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AIBU or is he? bedtime etiquette

(46 Posts)
Arrowfanatic Sun 15-Nov-15 20:53:57

DH wanted to have sex & said so, I said I wasn't in the mood as I was really tired from minimal sleep. I said I just wanted to go to bed early, read a few pages of my book & go to sleep (I suffer with insomnia, reading in bed helps me drift off). I didn't think DH would mind, prior to this convo he had been saying how he would stay up late as he doesn't need to be up early as he's on late shift. I have to be up with the kids at 6:30am.

Anyway, saying no to sex put him in a huff. Whilst I fed our cats he disappeared upstairs. I followed behind switched my little lamp on & whilst I checked on our children he climbed into bed & switched it off again.

So I came back, pointed out I hadn't even started getting ready for bed yet as I was checking the kids, something he never does, and switched it back on whilst I located pj's. I then turned it off, and got my small light on my ereader on so I could still read.

He's thrown a wobbly about the light. I pointed out that he knew I had said I wanted to read in bed to help me sleep (reading downstairs doesn't work as the act of coming back upstairs sort of wakes me again when I get to the drowsy reading stage, fellow insomniacs will get what I mean) and I did mention how he said he wanted to be up late. He's now stormed off back downstairs.

I feel like he's done this in a sulk as I refused sex, had we done it he would have no issue with my reading light. He knew I wanted to read, but AIBU having my ereader light on?

CocktailQueen Sun 15-Nov-15 21:04:10

Yanbu. He's sulking because you won't have sex with him. Ffs.

NotMeNotYouNotAnyone Sun 15-Nov-15 21:06:03

Yanbu, he's being a brat

AshleyWilkes Sun 15-Nov-15 21:09:05

Diddums. My husband "sulks" sometimes when I refuse sex for whatever reason. I normally just ignore it and he gets over it pretty quickly.

KurriKurri Sun 15-Nov-15 21:09:31

Using emotional bullying to try to coerce someone into having sex with you makes someone a shit IMO. (And was one of the things the police asked me about when going through the form to assess my risk from my abusive XH)

Sedona123 Sun 15-Nov-15 21:10:23

Yanbu. He is being a twat.

Titsalinabumsquash Sun 15-Nov-15 21:13:31

He's having a strop and he's presumably a grown man? How pathetic, my ex used to do similar if I said no to sex, because a man throwing a tantrum is deffo going to make me change my mind and want to ravish him! hmm YANBU

BeverlyGoldberg Sun 15-Nov-15 21:14:10

Yanbu at all. He needs to grow up. tonight but I would be calling him out on it in the morning.

stargirl1701 Sun 15-Nov-15 21:14:55

He thinks he is entitled to sex. He behaves like a child when he doesn't get his own way.

WizardOfToss Sun 15-Nov-15 21:18:54

The fact that you even have to ask who is U here is worrying.

He sounds like a petulant child - ugh.

Krampus Sun 15-Nov-15 21:22:45


What would happen if you asked him outright? Are you sulking because I didn't fancy sex tonight?

MagicalMrsMistoffelees Sun 15-Nov-15 21:24:59

Can't he make do with a wank?

By the way my husband checks on our three boys every night, gives them a kiss, tucks them back in. Maybe your husband could spend five minutes doing that instead of behaving like a spoilt brat?

Also why can't he be up helping you with the children at 6.30am just because he's on a late shift? It's not like he's working nights.

cdtaylornats Sun 15-Nov-15 21:29:01

Say it has to be your way, handcuff him to the headboard, gag him, blindfold him. Say "Are you ready for this, can I do anything I want?"
When he nods yes, settle down for a good long read.

Arrowfanatic Sun 15-Nov-15 21:33:16

His late shifts don't finish till the wee small hours of the morning (and they're long shifts with a long commute) so he will try to sleep in. Tbf to him he does get up with the kids plenty, and I don't mind him sleeping in as his job is very demanding but just understand that as I sleep badly and have to be up early I should be able to sleep when/how I want.

I did outright tell him to stop sulking and he swears blind he isn't, but he is. Always does, I've told him that bugging for sex every 5 minutes and then sulking when I say no just puts me off it even more.

Arrowfanatic Sun 15-Nov-15 21:37:09

Typically can't sleep now as I'm annoyed sigh

Viviennemary Sun 15-Nov-15 21:53:17

Since you ask about bedroom etiquette I think your DH was U re the sex. But you were U to read with the light on.

OldGreyCat Sun 15-Nov-15 21:57:36

there is NOTHING more guaranteed to put a woman off sex than a sulking man-child, imo.

dementedpixie Sun 15-Nov-15 22:00:08

She didn't have a main light on, just the ereader light. How else would she see the words ???

ShebaShimmyShake Sun 15-Nov-15 22:01:44

I'm going to go against the grain a bit here...Obviously you have every right to refuse sex, not arguing that. But I don't think it's a hanging offence for him to be a bit frustrated about it and to act childishly about the light as a result.

Is it just a once off? If you never want to have sex with him, then there is an issue there. Not necessarily a fault in your marriage, if you have insomnia you may have mental health issues or something else to resolve, I don't know. But if it's an ongoing recurring issue, then there's more than just this single incident at hand and it's likely not as simple as some posters seem to be making it.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted Sun 15-Nov-15 22:02:39

"But you were U to read with the light on."

Utter nonsense! The only reason OH went upstairs to bed in the first place was to get his leg over. Now, his cunning plan has been thwarted and the tosspot is having a little sulk. Diddums!

GruntledOne Sun 15-Nov-15 22:05:26

Since when was it unreasonable to read an e-reader using its own light? It's a rare couple whose sleep cycle totally coincides, and it would be totally selfish to insist on your partner lying in the dark when they can't sleep rather than reading an e-reader.

BathshebaDarkstone Sun 15-Nov-15 22:07:29

YANBU. This is why I MN on my phone when I can't sleep. smile

MagicalMrsMistoffelees Sun 15-Nov-15 22:34:35

I play the A to Z game when I can't sleep.

Think of a category (eg countries, football teams, CBeebies programmes, animals, authors, people you know) and then go through the alphabet naming something from that category for each letter. I am ALWAYS asleep by H. Sometimes D.

Sometimes I make my husband play too. When he refuses I have a massive Kevin-strop and moan about the light from his ipad. grin

MarkRuffaloCrumble Sun 15-Nov-15 22:49:56

TBH I would be annoyed if dp had a light on his phone/iPad etc while I was trying to get to sleep. Even the light from my Fitbit as I turn my wrist is enough to disturb my sleep and I have to have blackout blinds and keep all doors shut to stop light getting in my room in the morning.

I imagine he was annoyed that you said you were too tired for sexy time but not for reading, which for me would be a bit of an insult. Dp and I always try to fit it in before we go to sleep. If he said he didn't fancy it but then sat up on his phone I'd feel rejected.

Of course you have every right to say no to sex, but perhaps the way you said it betrays your obvious annoyance at him for wanting it "every 5 minutes". I can imagine saying I was too tired, but being happy to have a cuddle up or even stroking DP's arm/leg while reading, which would give a very different impression to the one you appear to have given him, that his desire makes him a pest.

Perhaps a chat is in order to establish a more loving way to communicate these feelings to each other?

ShebaShimmyShake Sun 15-Nov-15 22:56:06

MarkRuffalo puts it extremely well.

I'm actually a bit disturbed by the number of people who seem to think it's pathetic or silly for a man to want to make love to his wife.

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