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AIBU that we should pay for DM's meal?

(54 Posts)
Peanuts2000 Sat 14-Nov-15 22:50:39

My DM has a big birthday soon, we are supposed to be going out for a family meal. I think the children should pay for this which will include extended family, around 20 people altogether. One sibling thinks we shouldn't, only for DM, the others should pay their own. Feel embarrassed as DM wouldn't be expected to pay towards a meal if she was invited out by her extended family. Also know this sibling has the money, also DM has helped this sibling out in many ways including childcare for years. Other siblings are useless and don't want to get involved. Getting sick of the lot of them and feel like telling them to get stuffed!

HunterHearstHelmsley Sat 14-Nov-15 22:53:37

It depends really. I probably wouldn't be happy if one of my sisters arranged a meal then told me I was paying a massive chunk but we're more of a family that each pays for their own.

ElsaAintAsColdAsMe Sat 14-Nov-15 22:55:15

I agree with your sibling, I would pay for your DM but not for 20 family members, surely they will all be expecting to pay their own way anyway?

Hassled Sat 14-Nov-15 22:55:34

Can the siblings actually afford to pay for everyone else's meals? Are you all financially pretty much in the same boat?

If I was "extended family" in this scenario I'd expect to pay for my own meal.

TheBouquets Sat 14-Nov-15 22:55:55

I would not expect DM to pay for her own meal. Perhaps the children, adults now I would thing, should split the bill evenly between them. That is what I would want to do but not all siblings are made the same.

thebaelishmockingbird Sat 14-Nov-15 22:58:10

In my family we pay for the person whose birthday it is and then everyone else pays for themselves. It is easy to say ' I know she can afford it' but you still have no idea what is going on behind the scenes.
20 is a lot to pay for at a big meal out. How many siblings are there to split the cost and whose idea was the meal out ?

ElderlyKoreanLady Sat 14-Nov-15 23:02:31

I'm with your sibling I think. I wouldn't be happy with someone else suggesting that I pay for part of a party of 20 rather than just my immediate family's meal and my share of DM's in this situation. I wouldn't appreciate being told how generous I should be.

Peanuts2000 Sat 14-Nov-15 23:04:05

I realise I didn't say in the message that we all inherited a sum of money recently so I just presumed we would contribute towards the meal, there are four of us. Maybe I'm being naive but would feel embarrassed asking for money off the other family members when they wouldn't expect her to pay if it was othe way around.

honeysucklejasmine Sat 14-Nov-15 23:06:38

No, I agree with your siblings. I will happily pay for DM, but Great Aunty Joan can buy her own dinner!

ElderlyKoreanLady Sat 14-Nov-15 23:09:09

Of course nobody would expect DM to pay...And she won't be! You and your siblings pay for DM, the others pay for themselves.

honeysucklejasmine Sat 14-Nov-15 23:09:50

X post.

Do you mean, if Great Aunty Joan was organising a meal for you all, she'd pay for it, so you should do the same?

I don't know... I have owned my own house for six years, married with a kid on the way, i.e. a fully functioning adult, but I still would not really be able to afford to pay a huge restaurant bill at this time of year.

sleeponeday Sat 14-Nov-15 23:13:15

I'm with your siblings. Pay for your mum, absolutely, but the rest? What? I wouldn't let you if you tried, in their shoes. Why should you? Far simpler, easier and fairer if everyone fends for themselves other than your mum.

EleanorRigsby Sat 14-Nov-15 23:14:42

Is paying 25% of your DMs meal such an issue?
Does she eat/drink a lot?
Are you going to an expensive outlet?
All seems a bit mountain out of a mole hill, but I accept that families and siblings do raise the hackles in a lot of us.
Personally I'd pay for DM myself and ask my siblings to contribute. If they did, then great, if they didn't then I'd give them my best Paddington stare and give them a Sh1te Christmas present or take them off my Xmas card list.
But I can bee too petty wink sometimes.

EleanorRigsby Sat 14-Nov-15 23:17:13

I see I may have misunderstood the payment requirement.

ElsaAintAsColdAsMe Sat 14-Nov-15 23:17:24

Eleanor they are expected to pay 25% of the meal for 20 people (as far as I can understand from the op) the sibling is willing to pay for their DM, just not the rest of them.

peggyundercrackers Sat 14-Nov-15 23:18:50

If I was invited out to a birthday I would expect it to be paid for, don't expect to go to a party and have to feed myself...

AgentProvocateur Sat 14-Nov-15 23:20:09

I would never invite people for a meal then expect them to pay, so I agree with you OP.

KurriKurri Sat 14-Nov-15 23:21:52

Inheriting a sum of money is irrelevant - you are making assumptions about what your sibling wants to spend their money on - not your place to do that.They may have plans you don't know about for their money which doesn't include unnecessarily paying for a large family meal.

Paying for mum is good - it's her birthday - I'm sure no one else would expect a free meal - why would they? It's not their birthday.

TestingTestingWonTooFree Sat 14-Nov-15 23:24:53

Scale down the plan?

Prettyinblue Sat 14-Nov-15 23:24:57

I don't know many people who could afford to do this, I would never expect anyone else to pay. It has happened n our family and I've felt very grateful, but wouldn't expect it or mind in the least if it didn't.

Devilishpyjamas Sat 14-Nov-15 23:25:08

If I was in a group of 20 no way would I expect 4 people to pay for the lot. Bonkers. I'm with your sibling (& if I paid for a share of 20 I would be on beans on toast for the rest of the month).

bluebolt Sat 14-Nov-15 23:25:00

In my family we would pay for ourselves and split birthday person and in DPs family those hosting pay. No side is right or wrong just the dynamics of the families and what has happened in the past.

fastdaytears Sat 14-Nov-15 23:26:15

MN will never agree on this! Half of the posters will say that everyone pays their own way, other half will say that if you invite then you pay.

My family is in the latter camp. If it's an invitation for a special event (ie not "let's meet for dinner next week") then the hosts would pay.

But nothing wrong with not if it's not how that family works and everyone understands that.

hipino Sat 14-Nov-15 23:26:35

We had a similar meal for my Dad a few years ago, around the same no. of extended family and we did what the OP suggested. Me and my siblings paid for the total meal cost between us, extended family/friends didn't pay. For us it was like a party and the rest of the family were guests we'd invited.

MidniteScribbler Sat 14-Nov-15 23:32:02

Could you have people pay for themselves, and you provide an amount on the bar? When I had a surprise party for my dad's 60th, I was a student, not flush with funds, and we had everyone pay for themselves and I provided the alcohol (I shopped for six months beforehand buying all the good deals on beer/wine/champers) and the cake. I couldn't have afforded paying for the 50 people that wanted to come, so it seemed like a fair compromise. The place was BYO so quite a few people brought a bottle as well so there was more than enough to drink.

Keep the meal cost reasonable, and let people know upfront. "We're going to Xxxxxxx and it will be xx per person" so there are no surprises on the night.

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