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To expect that my home is not considered to be a hotel.....

(82 Posts)
mammasmadhouse Sat 14-Nov-15 09:41:31

I have a 20 year old DD, who is at Uni, but lives at home, she works weekends during the day. We are not a high earning family but do not expect DD1 to contribute financially in anyway (and despite spending her way through £10k last year).
My main beef is that my home just feels like a hotel, where I am expected to wash, clean and feed DD. She does very little around the house, for example this week I hadn't had chance to wash her work clothes, so got a text last night asking to make sure her stuff is dry for work today, this was after she had gone back to BF's house as they had popped in with her car for her dad to look at... She has a long-term boyfriend and they don't go out a great deal but 2 nights a week he comes to ours for tea. The pair of them walk through the door and sit down and wait to be fed, then they sit in front of the TV for the rest of the night. (Saturday night is the only night, myself and hubbie (who works nights) have where we are not preparing stuff for the next day) but this is one of the nights we spend wedged on the settee with DD1 and her BF.Three nights a week they go to his house and do pretty much the same, on the nights where my DD is here she is in her room working through her Uni work so that she can go to BF's the next day, her younger sister barely gets to see her let alone spend any time with her. If I ask her to help more with cleaning or don't do her ironing for example I get the cold shoulder and it gets very atmospheric, sometimes there is barely any conversation. Am I really being unreasonable....

OTheHugeManatee Sat 14-Nov-15 09:43:19


MediumBox Sat 14-Nov-15 09:44:55

text her
'I expect you to take care of your own clothes. btw what will you cook for all of us next tuesday?

JeanSeberg Sat 14-Nov-15 09:46:15

Stop doing it. Most 20 year olds living away at uni are doing all this for themselves so she can too.

Assume she is in final year? What's the plan after graduating? I'd be encouraging her to find a house share ASAP.

FinallyHere Sat 14-Nov-15 09:47:00

MN wisdom 'No is a complete sentence' was never more relevant.

Justmuddlingalong Sat 14-Nov-15 09:47:23

Suggest she pays rent. Or pulls her weight. Either or, not neither.

Chillyegg Sat 14-Nov-15 09:49:20


PegsPigs Sat 14-Nov-15 09:49:51

Chores in lieu of paying her way. That will help prepare her for real life.

whois Sat 14-Nov-15 09:50:08

Oh why on earth are you still washing her clothes? And cooking for her? And generally acting like her servant whilst she pays nothing towards keep and is horrible to you?

It doing her any favours by letting her be an infantilised user like this.

Floralnomad Sat 14-Nov-15 09:53:04

If she isn't going out what is she spending all the money on ? my DS did uni from home and had a PT retail job but he came out of uni debt free ( we paid the course fees) and with several thousand pounds in savings . Was your dd helpful around the house when she was younger because it's very difficult to start instilling that as they get older .

JeanSeberg Sat 14-Nov-15 09:53:39

This is why I don't think it's a good idea for students to live at home. When is she ever going to learn some life skills?

honeysucklejasmine Sat 14-Nov-15 09:53:40

Warn her you are going to stop doing it. Then stop.

AliceInUnderpants Sat 14-Nov-15 09:54:48

Have you actually put your foot down and told her what you expect? No, then how's she to know that the game has changed?

Next time you end up sandwiched on the sofa between them, ask your DH if he'd like an early night, nudge nudge, wink, wink, then go upstairs and have the noisiest sex you can. Do this every time. She'll soon leave, or at least give you more space wink

Seeyounearertime Sat 14-Nov-15 09:57:25

Hang on, My DD is 2.5 and sounds like she does more. grin

Tell DD to pull her head out her arse. Sort her own clothes, do her own cleaning and sort her own food. I'd also want board and keeping too, unless she's going to buy her own food and pay for her half of TV licemse, Sky, internet, phone etc.

BalloonSlayer Sat 14-Nov-15 10:12:21

So what was your reply to her text about her clothes then?

"Yes of course darling, don't I always?"


"Who the hell do you think you are? You're a grown woman, do it yourself."

Arfarfanarf Sat 14-Nov-15 10:15:22

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cailindana Sat 14-Nov-15 10:18:46

My mother stopped washing my clothes when I was 10. I think raising such a lazy ungrateful child is down to how both you and your DH have taught her. At that age I still lived at home but I cooked and cleaned and I was considered to be a housemate, not a child. There was no tension, we all just got on with it.

WorraLiberty Sat 14-Nov-15 10:19:12

I'm sorry but it's hard to muster up much sympathy for you OP.

It's like cutting off your leg and then complaining you walk with a limp.

Stop being a walkover.

GoblinLittleOwl Sat 14-Nov-15 10:20:50

She runs a car and she is at University! Who funds that?

Because she is studying it does not mean she is incapable of turning on a washing machine, or ironing or cleaning.

You should be ashamed of her.

Going to college at 18 made me aware that there was not a housework fairy; when I returned home I was far more helpful, and grateful.

Enkopkaffetak Sat 14-Nov-15 10:21:08

Set up a rota om x days she does dishes and y days younger sister on a nab you and do do them

Tell them both to begin to sort their own laundry and then allocate one weekly chore each.

My 12 year old does more than your dd.she has one dishes day and is expected to keen her room tidy and to get her laundry sorted into piles. (Not enough to wash for her separate) plus a weekly chore that changes weekly today it will be clean kitchen floor.

Also if dd is there with her by tell the, we did the cooking somI expect the two of you to do the dishes.

notenoughbottle Sat 14-Nov-15 10:21:44

YANBU. She needs to grow up. At the age of 18 I went to university and did all my own stuff as well as working and at the age of 20 I added a baby into the equation. It sounds like she needs a bit of a talking to. Have you spoken to her bf's parents? If they're doing this an equal number of nights a week at their house maybe they are feeling a bit put out too?

TheTigerIsOut Sat 14-Nov-15 10:23:56

Why wouldn't it be considered a hotel if you are providing a more comprehensive service than the average B&B?

Why would she be acting like a responsible adult that she is if you are doing everything for her, paying for her expenses and allowing her to use her earnings as pocket money?

Do her a huge favour and stop treating her like a child, you might not be allowing her to grow into a fully responsible and independent adult.

Thattimeofyearagain Sat 14-Nov-15 10:30:45

Nope. Stop enabling her, your doing net no favours at all.

AlwaysHope1 Sat 14-Nov-15 10:31:27

Well she only turned out this way because she was allowed to. She's an adult! You need to stop doing this for her because she doesn't respect you as her mother to be treating you like this at her age.
If she gives you the cold shoulder then stuff her, don't let her walk all over you.

Salmotrutta Sat 14-Nov-15 10:33:19

Good grief OP she is taking the mick!

Have you always done everything for her? Has she never helped out with chores?

From the time they were quite young I used to get mine to keep their own rooms tidy, set tables, load and unload dishwashers and so forth.
Of course there was lots of moaning from them but they knew that if they didn't help out there was no pocket money and I would just start binning stuff from their rooms if it wasn't tidied away.

They were also pretty good at rustling up a meal for themselves if they were home after we had eaten.

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