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To be offended by DH taking a week out from a current business trip and flying to South Africa without telling me?

(134 Posts)
HoomanBean Sat 14-Nov-15 17:17:13

To give you a bit of history, my DH travels abroad on business 4-5 times a year. He's self employed and still setting up business and we're not that well off, but nor are we struggling.

Now, my DH has decided to go away to Asia for 2 weeks on business. I felt it was not 100% necessary to actually travel but could see his point of view in the need to actually travel there in person. He pays for this by withholding some of the money he's earnt on previous business trips to pay for future trips so although both our wages are paid into the joint account, he doesn't add everything he earns additionally into the join account.

Two days ago, he texted me to say that he's flying to South Africa from Asia to pursue another business opportunity with a friend there. He knew he was going when he booked the ticket 3 weeks before flying but didn't tell me until thd day he was flying. I texted back asking him not to go and that it was a waste of money and to just concentrate on his business in Asia atm but by the time he'd received my message he was already in Johannesburg.

I feel betrayed and deceived by him although I'm not sure if I'm being reasonable. Part of me says he's a grown man and doesn't need to tell me where he's going. He's spending his own money and although it's money that would otherwise be spent on his family, he's entitled to go anywhere in the world without my permission.
The other voice in my head is saying that purposely withheld information from me and that makes me feel as though I can't trust him anymore. I know he would say that I'm always discouraging when he wants to embark on these new opportunities but I have seen him throw money away on countless business trips that came to nothing. He would say that he can't handle my negativity when he's trying something new and maybe it's best not to tell me until he's there.
I feel hurt and upset to think of him flying all the way to South Africa without even telling me. He's got sisters there and I know he was thinking that he'd meet up with them too as he hasn't seen them for a few years.
I'm torn between trying not to take it personally and taking it extremely personally. He hasn't been in touch since yesterday morning and I want to sort my head out before he calls.
What do you all think?

BrendaandEddie Sat 14-Nov-15 17:22:01

think there is a huge overlap of business and marriage here.
I wonder if you can do both

Bailey101 Sat 14-Nov-15 17:24:34

I wouldn't be bothered about the extra bit of the trip, but I would be upset that he'd known for 3 weeks and hadn't told me. That's pretty weird. Does he often do big things like this and not tell you about it?

ImperialBlether Sat 14-Nov-15 17:26:55

Do you think he didn't tell you because you would object or because he's used to not including you/your opinion in his plans?

Palomb Sat 14-Nov-15 17:27:33

So basicially he's jetting off all round the world and you're stuck at home? I'd be pissed off too.

Enjolrass Sat 14-Nov-15 17:28:48

Are you part owner of this business?

Personally I would be pretty pissed. But me and dh own our business together. So even if it was a last minute decision he made without me, I would be annoyed. Because it's a joint business decision.

Generally though, i would really want to know why he didn't say before he left. Regardless of the business. And I would take 'I just didn't think to mention it' as an answer

notamum3210 Sat 14-Nov-15 17:30:37

Why didn't he tell you? Alarm bells would start ringing if this was me. YANB at all.

missymayhemsmum Sat 14-Nov-15 17:43:49

YANBU to be peeved that he decided to go without telling you, but I should imagine having your partner trying to tell you how to run your business/ do your job could be pretty frustrating too. In the past have his business trips abroad resulted in more income for the business? Clearly he regards them as necessary (and bringing money into the family) , you regard them as expensive (and taking money away). Based on past evidence, who is right?

HoomanBean Sat 14-Nov-15 17:45:18

There is an overlap of business and marriage but we've been married for almost 20 years and been joint owners of a business for 18 of them without any issues. We both have defined roles. This is a new venture that he's been pursuing for a few years alone. He did suggest we do it together but I told him it's too much for me and that he'd be better off doing it alone. He still talks to me about it and takes my opinion on certain things but generally I leave him to it as I've got enough on my plate.

I figure he didn't tell me because he thinks I'd object. And because he feels I don't support him in spending money flying around. My own approach is to use email and Skype and the 1001 other communication ways to a range things first and fly out only if absolutely needed as it's a huge cost. He see it as sometimes you need to be on the ground talking to other businesses and potential suppliers and customers to get a better understanding. Then sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't.

ImperialBlether Sat 14-Nov-15 17:48:45

Does he keep a record of how successful his visits are compared to his communications with others using the phone etc?

Surely that would be something you'd expect from any business owner?

