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to feel left out and hurt even if I sound about ten years old?

(55 Posts)
winkywinkola Wed 11-Nov-15 23:34:08

I feel a bit shite really.

I have made some good friends at the school gate. At least I thought I had.

I walk three mornings a week with three other mums. We've socialised together and met up in the holidays with the dcs.

Last half term I found out they had all three met up and gone to LegoLand together with their dcs. Not a whisper of it to me. Two of them quite breezily mentioned it separately on our walks once this half term had started. I didn't say anything but I was hurt that I hadn't been part of it.

Another friend had a birthday lunch gathering very recently. It was one of those short cooking courses. Great fun. Apparently. I can't think why I wasn't invited. We see each other every week because our dcs do the same activity. And meet up some weekends especially when her dh is away with work.

I just saw her FB update at this cooking event. She said she'd just done with her mum and dad and one friend but in reality it was with six of her friends.

I feel a total twit for thinking these people really were friends of mine. And then I think I should just be shrugging it off but I've had them all round at mine for Bonfire Night, dinner, general socialising etc.

If I ask why then I will just get fudgy excuses won't I so zero point in asking.

Bubblychocolate Wed 11-Nov-15 23:42:48

I don't have any advice, just wanted to sympathise.

No matter what our age it's not nice when you feel you've been left out. Especially when you make an effort to be friendly, a good host, etc. Ive been in that position and I know I spent ages dwelling on it and looking back and over analysing, when in reality I hadn't done anything wrong.

Please don't get yourself too down over it (easier said than done I know) flowers

winkywinkola Wed 11-Nov-15 23:48:29

Should I ask them why I wasn't invited? Or is that really childish?

KatieLatie Wed 11-Nov-15 23:51:03

It can be difficult to include everyone in everything? Don't take it personally?

DS is in Year 1 and the other mums are great. I do a lot of social stuff with various mums: play dates with the kids, coffees without the kids, various mum birthday outings etc. It is all very friendly and relaxed. Nothing inclusive (you can't invite everyone to everything) and no "exclusive" friendships (can't expect to be invited to everything either). Just go with the flow and see what develops. Like any relationship, you can encourage it but not force it.

MilkTwoSugarsThanks Wed 11-Nov-15 23:52:05

Do you think you'd get an honest answer if you did ask?

And would you want an honest answer anyway?

I'm not sure it would achieve much.

AshleyWilkes Wed 11-Nov-15 23:53:12

NU. I would feel the same. Why do people act like this? Unless they're really dense then it would occur to them to at least ask you wouldn't it?

How close do you consider yourself to be to these women? I have a close set of pals and if that happened with us I wouldn't think twice about calling them and asking what the hell I've done to upset them?

Sorry for your confusion, some people are totally thoughtless, sadly.

Maki79 Wed 11-Nov-15 23:53:27

You have my sympathies too!

Have they known each other longer??

I wouldn't ask them why you weren't invited but instead greedily say 'oh that sounds really fun, I'd love to come along next time!'

Maki79 Wed 11-Nov-15 23:54:17

Bloomin' phone! Breezily, not greedily!!

Walkacrossthesand Wed 11-Nov-15 23:54:29

No, because they've made their position clear by their actions - words are just words and you'll get fudgy excuses like you said. But I wouldnt be inviting them to my house for anything any time soon.

thickgit Wed 11-Nov-15 23:54:27

I wouldn't. Try, if you can, to rise above it. Seriously, if they are like this, they're not worth the effort. This kind of thing happens. If it's not to you, then it will be someone else. Don't take it personally, the issue is with them. These guys are not worth your time. You'll come across much nicer people, it's a guarantee. Chin up and remember that they're the ones with the problem.

Aeroflotgirl Thu 12-Nov-15 00:00:38

Yanbu, I woukd be really hurt, you are part of a group, and have been left out. Tbh I would distance myself, and don't invite them, just be friendly on a suoerficial level. They don't sound like they are really your friends. Do they invite you to anything? Or are you the one to do the inviting.

Aeroflotgirl Thu 12-Nov-15 00:03:48

How nasty of them to rub your face in it regarding Legoland, knowing you had not been invited. They are so not worth it, they have made themselves clear on where you stand with them. Be polite and move on.

Fatmomma99 Thu 12-Nov-15 00:11:04

OF COURSE you feel 10 years old. These hurts hurt. The bloody do. They hurt when we are 10 and they still hurt when we're 20, 30, 40.
flowers to you.

