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WWYD- Immigration- Useless father- Moving on- AIBU to stop contact

(20 Posts)
inthechocolatefactory1 Sun 15-Nov-15 18:38:31

This is going to be a long one, so I'm just going to go on ahead.

I have a 6 year old DD with her dad. We were together for about 4 years but broke up as I couldn't take his abusive ways.

When DD was around three, I was sick of the little amount of money he would bring to DD's up-bringing and this was the period that the first signs of abuse was happening. It was then that he admitted to me that he came to the UK on a family visa (I think) for 6 months when he was 10. But actually over stayed in the UK for 14 years. Due to this issue, he has not been able to get hold of a job, the reason why he has been sleeping at friends houses to and fro.

To cut long story short, DD's dad was becoming very very abusive around that period and I cut off the relationship. Quickly after that, DD's dad was put into an immigration centre, I would have the Home office writing me constant letters, to which I simply ignored as far as I was concerned I didn't want anything to do with him. When DD was around over 4, he was let out of the deportation centre and apparently his immigration had all been sorted out. Shortly after his release, the dad contacted social services to arrange supervised contact with DD (I insisted he should do this). This was all arranged and I was impressed that DD's dad was making an effort to see her, he showed up on time, he was never late and never missed his supervised contact days with her. On the last day of contact, the social worker told DD's dad how impress she was of him and they decided to that he could see DD unsupervised. I agreed with this also. The social worker oddly told him that she will tell immigration about the contact with DD. But I let this go.

For the first few months, he was really good, he was picking up DD on time from my house, giving me money, more involved. But after those months, the contact became irregular. He wasn't showing up on the days he was suppose to show up, he stopped giving me money. I will hear excuses "oh, his stress about not having a job yet", " His busy with work so will see DD when he can". The abusive ways started to show again, he would insult me on the phone, put me emotionally down. I tried to involve him into all aspects of DD's life, like parents evening, school pick ups, but he was too lazy, wouldn't pick up DD from school that he promised he would. When he calls me, often it's nothing to do about DD. It would be the women troubles his having, how his stress with life etc.

DD is now six, and he is still like this. I don't know what to do, apart of me wants to block all contact from him and DD. Block his number and just move on, though some people are telling me not to block him, but just to wait till he gets very un interested. Also, when I was visiting DD's dad family a couple pf months back, they asked me that immigration will most likely contact me early next year to see how his contact with DD is like, since his visa is expiring next June and he needs to renew it. I asked why was this? and they told me that the reason why DD's dad got his leave to remain visa was because he told immigration that he was seeing DD regularly and wanted to stay in the country because of her.

I was fuming, how dare he use his daughter to get stay in the country and he wasn't seeing DD regular like he proclaimed he was.

I don't know what to do anymore.

inthechocolatefactory1 Sun 15-Nov-15 18:53:38

bump smile

LaLyra Sun 15-Nov-15 18:58:01

I would do nothing. Don't block, but don't encourage either. Keep a note of any contact he asks for with her. If you still have texts/emails from before I'd make a note of all the contact he did have with her. Then when you are asked you can give them the details and they'll be able to see the pattern for themselves, especially if his contact wishes go up again just before his visa is renewed. It won't be the first time they've seen this sort of thing.

It also means that in years to come you'll be able to show your daughter than any sob story he tries to give her about not being allowed contact etc is bullshit.

Salmiak Sun 15-Nov-15 19:02:06

start keeping a diary of contact he has with your dd.

Note whether he turns up or not on agreed contact days (and whether he is on time picking up and dropping off) Put down any dates you invite him to things (school plays, parents evenings, etc) and whether he attends or not. Also note when he asks for contact and whether it's possible for him to see his dd (if not give a reason, e.g. requested seeing her with 10 minutes notice so I said no).

Keep track of his maintenance payments, make a spreadsheet of how much he has paid, how much he hasn't, etc.

That way when immigration come to speak with you they can see accurate and true records.

LeaveMyWingsBehindMe Sun 15-Nov-15 19:04:26

That was his plan all along wasn't it? Your DD is a pawn in his little game and so were you.

Well the best thing you can do is do nothing, but tell them the truth if they ask, and as the PP said, keep a log of contact, because the second he gets what he wants he'll be nowhere to be seen.

I am confused though - if he came in as a child with his parents and he is having issues with leave to remain, how come his father is still here and not in a detention centre also? confused

inthechocolatefactory1 Sun 15-Nov-15 19:07:11

I have emails telling him to see DD. But that's about it. The last contact he had with her was in September. Do you think I should tell immigration or just leave it alone?

inthechocolatefactory1 Sun 15-Nov-15 19:10:03

He hasn't given me any maintenance for about a year now.

Leave I think his visa was sorted out while he was at the deportation centre, apparently your application if your placed in there gets fast tracked.

If they don't ask, should I volunteer the information.

LeaveMyWingsBehindMe Sun 15-Nov-15 19:12:31

If you tell them you have to be careful that you don't look like you are being vindictive. Just say that you are concerned that following what the social worker said you are concerned that he is using your daughter as a means to stay in the country and that you wish to have his contact with her monitored without his knowledge.

inthechocolatefactory1 Sun 15-Nov-15 19:16:17

Oh, I can't just ask them to remove DD's name from his Visa application?

Griphook Sun 15-Nov-15 19:16:22

If immigration contact you, I think you should just be truthful, tell then that you've not have any money for a year and log the contact from now onwards and give them that

Senpai Sun 15-Nov-15 19:19:10

Oh, I can't just ask them to remove DD's name from his Visa application?

She's legally family here, so no. I don't think that you can unfortunately.

I would contact a social worker though to let her know your concerns.

inthechocolatefactory1 Sun 15-Nov-15 19:21:27

Even if he has no contact with her Senpai. I'm not in touch with the social worker anymore. But I'll see if I can get a hold of her.

BeanCalledPickle Sun 15-Nov-15 19:28:03

I'm an immigration lawyer. Do you know on what basis he currently has leave? If he's been in detention I suspect it's on very weak grounds; possibly only released because of an appeal or similar. He may well have no basis of stay other than on private and family life grounds. What you say will not influence the outcome as such, though it will be taken into consideration. It's up to him to demonstrate family life. Where is he from?

inthechocolatefactory1 Sun 15-Nov-15 19:33:58

Private messaged you Bean.

inthechocolatefactory1 Sun 15-Nov-15 21:01:08

bump smile

NeedsAsockamnesty Sun 15-Nov-15 21:05:52

You don't need to keep bumping the thread anybody who has posted on it knows.

Patapouf Sun 15-Nov-15 21:11:57

It does sound as if he using contact with your daughter to extend his stay. If you want to tell UKVI, reply to one of the letters they sent you explaining that he isn't in regular contact.
It would be vindictive though and his immigration status has no bearing on your life. He will be your DDs father whether he is in the UK or not and I don't think she will thank you if you have a hand in her deportation even if he is a useless excuse for a dad!

inthechocolatefactory1 Sun 15-Nov-15 21:17:25

I don't think he will get deported patapouf. It wouldn't be vindictive on my part if I tell them the truth.

Patapouf Sun 15-Nov-15 23:32:01

How do you know? You don't seem to know his actual status in the UK or what grounds he has applied to stay on. What purpose will it serve to tell them he hasn't been seeing your DD?

inthechocolatefactory1 Sun 15-Nov-15 23:45:28

Of course I know patapouf and because I have a feeling that immigration will contact me again regarding contact and wondering what other people would do if they were in my position. That's all. I don't want him using DD and making up so many lies for him to stay in the country. If they don't contact me, I wouldn't bother, but if they do, I will tell them the truth.

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