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To worry if I'll love unborn child as much as DS?

(36 Posts)
ICantThinkOfAUsernameH Sun 15-Nov-15 15:14:51

I hear that you have equal love for children - is this really true? DM has always said she loves my sister more as she "likes her better and has more similar interests" but still loves me.

With DS I had an awful pregnancy and didn't have the instant love as had PND it took a while but I do love him completely unconditionally and always look back with regret and guilt at the first few weeks/months.

Now I'm pregnant with no.2 already having an horrific pregnancy and can see it ending the same way where I have pre/post natal depression. I want to believe I'll love them equally - does this honestly happen?
Feel so guilty writing all this but don't want to say to anyone in RLblush

steff13 Sun 15-Nov-15 15:18:22

I felt that way when I was pregnant with #2 son. I was terrified that I'd never be able to love him as much as I loved #1 son. But I did, and you will, too. Love is infinite, you'll have enough no matter how many kids you have.

PalcumTowder Sun 15-Nov-15 15:18:47

Yes. It really, honestly happens. It might take a while for the love for your second to grow, but it will. The more glimpses of their little personality you see, the more precious they will become.

I felt like this too when pregnant with my second, and even after she was born - I loved her like crazy - but I kept having these awful scenarios go through my head about who I would pick if I could only save one. And it was always my first. Now my second is babbling and laughing and kissing me, I can't imagine how I ever felt that way.

LumpySpaceCow Sun 15-Nov-15 15:22:04

I think that most people have this fear. I remember my mum telling me that she had it when she was expecting me (I am number 2 out of 5 and 7 years between me and sis) but when I was here, the love was the same (maybe not initially as she would openly admit that she never got the overwhelming love the minute a baby was born but it grew into the same).
I felt the same when I was having my 2nd but I needn't have worried - I love them both unconditionally! I also had PND with first but didn't with 2nd (in spite of circumstances e.g. passing of my mum when dd was a few months old).
I would stop over analysing x

Bubblychocolate Sun 15-Nov-15 15:22:32

I worried terribly when pregnant with DD2. How could I possibly love her as much as I love DD1? How could I share the love between them?

I would get really upset, but my father would always tell me that I would love them the same, and I wouldn't have to share the love. I would find 'new love' to love her with.

He was so right. I love both my DDs the same, and I don't love DD1 any less than before. I've just grown all this new love for DD2.

ThroughThickAndThin01 Sun 15-Nov-15 15:23:26

Yes it'll be fine. Love isn't limited. Youll have enough love for another baby, and another.

I can't guarantee you won't feel differently about them, but as long as you love them both and treat them equally, I don't think anyone can do any more.

ICantThinkOfAUsernameH Sun 15-Nov-15 15:45:10

Thank you for your replies steff, palcom, lumpy, bubbly, through feel slightly reassured but still so anxious blush.

PiperIsTerrysChoclateOrange Sun 15-Nov-15 15:46:22

I don't love my 2 DC the same. However I love them equally

I love them for the people they are.

It's hard to explain tbh

Mulligrubs Sun 15-Nov-15 15:56:45

I felt the same when I was pregnant with DD. I didn't really love her while I was pregnant and I cried because I felt guilty about it and worried I'd never love her as much as I love my DS. Well she is currently sleeping on my chest age 3 weeks old and I love her so much. SO much, just as much as I love my DS.

When I was pregnant someone said to ne think of your love for your child as a cake. When a new baby comes you don't cut the cake you get a whole new cake. It is so true.

With my first child I had a very traumatic birth and was mentally in a bad place for a long time. It took me a while to love him but now I love him fiercely. With DD as soon as I heard her cry I loved her just as fiercely as my son.

You'll be fine OP, don't waste too much effort worrying smile

2ndSopranosRule Sun 15-Nov-15 16:18:34

I felt exactly the same when I was pg with dd2. I'm an only child myself and was so very worried about the fact I was giving my dd1 a sibling. As another poster, I love my dds equally, absolutely equally, but differently.

I read on here years ago that you grow an "extra sprong of love" when you have another dc and it's so true: you heart grows bigger with the same capacity for love and you won't even know it. It just happens smile

UsedToBeAPaxmanFan Sun 15-Nov-15 16:23:40

I didn't worry about this at all when I was pregnant with ds2, as I assumed that I would naturally love him as much as Ds1. It was therefore quite a shock to find our that I didn't at first - it actually took quite a few months. I didn't dare admit that to anyone at first, as I thought I must be a dreadful mother.

Then ds2 became a real little person, rather than just any old baby, and I developed just as strong a love for him as I had for Ds1.

So, it might not happen immediately, but you will love both of them.

Btw, I think your mother is appalling to tell you she loves your sister more.

