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To give my DC my surname?

(413 Posts)
GummyBunting Fri 13-Nov-15 16:00:30

This is a hypothetical situation really, but my OH and I have decided to TTC in the new year. Whilst chatting about the specifics, I said that as we are unmarried, I would want the baby to have my surname.
He was not happy. He wasn't overly mad or angry or upset (he's not the type) but I could tell it really took him aback. Is it a really weird request? And AIBU to actually dislike the assumption that babies will automatically get their father's name?

To avoid a drip feed:
- I've always said I'd prefer to be married before having a baby. It probably isn't going to pan out that way now which isn't the end of the world, but I've always been honest about my preference.
- We do intend to marry at some point.
- I have a double barrelled surname. Please don't suggest I triple barrel, poor child.

Did anyone give their child their own surname? How did it go? Did the Dad mind?

YellowCookieCutter Fri 13-Nov-15 16:03:37

If you want to give your child your surname then do it. Plenty of people I know have, they say it makes travelling easier.

TheCrimsonPleb Fri 13-Nov-15 16:05:47

I don't wish to add to your troubles (for want of a better word) but a third way is to give the children a totally different surname to both of you.

There are quite a few famous examples of this having gone on over the years and I have friends who have done this with their children. However, it is a bit out there for most people's taste and might totally tip your OH over the edge!

whatdoIget Fri 13-Nov-15 16:05:57

I wish I had. We're not together now and ds has a different surname to mine. It doesn't bother me too much but I would prefer him to have my name.

Binkybix Fri 13-Nov-15 16:06:57

Will you change your name when you get married?

Wineandrosesagain Fri 13-Nov-15 16:07:00

Do it. As YellowCookieCutter says, it makes travelling with DCs much easier. Question: if you are TTC in the new year, what's stopping you from getting married before you have a baby? And if you were to get married, would you and baby take your DH's surname?

goodnightdarthvader1 Fri 13-Nov-15 16:07:05

I kept my name when DH and I married. Kids will have his name. I think it's easier for men if they share the kids name, less suspicion in today's modern world.

Djelibeyb Fri 13-Nov-15 16:07:45

The question is if you marry would you take his name? If so then would you be messing with the kids name later? In my experience anyone intending to get married has the the kids the name which will be their married name.

R0nJ0n Fri 13-Nov-15 16:07:59

DD has my surname. DH doesn't much like his surname, it's a bit long and has a kind of mushy sound to it, mine is much shorter (three letters) and sounds better with DDs name. The only person who's ever been hmm about it is FIL, but not so much it's caused an issue.

SoupDragon Fri 13-Nov-15 16:08:51

Remember that the father's surname is just as important as the mother's.

Wanting to give them your surname is not odd at all but it is something you need to come to an agreement about with the baby's father. Yours, his, a combination of the two, something different... It doesn't matter provided you both agree.

AliceInHinterland Fri 13-Nov-15 16:08:55

No YANBU - surely the dad can only mind an equal amount to you about the baby having a different name. It will invite some comments but more curious than negative I would imagine.

SheenaWasAPunkRocker Fri 13-Nov-15 16:09:18

My dd has my surname. No way were dc going to automatically get the man's name, so we went for boy gets his, girl gets mine. If we did ever marry I wouldn't change my name anyway. I say do it. I have heard a lot of people talk about doing it, but it seems few actually do & traditions won't change unless we change 'em smile

SoupDragon Fri 13-Nov-15 16:10:28

it makes travelling with DCs much easier.

Only for the mother, surely?

NoArmaniNoPunani Fri 13-Nov-15 16:11:27

I'm married, kept my name and will be double barrelling the baby's name. Could you perhaps choose one part of your name and double barrel with your DP?

StrawberryTeaLeaf Fri 13-Nov-15 16:12:35


Thurlow Fri 13-Nov-15 16:13:32

It depends on whether you'd take his name if and when you do marry.

Otherwise... if not, then it's a 50/50 debate, like Alice says. It will be both of your child, so you both get a say in a surname.

Most people I know in this situation have either a two name surname/one surname as a middle name, or have made a double barrelled surname.

Could you make a surname with his and one of your surnames?

NeedAScarfForMyGiraffe Fri 13-Nov-15 16:14:15

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Thurlow Fri 13-Nov-15 16:14:33

Oh, I meant YANBU to assume the baby should get the dad's surname.

But YWBU to assume that because you are either not married or haven't changed your name, the baby would automatically then have your surname.

SpendSpendSpend Fri 13-Nov-15 16:14:35

Before i discovered mumsnet i was unmarried and childless.

I believed children should always have the fathers surname. I think its because its just generally the done thing and i knew no different.

Since coming on here, my opinion has totally changed!!! I now believe the children should have their mothers surname.

When i had my only child whos now 3, i was married and had taken dhs surname. Which i now regret and wish i had double barrelled it with my maiden name and done the same with dds.

If dh and i was to split then i would not revert back to my maiden name as i dont want a different surname to my dd.

StrawberryTeaLeaf Fri 13-Nov-15 16:16:23

Oh, I meant YANBU to assume the baby should get the dad's surname.

Seriously Thurlow? Why?

Cynara Fri 13-Nov-15 16:17:31

Just wanted to agree with Crimson about the new surname idea. It's worked well for us because we have no intention of marrying (feminist principles) so I appreciate that your situation is different in that respect. DP and I have different surnames, both of which begin with the same letter. We use those names professionally but have changed our names to a new surname that also begins with the same letter. We use that name for all non work purposes. DS has that surname. It's been great, no-one feels compromised and it seems very equal.

Thurlow Fri 13-Nov-15 16:17:57

Crap it, that wasn't what I meant blush I meant YANBU to not assume the baby should get the dad's name!

really should proofread

BobblyQuim Fri 13-Nov-15 16:19:58

I think mothers surname is best. That way if you end up a single mum you don't get people assuming your ex's name is your name and have a lifetime of people thinking you are Mrs Ex's Surname just because of your child's name. And your child isn't stuck with the surname of a man who vanishes into the sunset (if you get really unlucky I mean!).

Might be a glass half empty way to look at things but hey ho.

Floisme Fri 13-Nov-15 16:20:01

My son has my name plus my husband's (we weren't married at the time) surname as a middle name.

Lozza1990 Fri 13-Nov-15 16:21:03

I gave my son my OH surname, here's why.

1. It's no biggie for me, I don't feel strongly about it either way
2. We may well marry someday and I would then take on his surname

Basically I think it all comes down to whether or not YOU would take on his surname. If you don't want to, that's fine and there's nothing wrong with wanting your kid to have your name. If however, you WOULD take his surname then it would be unecessary for you to change the child's name again so I don't see why you wouldn't give your child his name unless you think you guys might not stay together, which is probably why he was a bit taken aback. Or he just feels very strongly about his name, either way explain yourself a bit more and I think he will be fine.

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