I can't tell you why they did it, but hope this is helpful:

Try not to take it to heart (easier said than done, I know).

You can not rush a friendship which grows out of a casual acquaintance. You just can't. It takes it's time. Be patient, and looking as though you are bothered or upset won't help.

Perhaps these people also know each other differently to the way you know them (i.e. maybe their DC have a shared hobby so they see each other extra to just the ways you see them), so they have connections you don't share (yet).

It really could just be a coincidence.

It's almost certainly unthinking, and not mean (it could turn out to be calculated and nasty, but you've got no evidence of that at this point, so don't treat it as deliberate).

Say things like "oooo, that sounds fun, we'd have loved to have done that" but without putting any pressure on.

Continue with the invitations you've issued - that's a good thing, and the more you do it, the more integrated you will be and the more likely they are to invite you next time.


Try and remind yourself of all you have OUTSIDE this group - other friends, family, relationships.

Sometimes friendships we want to happen grow and blossom, sometimes they don't. Try and move on if you can if it doesn't, and try and accept this for what it is.

Would it help for you to casually drop into the conversation some fun/sparkly things YOU'VE done? That they might say "ooo, we'd love THAT" to?

Here's a couple of stories:
For the past year and a half, I've been doing regular exercise classes at my local gym. I've got to know lots of people, in particular a regular group of 3 others. I'm now definitely "part" of their group. We chat. We've been out a couple of times, we get equipment out for each other, we hang around together. The three of them have each other's mobile numbers and call/text to say they are or aren't coming to a particular class. None of them has mine, and it's never been suggested we swap numbers, even though they miss me if I'm not there. I've said NOTHING. And won't. I'm biding my time. ONE DAY it will have been of benefit to one of them to have had my number, and at that point, we'll prob swap numbers. Until then, I'm not going to say a word. And I'm not going to be upset about it (they've known each other for over 5 years, and me for less than 2. It's not personal and they're not mean - I know they're all fond of me, and enjoy having me as part of "their" circle).

When DD was in reception, a new girl came to the school. DD LURVED her. She wanted to be her bff. Unfortunately, the girl had a bff already - the younger sister of her/the other gir's older sisters AND the mum's were friends too. You could not have got a more tightly knit group. To be clear, that's 3 friendships: The mums. The two older sisters and the two younger ones, and my DD wanted one of those younger ones to be her special friend.
I fucking stalked the mums on the playground. I always stood near them. I ear-wigged and joined in on their conversations. I was HELPFUL. I was perky. I laughed at their jokes. I said "oh, me too" a lot. I was always careful to invite BOTH the youngest ones round.
DD is almost 14 now. The one she stalked IS her special friend, but the other friend is part of the same (very close) group of 5, and their friendships are brilliant, and I'm (proper) friends with both the mums too. It IS possible to break into a clique.

I've outed myself enough already, and this is VERY long but my last story is I started a new job a couple of years ago (almost) and a VERY established member of staff was tasked to work with me on my very first project. She HATED the project (which was something I'd brought to the post from previous work) and HATED me, and spread the word. And not quite everyone, but LOTS of people listened to her and believed her. People I'd never met were rude, obstructive, unhelpful, nasty, etc. I was the person it's acceptable to hate. Things were made very, very difficult for me. (luckily, I just decided not to care and just got on with the job and reminded myself that work is work and friends are friends, and it didn't matter. But it hurt a lot that people WHO DIDN'T KNOW ME thought it was ok to hate/be rude/be nasty to me and not help when I needed it. I thought it was one thing if people knew me and didn't like me, but it was hard being judged by people who DIDN'T know me. Maybe in some ways it was easier, because I KNEW they didn't know me - some of the people who were mean had never spoken to me). Then, after a year being blanked, and new member of staff joined the team. And she (independently) came along to some of my exercise classes (see above!) and we bonded. Properly bonded, and very quickly made a proper friendship. She's very lovely, and people at work like her a lot. And she (not knowing the history, which I certainly hadn't mentioned) talked about me quite a lot at work, and about what fun I am and how much she likes me. There's also been a change in the management structure, and in several key areas, I have the most knowledge about stuff, so they now rely on me for several things.
OMG how things have changed... I'm now "courted" by almost everyone. People fall over themselves to help me. I am invited out on socials (and on small socials, that only a few people get invited to). My mum keeps saying "you SEE!!!!" very jubilantly whenever I tell her the latest. People creep to me! People tell each other about how they're close to me.
I'm just grin about the woman who spun against me in the first place, who I'm nice-but-distant to, and who keeps telling anyone who'll listen how much she likes me now!
The lesson is - things can change.

