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to not know how to deal with my husband making more bigoted and small minded comments as he gets older

(46 Posts)
Translator1000 Fri 13-Nov-15 06:57:28

He honestly often sounds like a cross between Alf Garnett and Victor Meldrew angrysad.

The clangers last night were:

the "Europeans" are clogging up the NHS sitting there waiting for treatment when they aren't ill

and

he is glad that our daughter is not at an orthodoncy practice in a particular area of London (I chose the other one offered to us as it is more convenient to get to) as he does not want [insert people of a particular faith] to be fiddling with her mouth shockangry

Other favourites are

- he had to work several jobs to get a house so people should do it now if they want to get on the housing ladder angry

- the people running the anti knock our library down (to build expensive flats - a new library has been built but the land does not belong to the council, we lost a bookshop and a car park as well as a little public square) campaigns are "fish wives" who spout things that are not true

- it is not true that places like Germany have more asylum seekers than the UK because they come here for the benefits

and so on angry.

I counter and argue with every single one of his clangers and tell him he is prejuiced etc.. (incidentally he himself is part of an immigrant family and he came to England as a child).

I sometimes get a bit worried he might be developing dementia as he does seem to forget a lot (or maybe he doesn't listen in the first place) and they say that people with dementia become more and more tactless confused.

He does have a warm and kind side. He seems bitter. I wish he didn't say bigoted and small minded things sad.

HackerFucker22 Fri 13-Nov-15 07:00:16

How old is he?

Has he got progressively worse with his opinions and comments ?

annandale Fri 13-Nov-15 07:03:19

Ooh I would find that hard.

Would he react better if you responded by agreeing with him and then taking what he said to crazy extremes... like 'yes I absolutely agree, those Europeans are taking their holidays in our hospitals now, they advertise a two week break in A&E, all inclusive!'

[Incidentally if it weren't for the Europeans we wouldn't even HAVE a hospital where i live, we seem to have nicked all the nurses in Europe]

Translator1000 Fri 13-Nov-15 07:04:10

He is 59. I'd say that yes he has got progressively worse though maybe he is just more obvious.

I am 13 years younger which is not that much really but I sometimes feel that I am living on a different planet to him. My life so far has been easier than his but still...

cailindana Fri 13-Nov-15 07:13:34

All the older men I know have become more bigoted while the older women have become more relaxed and funny. Even though things are definitely skewed in favour of men, I think they lose out in the long run. Many men struggle, I think, with becoming less important and more marginalised as they get older. It makes them angry. Women, on the other hand, start to feel freer due to less pressure to look good, less sexual threat, more family connections and letting go of a lot of the bullshit around being a younger woman.

That said, an increasingly intolerant viewpoint is a sign of dementia so do be vigilant on that score. In the meantime ignore the bigotry, you don't have to engage.

Longtalljosie Fri 13-Nov-15 07:35:47

I don't want to worry you but I wouldn't rule out dementia - he's only 59! That's only just edging out of middle age really...

Floisme Fri 13-Nov-15 07:38:33

I'm 59. I'm struggling a little with a thread that complains about bigotry then goes on to stereotype older people. Or mabye it's just my age.

You do get forgetful but, unless he's saying these things in highly inappropriate situations, it doesn't sound like early dementia (although I stress I'm no expert).

It is a strange age. You realise you're running out of time. People start ignoring you. It affects people in different ways. But let's take his age out of the equation for the moment. What would you be saying to him if he were younger?

sandgrown Fri 13-Nov-15 07:46:52

I do know a number of men of a "certain age " who behave like this . My DP is the same. I used to challenge his views but now I just ignore it. It could be a perceived loss of status.

LumpySpacedPrincess Fri 13-Nov-15 07:46:54

Most of the press support his opinions so it is easier for people to say these things. sad

If you are concerned he has dementia, seek medical help. If he doesn't then you need to have a good think about whether this is the man you want to spend the rest of your life with.

Translator1000 Fri 13-Nov-15 08:11:21

Sorry Floisme I didn't mean to stereotype but I do find that dh has changed with age. In the same way that people naturally tend to become a little more "conservative" as they get older I suppose. Another generalisation I know. He didn't say any of the above things when I met him when he was 39 (but maybe he always had those tendencies and I didn't realise). I think he is bitter about his life and how it has panned out (so far) as well as having some health problems that rob him of energy.

I have other reasons to be worried about dementia - he sometimes gets this thing where he will be on a particular street that he knows, and he won't recognise where he is for a bit.

Translator1000 Fri 13-Nov-15 08:14:24

I would be countering every one of his bigoted statements if he were younger as well.

