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What do I do ?

(43 Posts)
woollyandtig Fri 13-Nov-15 21:55:55

Long long back story but basically it's my birthday today dp has abandoned me to go to pub with his friend (lied about it of course) this is less than week after me finding out about his 3 year affair. He has never put me first and never will. He is horrible to me constantly putting me down , shouting and isolating me from everyone.

I need to get away from him, I can't live in this flat any longer ge won't leave and his best friend is the landlord . What are my options I have no money available for rent/ deposit on somewhere else, I have no friends , and no contact with any my family .
I have 2 kids and expecting dc 3 in a few months. If it was just me I would be out this place in a shot but I need somewhere for the kids. I have tried searching google etc for local help but not having much luck , as far as I can tell local council would consider me to have made myself intentionally homeless and have no obligation to help, is this correct ?
Sorry if this seems dense I just can't find a solution. I feel completely trapped , I have no one to talk too about this , no birthday wishes today , not one card or gift (not that it matters) but this is how much I mean to anyone. (My beautiful dd did make me a paper airplane which is perfect she is amazing ).

Sorry if this seems like sympathy seeking thread it really isn't intened as such I really just need help to leave.

MsJamieFraser Fri 13-Nov-15 21:59:34

I'm not going to tell you what you have to do, for you to decide what you want from thisnraltuonahip, you need to know what YOU want to do.

Personally this would not be a relationship I would stay in.

MsJamieFraser Fri 13-Nov-15 22:00:48

*This relationship

OfcourseItsnotTerrysitsmine Fri 13-Nov-15 22:02:57

Aw woolly. Didn't want to read and run. Gosh you are going through it. What a complete shit your dp is. I am certain more wise MNetters will be along with advice shortly but flowers for you. You really do need to LTB. You will get through this. And a big birthday wish too.

woollyandtig Fri 13-Nov-15 22:03:54

Sorry I think iv made this more confusing than intended I am 100% finished with this relationship that's no what I mean I mean what do I do about leaving this flat . Is there any help I don't know off or am I stuck here until I can afford to move.

coffeeisnectar Fri 13-Nov-15 22:04:11

Happy birthday.

Go and speak to the council. You are living in a place in a relationship it's impossible to stay in and you need to leave.

You will likely be placed in temporary accommodation with the dc but they will either house you or be able to help with finding a private let.

You are very vulnerable and I'd try calling shelter.

MillionToOneChances Fri 13-Nov-15 22:06:32

Happy Birthday! I would start with the Citizen's Advice Bureau, but Shelter would also be a good bet.

Cornwalldoula Fri 13-Nov-15 22:06:36

Routes for help - he's verbally abusive and you're in vulnerable position. Arrange a double appointment with your midwife - she should be trained in helping those in domestic abuse. Or Women's Aid. Or Citizens Advice. Good luck.

Cornwalldoula Fri 13-Nov-15 22:07:46

And make this a happy birthday - the day you decided to take your life back smile

woollyandtig Fri 13-Nov-15 22:08:21

Thanks OfcourseItsnotTerrysitsmine . I worry so much about affect this will have on the kids , eldest dc has asd and she hates "change" but this is one I need to make. I just hope it can be done quickly I'm just waiting on him stumbling in drunk and shouting at me for ruining his night with my 1 text. I feel so stupid for doing this for so long. I was 16 when we met (10 years ago) and he has been my first proper relationship. I had nothing to compare it too.

He has made sure I have no one to turn too irl . I'm just so glad there's Internet hear for advice.

woollyandtig Fri 13-Nov-15 22:10:41

Thank you I will phone first thing on Monday. I know it probably varies massively but am I likely to be rehoused in this area ? Dd has struggled a lot with school and she is finally in one and settled . I would hate to have to move her I really don't think she would cope with that.

MsVestibule Fri 13-Nov-15 22:11:33

I think you should ask for this to be moved to Relationships - if you want to, just click 'Report' on your OP and ask for it to be moved.

Have you tried phoning Women's Aid? I know it's a charity for women escaping domestic violence, but perhaps they could point you in the right direction.

You're in a horrendous situation, but you WILL, eventually, get away from him.

Geekmama Fri 13-Nov-15 22:11:52

Happy birthday flowers I don't know much about this i'm afraid Maybe an organisation like this can help www.refuge.org.uk/get-help-now/. I really hope you get out of there soon. Big hugs xxx

woollyandtig Fri 13-Nov-15 22:12:01

MillionToOneChances thank you . I will try shelter ,was just on their website and there is lots of great advice.

Boredofthinkingofnewnames Fri 13-Nov-15 22:13:57

Try womens aid. Sorry you're in such a shit situation .

Cornwalldoula Fri 13-Nov-15 22:14:07

Verbal abuse, shouting and isolating IS domestic violence. Honestly - talk to your midwife or a supervisor of midwives - they can explain to the council as a professional that you're in a vulnerable position and may get things moving quicker...

woollyandtig Fri 13-Nov-15 22:18:30

Cornwalldoula thank you I fully intend this to be last birthday anywhere near him.
I never even thought of midwife , I must admit I'm terrified of letting midwife know , or going to womans aid incase the think I'm not a competent mother . Dh has always threatens me with this , "I'm such a useless mother the kids will end up in care"
I'm really not I adore my children they are my world and the only reason I gave stayed with him is for their sake but finally I have realised that this is not good for them at all , alough they don't know /witness arguments the must pick up on the way he talks and acts towards me. I feel so guilty for exposing them to this I dont want them thinking this is ok.

imwithspud Fri 13-Nov-15 22:18:39

Speak to your midwife, they should be able to help. There's also citizens advice. Your local council is worth a shot but you need to explain the situation fully. They can't leave a pregnant woman with children homeless, they have to do something. Women's Aid might possibly be able to help too.

Good luck, it's obvious you don't want to be in this situation any longer, getting out of it is the hard part.

Happy Birthdaythanks

RandomMess Fri 13-Nov-15 22:18:57

Please get in touch with Womens Aid and please tell your midwife

flowers

imwithspud Fri 13-Nov-15 22:19:56

It's scary but they won't think you're an incompetent parent at all, you're very vulnerable at the moment and they will want to help you and your children.

woollyandtig Fri 13-Nov-15 22:23:51

imwithspud I know deep down it needs to be done , I'm just terrified of this whole thing . I have no idea what I'm going to do when baby arrives . Dh won't look after kids if I leave and I have no one else at all. Youngest dc is also still breastfeeding so not likely to go to anyone else.
I just wish I could flick a switch and this would all be over . I know in few months time this will be worth it but right now it seems an impossible struggle.

Cornwalldoula Fri 13-Nov-15 22:25:57

Midwives are trained to look out for, support and help women who are being abused, there may even be a specialist midwife in your trust. They will want to use their position to put pressure on the council to rehouse you, and ensure the safety of you & your children.

Cornwalldoula Fri 13-Nov-15 22:30:01

They can also help to arrange possible very temporary care for your children whilst you're giving birth. In some areas mums can access home help... Your midwife can hopefully signpost

Sallyhasleftthebuilding Fri 13-Nov-15 22:30:12

You`ve not made yourself homeless, he has. Have you tried womans aid? Help and advise

clippityclop Fri 13-Nov-15 22:39:08

Just to send you very best wishes for a happy birthday. Good luck with everything. flowers

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