BTW, if this post makes me sound super-popular, super-sorted, I'm definitely not. I've got less friends than most people. Like, less than 20 on FB. I'm not a hugely popular woman. (except in this workplace, apparently!) (I keep thinking, once they get to know me, they'll discover bitch-woman was right all along, but I'm enjoying their not knowing. The change is nice!)

Good luck, OP!

Fatmomma99 Thu 12-Nov-15 00:13:08

oppps. Sorry for length of previous.

Here's a shorter one: Join the PTA and volunteer. You'll meet LOADS of people, people will "need" to talk to you, and you'll have a role at all school events.

winkywinkola Thu 12-Nov-15 00:15:46

I've known the birthday lunch girl about seven years. We've had ups and downs. I've pulled her up I taking the piss childcare wise a few times but that was years ago.

The others about four years.

Not new friendships.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost Thu 12-Nov-15 01:39:56

You don't sound about 10 years old at all. None of us like to be excluded regardless of whether we're 10 or 110

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost Thu 12-Nov-15 01:41:09

Excellent Post Mama

winkywinkola Thu 12-Nov-15 12:55:49

Thank you for all your posts on this.

The birthday lunch friend I've known for a good few years now. We are supposed to be solid, good friends. She clearly didn't want to tell me who exactly was at the lunch when we just chatted about her birthday the day after the event. So she must have been a bit embarrassed but not embarrassed enough to avoid posting a pic on FB! I will ask her about it and see what she says. Because that was quite rude and a snub, I felt.

The others, I've known for less time. I wonder if it's because one of the mums was still a bit raw about some exam our sons had taken. Her ds didn't do so well and perhaps she just didn't want to be around people whose dcs had done okay.

I'll leave that one, I think.

And I should stop over thinking it, perhaps!

Aeroflotgirl Thu 12-Nov-15 13:11:07

Personally I would just be polite and distance yourself, they have treated you very poorly for a supposidly good, long standing friend. Actions speak louder than words.

clotheswoes Thu 12-Nov-15 13:21:57

Things like this always happen to me so I end up distancing myself and moving on. It's shit, and thoughtless of them. Hope you are ok, OP

Meemolly Thu 12-Nov-15 13:37:14

OP it is painful when this happens, it happens to me a lot. I realise it has massively affected my ability to trust anyone in new potential friendship situations as I always look out for reasons that they will just decide I'm not good enough and move on. I am generally the one that others moan about their real friends too and then when they are done moaning they carry on with their real friends and I am left alone, once again, wishing I hadn't opened up about x,y and z to them as I thought we had a reciprocal friendship. Lots of supportive hugs for you and the only advice I can give is chin up and just be breezy and push on through, these don't sound like good friends but hopefully you will find some who are.

scarlets Thu 12-Nov-15 15:50:00

I feel differently to most of the pps. I'd speak privately to the woman I was closest to. I wouldn't make a big deal of it but I'd express my disappointment. If they have a gripe with you, you can either put things right (if it's a fair complaint) or ditch them with relief at a lucky escape (if it isn't).

Honestly. Why are these grown women acting like junior school kids? Awful.

laffymeal Thu 12-Nov-15 16:04:20

I think I agree with scarlets and that you should just ask the one you've known the longest why she didn't invite you to the birthday lunch when all the others were, because it does sound like a deliberate snub, and if you are being snubbed purposely then you can make an informed decision about whether you really want to continue the friendship.

It's difficult to tell without really knowing the friendship dynamic, perhaps you're not as close as you believe. Maybe they think of you as a peripheral group member even though you think differently.

It never stops being hurtful though when you realise you're not as important to someone as they are to you, regardless of your age or the nature of the relationship, it just sucks.

Tanaqui Thu 12-Nov-15 18:40:24

In light of your latest post, could the legoland trip been to have cheered up the children who had done less well in the exam? And therefore having your ds there would have been hard for their children? Especially if your ds is not yet of an age to be truly tactful-(and that is not a criticism of him, it is a skill that takes time to learn)

Fatmomma99 Fri 13-Nov-15 00:04:12

I understand where you're coming from, scarlets, but NO ONE "has" or "should" be invited. And if a host has chosen not to invite you, it's rude to expect it. The MN word is "entitled"!

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