HoomanBean Sat 14-Nov-15 17:51:06

I wouldn't be bothered about the extra bit of the trip, but I would be upset that he'd known for 3 weeks and hadn't told me. That's pretty weird. Does he often do big things like this and not tell you about it?

This is what I think. That he should have told me even if he did think I was going to kick up a fuss.

He's done it before once in the past. He woke up one Saturday, had breakfast and then I found him putting his suitcase in the car and coming back in with a sheepish grin to tell me he's going to Turkey on business for 3 days. I was in shock but was livid after he went. He said I'm negative about things and that's why he didn't tell me. He says he doesn't need my permission to go anywhere and as I didn't need him that weekend and nor did we have anything planned, he's entitled to go without asking me.

We didn't talk for a week after he returned. In the end we made up but he still maintained he did nothing wrong.

HoomanBean Sat 14-Nov-15 17:54:42

It's definitely more successful when he goes in person. But there have been too many trips that have resulted in nothing and this is what peeves me off. He says that he's trying hard and wants to be successful only so that he can provide for his family and I do see that he does try hard to make his businesses work but at the same time, he loves flying and I feel he'll use any excuse to go abroad even when it's not necessary.

BathtimeFunkster Sat 14-Nov-15 17:56:10

He's a wanker and he's using this new venture to spend company money on unjustifiable jollies because he enjoys them.

Chippednailvarnish Sat 14-Nov-15 17:57:27

I'd tell him not to bother coming home, he's deceitful and dishonest.

lorelei9 Sat 14-Nov-15 17:58:46

it sounds like he really loves the travel
if it's not justifiable as a business expense and not delivering then that's a major issue

I can't tell if you are worried about that or just annoyed that he goes away a lot....would you be all right with him going away if the trips washed their face, so to speak?

HoomanBean Sat 14-Nov-15 17:59:59

Really? I'm a bit surprised. I thought I was being clingy and too restricting?

wickedwaterwitch Sat 14-Nov-15 18:01:09

NFW would my husband do this. Neither would I. It's not reasonable behaviour.

Chippednailvarnish Sat 14-Nov-15 18:02:47

He's got you well trained hasn't he.

You're married, you're meant to be a team. If one of the team thinks it's okay to sneak around and lie then you have huge issues. I bet your Sils knew all about this trip.

HoomanBean Sat 14-Nov-15 18:04:31

lorelei I think I'd be okay with him going if the trips were more likely to be fruitful. I'd say at the moment they are only 40% productive.

When I say I'd be okay, I mean I'd be more tolerant. Tbh I don't enjoy him going away. But I'm not as keen a traveller as he is and I can't ask him to stay at home with me just because I don't want to travel.

HoomanBean Sat 14-Nov-15 18:06:39

Shit. What Chippednail said really resonates.

HoomanBean Sat 14-Nov-15 18:07:10

So what do I do?

AnUtterIdiot Sat 14-Nov-15 18:08:28

Your marriage is almost a red herring - I don't mean that horribly, I mean that even if you weren't married business partners need to have an established/agreed way of resolving differences on business ventures. I have no way of knowing what the business case is for going to SA, but it is crap that he sprang it on you like this. I don't know if there is necessarily anything more sinister in it that him knowing that you wouldn't agree if he told you about it and so not telling you until it was too late to discuss it. But business partners should not spend company money without discussing and agreeing it and having some sort of deadlock breaker in place if you can't agree.

RollingRollingRolling Sat 14-Nov-15 18:09:06

Fuck me. No he doesn't need your permission to go away, but he needs to tell you when he's thinking about it, then when he books it, not when he's putting the suitcase in the car.
Do you have kids?
When he gets back tell him you're starting a new business venture and are off to New York for 5days, you didn't need his permission so didn't think you needed to tell him. Then go stay with a friend locally/stay at a lovely b&b or actually go see the Christmas lights in New York. Don't answer communication from him when you're there.
When you're there think how lovely it feels and if you really want to stay with him

KeepOnMoving1 Sat 14-Nov-15 18:09:50

Isn't it just a basic level of respect and decency to tell your partner big plans like this. My dh wouldn't just 'tell' me and off he goes we discuss, decide what needs to be done at home and plan. Your dh is really out of order doing this.

32ndfloorandabitdizzy Sat 14-Nov-15 18:11:02

He is working- he is not on holiday. That said he should have mentioned it in advance if he knew.

We both travel with work, regularly change our plans and never really tell each other the detail of where we are (although probably would mention a country change if we were in touch) . We both roughly know how many nights we will be away but I don't have the time to know the details of his travel and visa versa.

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