Tapirs Sun 15-Nov-15 16:24:50

Don't worry.

Babies bring the love with them when they come smile

TheNoodlesIncident Sun 15-Nov-15 16:27:20

I think your mother saying that to you is why you're having these doubts in the first place, and for that she is VVVV unreasonable...

Fugghetaboutit Sun 15-Nov-15 16:37:04

Why the hell did your mum say that to you? Awful!

inlawsfromhell Sun 15-Nov-15 16:37:41

I felt the same blush thought I just can't love another person the same as love DC1 but I love them equally they're completely different! Took a good few weeks to get over they didn't look the same though two girls blonde and a brunette completely different faces too me and my sisters look like triples!

MascaraAndConverse89 Sun 15-Nov-15 16:37:47

I've got to admit I never felt like this. I have 3 children.

DH really annoyed and upset me when I was pregnant with our first child. He had a DS already, and he said he was worried that he wouldn't love our child as much. I just didn't get him and even now I don't get the way he felt. He never felt like that when we had our second and third child.

I guess because his DS isn't mine, I was less "sympathetic" towards his feelings and maybe felt that our child wouldn't be good enough for him. Hard to explain.

Dexterjamesmummy Sun 15-Nov-15 16:38:36

I was exactly the same when I was pregnant with my 2nd baby but my situation was very different. My first child, my little boy died in his sleep 18 months ago ( he wad almost 13 months and he was my entire world), I found myself pregnant 2 months later.
How could I love another baby the way I loved him, could I even love it at all? I was terrified that I wouldn't accept this new little person as I missed my little boy so much. I'd have done anything to get him back, I'd swap this new baby for him all day long.
Well she arrived in April, I wanted a boy, I thought she was going to be a boy but she arrived and I wasn't excited that I'd got a girl. I thought I was going to get my little boy back, she didn't even look like him. She had loads of dark hair, he'd had none.
However I soon got over myself! I used to say I'd do anything to get him back, but that is no longer true, I couldn't choose between my children, I couldn't choose him over her. I love my daughter so much, she's brought so much joy into our lives, she's just brilliant. Totally different to her big brother but just as loved.
Once baby is here it will all change x

Fugghetaboutit Sun 15-Nov-15 16:54:06

DexterJamesMummy flowers

PiperChapstick Sun 15-Nov-15 16:56:32

This is exactly what is putting me off trying for baby no2. I had a rough start also with DD but she's 2.5 now and I can't imagine loving someone else the way I love her, how could I possibly?! I know people do but for me I just keep thinking 'how'

StillStayingClassySanDiego Sun 15-Nov-15 17:03:40

DM has always said she loves my sister more as she "likes her better and has more similar interests" but still loves me.

shock, bloody hell OP , no wonder you worry.

You will love your next child equally if you want to.

I have 3 [older now] and love them all the same, for who they are as well as being part of me and dh.

ICantThinkOfAUsernameH Sun 15-Nov-15 17:12:07

I appreciate all your replies I really do, thank you smile.
We had family counselling when I was a teen - I was told for years I was the "afterbirth"not realising what this actually was, so maybe these feeling do come from childhood but it looks like a few others have had it too which puts my mind at rest.
DexterJamesMummy I can't even begin to imagine what it feels like to lose a child. flowers

louisejxxx Sun 15-Nov-15 17:16:46

If it is any help at all, I felt exactly the same when pregnant with the point where when I went in to labour I didn't want to leave dc1 with my parents to go to hospital as I felt like I was betraying him to go off and have another baby.

The feeling definitely passes!

Narp Sun 15-Nov-15 17:54:33

As others have said, your mum was wrong to have said that, even if she believed it to be true.

I also had the same worries, but as others have said, I love my two boys equally. Mine are teens and I'v had ups and down with both of them, feeling closer to, or more frustrated with each at different times. When I had DS2, the reverse happened to what I had expected - I had a rush of love for him that I had not experienced with DS1 (difficult birth, PND), and that made me feel guilty for a while.

You have your whole life to build relationships with them - just remember that they are individuals. Treat them as such, don't compare, and don't label them according to gender. You'll be fine.

And what is lovely, is that you can play a part in helping their relationship with each other. And then there will come a time when their relationship is entirely separate from the relationship they have with you. And that's interesting to watch.

ICantThinkOfAUsernameH Sun 15-Nov-15 18:08:59

I'm glad louise
narp I never thought about the building of relationship between the two, that's quite a nice thought smile

Narp Sun 15-Nov-15 18:12:48

Oh, it's one of the best things! My DS2 gave his first smile and his first laugh to his brother (even though his brother was a bit bloody miffed about his little brother's arrival).

And for a few years they fought a lot, and then there came the time that DS1 gave DS2 much better advice about a friendship issue than I attempted.

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