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To think at 28 my privacy should be respected and should be able to live my life the way I want?

(51 Posts)
itsthecircleoflife Fri 13-Nov-15 22:29:31

So ive had a tremendously shit week.

Lost my job on Monday. 100% did not see it coming and im devastated to say the least. While i can get a job in the same sector relatively easily in todays day terms, theres no chance ill find one the same in the area I live in

I came home on Tuesday because I needed to be with my parents for a few days. I had to kick my flatmate out last week and just couldnt face being on my own. Im fine and im starting to accept it- so really not look for sympthy, just giving a back story.
Im fortunate because I have savings and I have a new flatmate lined up and her rent will cover the mortgage pretty much.

Went out with an old friend today and came back to my Mum asking me why I had condoms in my bag. I told her it was my business, and that she needed to respect my privacy. She had a face like she was sucking on a lemon.

Earlier she wanted something that was in my car and she went and got my keys to go and get it. I insisted that id do it, and I was met with "why are you so secreative? You should show your mother a bit of respect!" I was a bit hmm at this- this is a woman who chose to root through the bags of her 28 year old daughter who has lived independantly for 10 years (and im sure you can see why...)


MillionToOneChances Fri 13-Nov-15 22:30:45


Mumoftwoyoungkids Fri 13-Nov-15 22:39:55

"Why do you have condoms in your bag?"
"Because I don't want to get pregnant."

Calm as you can - sex is a very natural thing for a 28 year old to be doing.

LadyMaryofDownt0n Fri 13-Nov-15 22:44:54

Lol this happened me once. My DM found condoms in my bag right in front of my face. She lifted them out & said "Condoms, why do you need those".

I said "For sex Mother, lots of lovely bouncy sex".

We both laughed & she said "emm lucky you".

You should have tried that approach I bet she wouldn't do it again, mine didn't even though she's pretty open minded as you can see.

Sorry about you job.

MothertotheLordsofmisrule Fri 13-Nov-15 22:45:04

I can see why you moved out at 18.

I could understand if it was a gun or a hamster - why would you need to ask why someone has condoms in their bag??? Should be pretty obvious why.

x2boys Fri 13-Nov-15 22:52:06

is it not just mums ? i think my mum wanted to beleive i was a virgin untill i got married at 31 she wanted to beleive that but i,m sure she didnt i know she ignored my pill packet for years!

dodobookends Fri 13-Nov-15 23:01:00

OP you couldn't face being on your own for a few days, so you decided to go and return to your childhood home and your parents for a bit of mollycoddling and home comforts. It is nice to sometimes be able to switch off and feel cared for rather than having to rely on yourself all the time.

The thing is... your mum is finding it hard to switch off from 'Mum' mode and treat you as a fellow independent adult - she means well, but can't help reverting to how things were when you were younger (especially since you've had such a rotten week). Us mums can't help it sometimes.

tiktok Fri 13-Nov-15 23:25:30

Of course mothers can help it. Your mum was rude, nosy and way out of order, OP.

Chasingsquirrels Fri 13-Nov-15 23:37:09

Rofl at a gun or a hamster!

timelytess Fri 13-Nov-15 23:40:19

why I had condoms in my bag
1 - because I might want a shag, mum.
2 - How do you know what's in my bag?
3 - To make water bombs. Isn't that what they're for? I've run out now anyway, mum, can I have some of yours?

dodobookends Fri 13-Nov-15 23:49:42

Perhaps she was rude tiktok but it isn't always easy for a parent to handle these situations. I remember very well that when I moved back home with my mum for a short while, I found it very difficult to be both a daughter, and also someone who (as the OP puts it) wanted my privacy respected and to be able to live the way I wanted. I think that she possibly found the new me rather difficult to live with (and I found her 'mothering' difficult to accept as well).

The parent/child relationship can take a long time to settle and adjust when the younger one has become accustomed to total freedom and independence, and has been living away from home for some time - it would be easy to unintentionally rub one another up the wrong way.

sleeponeday Sat 14-Nov-15 00:08:12

I think if you choose to interrogate a grown adult about a choice to keep condoms in their bag, which you only know about because you rifled through it, then you can certainly help it.

And this particular mother, provided the child is old enough to handle a sex life, would be very relieved to know how responsible they were in carrying condoms. Otherwise, I'd not want to touch the topic with a ten foot pole once they left home, were properly grown up, and steering them on these issues was no longer my concern!

Boundary issues aren't okay. And that is what this is. Invading a grown child's privacy so grievously and then complaining that they are owed "more respect" if the child tries to circumvent the surveillance... if an OP posted about a MIL doing that, the answers would be pretty aggressively anti.

AdjustableWench Sat 14-Nov-15 00:09:06

* it isn't always easy for a parent to handle these situations*

Maybe, but I do find it quite easy to refrain from going through my daughter's bag.

Mind you, my daughter is quite open about her condoms.

AdjustableWench Sat 14-Nov-15 00:09:35

<bold fail>

Trills Sat 14-Nov-15 00:30:20

I understand why you want privacy.

But given that you wanted to go home for a bit of mollycoddling because you felt sad (thanks dodo for the word), it's understandable that when you reverted to "I am a child look after me" mode, you rmum reverted to "I am the adult I will check you bags for washing that needs doing" mode (or similar).

TestingTestingWonTooFree Sat 14-Nov-15 00:31:48

Yanbu. Not sure what the answer is.

dodobookends Sat 14-Nov-15 00:32:46


I was just trying to help, and pour oil on troubled waters.

ProcrastinatorGeneral Sat 14-Nov-15 00:36:16

I'd opt for a dildo, a butt plug and the biggest tube of lube I could source at short notice being placed in my bag for the next encounter, but then I am a wind up merchant at times.

Hope you're feeling better soon smile

itsthecircleoflife Sat 14-Nov-15 00:50:11

Trills it isnt that- Mum hasnt done anything like for me since I was about 14. She was doing it to snoop.

Thanks everyone. Will be packing my bags in the morning and going home.

Trills Sat 14-Nov-15 01:06:32

If that's the case then I am not really sure why you thought that going back there would make you feel better.

I hope you do feel better and that you find a better way to take care of yourself in future, without needing to rely on people who are no good at looking after you when you need it.

Maryz Sat 14-Nov-15 01:28:48

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

StrawberryTeaLeaf Sat 14-Nov-15 01:32:02

My DD is not quite 16. I wouldn't dream of going through her bag or drawers or even entering her room without her there and consenting.

Sometimes it's easier to get used to spending time alone smile

passion4pno Sat 14-Nov-15 01:39:58

Your friend iunbelievable! My goodness this would make me livid!
Hope you find a new job soon

ThumbWitchesAbroad Sat 14-Nov-15 02:03:58

Your mum = way out of line.
But mine would probably have been the same.
I went away for 1 year in University, and then had to be at home again for my Final year - it was enough for me to realise that I couldn't ever subjugate myself to that again, or any longer - so as soon as I left, I got a job elsewhere and moved out.
Some years later, I was left by my fiancé and Mum suggested I could move back home for a while - apart from the ridiculousness of leaving my own home empty for him to bring the OW over any time he felt like it, I just couldn't bear to go back there. Couldn't do it.

I would have been mad as fire if Mum had done any of that while I was still living at home - incandescent if she'd done it after I left!

OddSocksHighHeels Sat 14-Nov-15 02:21:21

My mum is similar. I remember having my condoms artfully arranged in my drawer for me at 17/18 just so I'd know she had seen them. It's weird.

YANBU at all, you're an adult and deserve your privacy.

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