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AIBU to expect DH to look after our kids?

(121 Posts)
PigsWiggle Sat 14-Nov-15 13:57:17

I'm 100% sure I'm being totally reasonable but he says I'm not so I would love to hear an objective view.

We have 2 kids, 4 and 1.

On Saturday mornings I take our 4 year old to her swimming lesson, I take the 1 year old with me too.

After swimming we go to the park, feed the ducks, visit the library, go to the coffee shop, pop to the supermarket etc etc so we are normally out of the house for 3 to 4 hours.

Whilst I'm doing this my DH will either be doing overtime at work or at home doing chores/ housework.

This Saturday my DH is not working and I asked him to swop as I need to have a few hours uninterrupted time at home to go through our finances. (We are planning on getting a loan to do some building work and I want to work out where we can make cut backs and how much we can borrow).

He says "he can't" and "doesn't want to" take 2 kids swimming as it would be too hard looking after both. He says he will take the 4 year old swimming and leave 1 year old with me, I said no as that doesn't help me as can't focus on finances and look after baby. He says he will take both kids out later to park but I said no as that would not give me enough time.

He says I'm being totally unreasonable as he has told me all along he doesn't want to do it.
I've told him that he is being unfair, selfish and pathetic! I've told him it is hard work looking after 2 kids but I do it! I've told him that it is unfair that I should have to beg him to look after his own kids, they are his responsibility too! I find it unfair that on Saturday afternoons he gets to go out for 6 hours with his dad to footie while I look after kids, what would he say if I said "I can't" and "don't want to"??!

So after a week of squabbling about this he has won! I've taken both kids to swimming and he stayed at home. He is now at footie so I can't concentrate on finances and look after 2 kids.

I'm mad that I don't get to do what I wanted to do and I mad that he is making out I'm being totally unreasonable, I'm not an I???

CurlyBlueberry Sat 14-Nov-15 13:59:46

He is being unreasonable. There's NO reason he can't take both kids, he just plain doesn't want to.

SurlyCue Sat 14-Nov-15 14:00:44

Hes a dick. Why does he have 2 children he doesnt want to raise? Next week you leave the house without the DC before he gets up. Spend the day enjoying yourself.

Junosmum Sat 14-Nov-15 14:01:45

YANBU. You aren't asking him to do anything you don't/ wouldn't do.

aprilanne Sat 14-Nov-15 14:06:45

its not fair i agree but if he has never done it he may just not be the type .my hubby would not have done that either to be honest i realised early on that my 3 sons activities playdates etc were my responsibility .my hubby has always been a good provider financially always kind to boys .but activities no way

MrsBungle Sat 14-Nov-15 14:09:38

He is being ridiculous. My dh would be embarrassed not to be able to see to his children just like I can.

SurlyCue Sat 14-Nov-15 14:10:01

its not fair i agree but if he has never done it he may just not be the type

When you choose to be a parent you are choosing to be the 'type'.

northernsoul78 Sat 14-Nov-15 14:12:09


Snossidge Sat 14-Nov-15 14:13:17

Yeah I think I might not be the type for it either but funnily enough no one ever gave me the option hmm

BathtimeFunkster Sat 14-Nov-15 14:14:03

When you do the finances, figure out how to arrange them so that you no longer have this passenger living in your children's home and teaching them that women are lower status than men.

TowerRavenSeven Sat 14-Nov-15 14:14:47

Yanbu! Did he want children? Did he want another child after the first?

AnneElliott Sat 14-Nov-15 14:15:49

YANBU op. My DH is similar which is why we only have 1 DS.

No advice really, other than being unavailable for when he wants to go out.

diddl Sat 14-Nov-15 14:16:12

Well more fool you for taking them both unless you wanted to.

I would have taken his offer of the park later tbh.

I wouldn't take a 1yr old to watch a sibling swim if there was a parent at home that I could leave them with.

AyeAmarok Sat 14-Nov-15 14:16:31

He isn't much of a parent or partner, is he.

expatinscotland Sat 14-Nov-15 14:16:36

I would gather all the financial stuff and your laptop, get up and fucking leave him with those kids whilst you hit a cafe with WiFi and sit there as long as you need to, phone off.

aprilanne Sat 14-Nov-15 14:17:52

yes curly sue in an ideal world you are correct .but my hubby should have been born in victorian days according to my mother .i mean god i remember going my holidays every year when my sons little .me and the boys went hubby staid at home and done some decorating .they rib him about it now .i admit it sounds like he did,nt care but he just thought that was how it worked .we are only 45/49 not ancient but his attitude certainly was .

VashtaNerada Sat 14-Nov-15 14:18:40

He is being unreasonable, although I find it easier to do stuff with both DC when I've done it loads of times so I'm into a routine. If I suddenly found out I was doing something new I'd panic a bit too. Can you reassure him that it's perfectly do-able with both of them, and talk through how you handle it when you go? I'm not sure it's a man/woman thing necessarily, DH often takes the DC to soft play which is my idea of hell. I'd want him to talk me through what he normally does if I was suddenly landed with it.

Murdock Sat 14-Nov-15 14:19:47

My DW is like this - if she's going into town, to an activity or something then she says she can't take both DCs as it is too much for her. I've taken them both swimming or shopping or to the playpark on my own and can't see what the fuss is.

VashtaNerada Sat 14-Nov-15 14:20:10

Oh, clearly didn't read the OP and it's moved on. Well, tomorrow is your day to yourself then surely?

Fratelli Sat 14-Nov-15 14:25:57

He's being a knob! At the next opportunity leave the kids with him whilst you go out and tell him you expect the finances to be done when you get home!

Murdock Sat 14-Nov-15 14:26:48

Oops, meant that my DW is like your DH, OP.

Totally not being unreasonable. Could he have taken them to the football with him, or would that not work?

Finola1step Sat 14-Nov-15 14:27:23

What's done is done - for today. So enjoy your day with your dc.

But tomorrow, get up, get ready, get your stuff and go out. Leave him to it.

And then at some time in the very near future, sit down with him and talk this through properly. If you have wildly different views on family life, best be thrashed out sooner rather than later.

fiftyandfat Sat 14-Nov-15 14:28:37

He is unfair, selfish and pathetic.

Do you really want to take on more debt with this man?

goodnightdarthvader1 Sat 14-Nov-15 14:31:36

He's being a selfish dick.

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut Sat 14-Nov-15 14:31:54

Ffs why do you pander to his twattish ways?

Do what Expat said.

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