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To take one more than my share of housework/children's stuff?

(17 Posts)
JumpandScore Fri 13-Nov-15 17:12:09

I worked very PT for many years and especially once Dc started school, it seems natural that I'd do most of the housework/children's activities/homework. I had the time, was there when DC came home and it left our weekends free to do things that were more fun.

I'm now working FT in a job I'm really enjoying but as everything is new to me, I'm finding quite demanding. I come home exhausted everyday.

My job is very close to home. DH has a 1.5 hour commute each way. So, the routine in our house is DH up and out 6pm, 6:30 I get up, get DCs ready for school (they're secondary age, they get themselves ready really, but I'm there supervising, reminding and trying to make sure they get a decent breakfast/catch the bus). Then I run around doing bits of housework before leaving at 8:30. I'm home at about 5pm in time to supervise homework, run DC to clubs, more housework/laundry, do the food shop etc and do dinner. DH home about 6:30, after which time we share chores 50/50.

However, it has just occurred to me that I've done my bit by the time DH gets home. While I've been running around after everyone, he's had 3 hours sat on the train with his Kindle. Not quite free time, but not chores!

So WIBU to put my feet up after dinner? FWIW he wouldn't have a problem with it, but I (might) feel guilty.

Grumpyoldblonde Fri 13-Nov-15 17:29:16

No, of course not, your kids are old enough to be mucking in, you do enough and your guilt is your issue to deal with, I do mean that kindly. You work and pull your weight at home, so should the rest of the family.

TurnOffTheTv Fri 13-Nov-15 17:30:54

What are the children doing?

BackforGood Fri 13-Nov-15 17:36:09

YANBU to put your feet up.
YABU to count commuting time as 'leisure time'.

If your dc are secondary age though, what are they doing? Why are you and dh the only ones chipping in to the jobs that need doing?

JumpandScore Fri 13-Nov-15 17:37:50

Oh, I should have seen that coming. The children have a full complement of chores too.

rookiemere Fri 13-Nov-15 17:43:02

What chores are you talking about and how long do you both do those chores after 6.30pm when he gets back?

JumpandScore Fri 13-Nov-15 17:57:06

Clearing up from dinner, paperwork, laundry/ironing, HW jobs that can't be fitted into my snatched minutes in the morning, helping DC with HW as necessary, taking them to Cadets etc. Nothing too strenuous but there isn't really an "end" to it.

BackforGood, I specifically said commuting wasn't leisure time. It is however, time to yourself with a book while (in DH's case) your DW is holding all together at home.

AlwaysHope1 Fri 13-Nov-15 18:00:05

Your point doesn't hold, your dh has no choice whatsoever about his commute. What do you expect him to do so that you feel 'even'?

TurnOffTheTv Fri 13-Nov-15 18:01:18

Have you got a cleaner?

JumpandScore Fri 13-Nov-15 18:03:16

I'm not worried about feeling even, but if I was, then he would need to work considerable later than me to have done his 50%. No idea if that's right or fair, but I do know I've seen lots of thread about how SAHM shouldn't be expected to do it all, just because DH Is out of the house until late.

As it happens, DH finds my position much more reasonable than you do! He completely accepts that I've often done what feels like a days work while he's happily sitting on the train with his Kindle and he does see it as time to himself.

redskybynight Fri 13-Nov-15 18:22:01

Have to admit I'm also wondering why you have so much to do that even with all your running round there is still much left to do after 6.30pm. I have one secondary child and one upper primary. Other than the taking to clubs (not every day), and cooking an evening meal, there are only odd bits and pieces to do of an afternoon/evening. It's not like with toddlers or even infants where you have to organise baths, sit over them while they do homework, sort out the stuff they need for school etc.

PenelopeChipShop Fri 13-Nov-15 19:07:18

Yanbu and I don't think is unreasonable to count the train as me time either, I LOVE my morning commute but then I'm pregnant with a preschooler...

It will take time to adjust as you've been doing everything for so long but Now you're both f/t it absolutely should be more even. You're right that it will he your guilt that gets in the way. Don't listen to the voice in your head that says you shouldn't sit down - that way lies total burnout!

SevenSeconds Fri 13-Nov-15 19:11:34

I don't think commuting should count as his free time, sorry.

Shutthatdoor Fri 13-Nov-15 19:15:41

As someone who commuted that distance for years I agree with others that I don't see it as free time.

AmberFool Fri 13-Nov-15 19:17:44

Jump I recently went from being very part-time to full time. It's a shock to the system, isn't it? I've been doing it since September and even now I struggle with the home routines.

I agree with you that you should put your feet up after dinner. smile But if you feel guilty, maybe do one or two light chores, nothing major.

Krampus Fri 13-Nov-15 19:20:48

Maybe spread some of the jobs around a bit. One evening one of you can make up a weekly menu, the other can do an online order. Sometime on Sunday you can all chip in and blitz the house for an hour. That way during the week it's cooking, keeping on top of the daily kitchen mess and everyone picking up after themselves.

I've done online food shopping when commuting by train before. Dp and me have a system where we have a Tesco basket started and we both add to it as we run out of things, or decide we need something. We then put in the things for the weekly meals before checking out.

Artandco Fri 13-Nov-15 19:24:24

I think he should do some then.

However how much stuff can actually need to be done if there's 4 of you all over the age of being able to do stuff yourselves?

I have two younger children, who still need help with baths/ bed and all that, dh and I both work full time. However I can't say we do hardly any chores when we get home at 6.30pm as there's not that much to do. Once the children can help more but throwing in a load of washing and running Hoover around there will be even less

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