good parenting.

ShebaShimmyShake Sun 15-Nov-15 22:28:09

Well, I tell a lie actually. We did have sex in my bedroom as well when my parents weren't home. But mostly we had sex in public places.

ShebaShimmyShake Sun 15-Nov-15 22:29:06

Agree with Sparkletastic.

budgiegirl Sun 15-Nov-15 22:29:51

writer - My parents were exactly the same with me, I was never allowed to have boyfriends stay over when I was 18/19, it just meant I spent most of my time at my boyfriends parents house instead. I did resent my parents a bit for it, as I felt they were treating me like a child.

I wouldn't overrule my DH if it makes him uncomfortable. But I might try to pursuade him to change his mind!

Tapirs Sun 15-Nov-15 22:29:54

Yes Sheba I can't count the number of times we were up those stairs like a rat up a drainpipe the second they were out the door . Happy days grin

janethegirl2 Sun 15-Nov-15 22:34:32

Am I the only mum that was perfectly happy having my dd aged 16 with a boyfriend in a stable relationship staying over?

ShebaShimmyShake Sun 15-Nov-15 22:35:25

Haha Tapirs!

Whereas my friends who were allowed to have their boyfriends stay over had sex discreetly in their bedrooms and always in the knowledge that if the guy ever did try to force something on them, or made them uncomfortable, they were at home with people right outside and he could be made to leave at any time without leaving them stranded anywhere.

Their parents simply had rules that the partner should be a long term boyfriend rather than a random hookup, and they have a chance to meet him first. Reasonable and sensible.

kerbs Sun 15-Nov-15 22:35:27

I had no problem with it, don't really get the "not under my roof" thing.

MammaTJ Sun 15-Nov-15 22:36:47

I did allow DStepD when she was 17 and had been seeing the guy for a year. This was with the proviso that if they broke up there would be nobody else allowed until another year had passed as I also had an 8 year old DD, who I did not want to witness a string of men through the door.

It was quite funny, as the walls are paper thin. StepD claimed she could hear us, her Dad claimed he could hear them, neither of them liked the thought of their DD/Dad having sex. Apparently StepD thought it was ok for me to, but not her Dad. Not quite sure who I was meant to have sex with in that case. grin

timelytess Sun 15-Nov-15 22:41:04

A father will feel that he is, indirectly, providing sex for some lad.

His instinct won't tell him 'My nearly adult daughter is doing something perfectly normal with a boy she knows well', it will say 'One of my females is being used by a stranger-male, in my territory!''

His own status is devalued in that situation. He is less of a man because he allows other men to sleep with his daughter in his own house.

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