Must stress that I am not perfect but I do find the bitter intolerant atmosphere dh creates with some of his statements oppressive.

Translator1000 Fri 13-Nov-15 08:21:39

I think he finds the loss of power in society hard as well. He often says he used to do x y and z work wise but that he is too old for those jobs now and they are a younger person's game sad.

magimedi Fri 13-Nov-15 08:21:54

DH is nearly 70 & is not bigoted, but certainly more grumpy.

I hate to say but the inability to recognise a familiar street would be ringing alarm bells for me.

museumum Fri 13-Nov-15 08:27:09

Definitely could be dementia but not necessarily Alzheimer's. My uncle had vascular dementia at 62. Please do see if you can get him to see the GP.
Vascular dementia can be related to heart disease, does he have any heart disease risk factors? (Although my uncle didn't and was fit sad )

Anotherusername1 Fri 13-Nov-15 08:31:11

I think people do generally become more intolerant as they get older (too much reading the Daily Heil or in my father's case the Daily Express) but I agree that forgetting where he is might be a reason to visit a doctor. That said, dementia can't be cured, but there might be more that can be done if it's caught early.

I see that you are 13 years younger than he is. How well do you get on?

My parents didn't get on and divorced when I was in my mid 20s. My father is 16 years older than my mother, and has Parkinsons (diagnosed after they divorced, I don't think he had any symptoms while they were still married) This sounds harsh, but she is relieved that she didn't stay with him to end up being his nursemaid.

CuttedUpPear Fri 13-Nov-15 08:34:44

callindana I love your summation and hope that's the future for me, as an ageing woman.

GloGirl Fri 13-Nov-15 08:37:40

Make an appointment with your GP and talk about your husband.

TheDowagerCuntess Fri 13-Nov-15 08:42:41

cailin - I'm intrigued by your theory, and suspect it is bang on.

Figmentofmyimagination Fri 13-Nov-15 08:59:41

"Dementia" is an umbrella term covering several different conditions. My mum had vascular dementia - from around 70. She recently died aged 82. Her gp was very clear in the early stages that the medication she was prescribed (had she actually taken it instead of hoarding it in different spaces around the house!) could arrest the development of the disease (maybe not completely but significantly) and maybe even reverse some of the deterioration. Altzheimers is different. Unfortunately trunculence and irrational bloodymindedness is another symptom of the disease, and without measures such as regular visits from a community nurse to give medication, the position can be impossible. Ironically these sufferers become eligible for community nursing visits for medication just at the point where - having failed to take their meds - the situation has become hopeless. Just one of the many stupid cruelties of this disease.

sharonthewaspandthewineywall Fri 13-Nov-15 09:11:42

Its awful to say but my Dad is getting like this too. Same age. He used to be uber tolerant and teach us to be. He reads the daily mail so this is what im blaming!

DeoGratias Fri 13-Nov-15 09:17:46

So he's an immigrant? What country?

Justaboy Fri 13-Nov-15 09:21:50

Sod all that! I'm 64 and doing more, working more, more interesting things are going on don't read the mail sun mirror the comic that's known as the express, don't believe all i hear on the wireless either;!.

I'm supposed to retire next year but sod that! too much happening and going on with the job thanks. As to the younger ones, sure I get them to do stuff that's a bit easier for them to do but they need educating and telling what to do.

As to the OP, yep know of a few Alf Garnett's too;!

Only regret I've got at the moment is having to give up rock climbing after a fall that almost killed me, so perhaps living on borrowed time changes your outlook!

ohtheholidays Fri 13-Nov-15 09:24:09

OP I would go and speak to your familys Doctor and sooner rather than later.

Younger people are sadly being diagnosed with dementia more often now than any time before.

I suffered a very rare form of brain damage several years ago and at the time I was over 40 years younger than any one else that had been diagnosed with the condition.Sadly since then there has been a quick rise in other younger people that have been found to have the same condition.Some of them were only they're 20's and I was in my 30's when it happened to me.

Mine was caused by ongoing long term health problems and past traumatic experiences that had happened to me.My consultants have told us how lucky I've been to have lived through it.

I obviously don't want to scare you but I know from experience it's better to be safe than sorry when it comes to anything to do with the brain.

insan1tyscartching Fri 13-Nov-15 09:25:34

Dh is 56 and spouts rubbish in a similar vein. I either tell him to stop being a twat or advise him to see his GP as I'm worried he's developing Alzheimers. Either approach shuts him up at the time but don't stop him repeating them later.

srslylikeomg Fri 13-Nov-15 09:26:27

I do so agree cailindana that has been my observation and experience.

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