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Friendship group politics - is this a bit rude?

(34 Posts)
Plateofcrumbs Wed 11-Nov-15 17:51:20

Keeping details a bit vague to avoid outing myself...

I met a group of women - six of us - a couple of years ago through a shared interest, let's call it a running club. We set up a Facebook group, chatted regularly and frequently arranged meet-ups, both to go running and increasingly for social meet-ups. The group really bonded and we have supported each other through various ups and downs.

Often only a couple of people can meet but we've always invited everyone in the group.

However it's become apparent that one person is arranging meet ups with one or two others without telling the rest of us, then dropping references into our Facebook chats ('oh Moira, forgot to ask where you got those new trainers from?' type of thing).

AIBU to think this is a bit rude? Or should I just accept that friendship groups inevitably splinter up?

ditavonteesed Wed 11-Nov-15 17:57:36

I think its fine, I have a similar group of ffriends and we meet all together once a month, often onyl a couple fo us, often a couple fo the group go out to things seperatly as well.

celtictoast Wed 11-Nov-15 17:58:44

I think it's rude to discuss social meet-ups in front of people who weren't invited. But then I don't like Facebook anyway.

ginslinger Wed 11-Nov-15 18:00:44

I think it's very rude - but I don't do facebook either so have no idea what i'm talking about grin

ThroughThickAndThin01 Wed 11-Nov-15 18:00:45

I think I'd be ok with it. I try and let friends within my friendship groip have a relationship without always having to invite me. Sometimes it's easier to plan with smaller groups.

ThroughThickAndThin01 Wed 11-Nov-15 18:02:24

......when I say I try and let them, I just mean it doesn't upset or annoy me. Don't know what's going wrong with my written English at the moment...

Plateofcrumbs Wed 11-Nov-15 18:36:36

I think the reason it feels off is because the dynamic has always been to arrange meet ups via group chat, you've kind of got to go out of your way not to invite other people. So there's no other reason for it other than picking favourites.

ThroughThickAndThin01 Wed 11-Nov-15 18:38:59

Yes I can see what you are saying. I don't know what the answer is though apart from not letting it bother you.

Narp Wed 11-Nov-15 18:40:32

I think it's fine, but it's rude to talk about it at length in front of others. IMO

pictish Wed 11-Nov-15 18:42:32

This wouldn't trouble me. X can meet up with Y one week and Z the next if they're all agreeable.
It doesn't always have to be about whole-group dynamics.

laffymeal Wed 11-Nov-15 18:43:16

Sorry I have to disagree with you. This is a bit like those Wendy threads. If people want to meet up in ones and twos as opposed to the whole group then it's nobody else's business but theirs.

I don't do Facebook so maybe your point is that they're rubbing your nose in it that only a few were included, the flipside of that is that they feel they've nothing to hide and aren't sneaking around pretending they're NOT meeting up.

I don't get why adults are so arsey about this, you can't control a friendship group or dictate that someone should be slightly pallier with one person than another.

BuggerLumpsAnnoyed Wed 11-Nov-15 18:43:40

Hmm, I don't think it's rude, purely because 6 is a large number And sometimes it's just easier to do things one on one.

Also, you're bound to feel closer to a certain couple of people in a group of that size. And you don't really know if the people involved are having personal issues that requires additional support.

They could possibly be mentioning it to everyone so as to not look like they're sneaking about.

SwedishEdith Wed 11-Nov-15 18:43:50

It's the discussing it as part of the group chat that's a bit off. In any group of 6 people, some are going to feel closer to one or two and do stuff together. But they don't chat about that in the group chat. Or do they? confused

Epilepsyhelp Wed 11-Nov-15 18:46:25

I guess you have to accept you can't please all of the people all of the time. Friendships evolve and some of these are evolving into closer bonds than others. Could the 'left out' ones start hanging out separately sometimes? Then you would feel more balanced and not left out.

pictish Wed 11-Nov-15 18:49:01

No it's not. I have a local friendship group of 6 women and we often do things together, but if A and B chat about something they did together last week say, no one would bat an eyelid.

sonjadog Wed 11-Nov-15 18:57:26

I think it is normal that in a group of six some will be closer than others. And as long as it is the odd comment and not going on about an event other people haven't been at, I think that is fine. In fact, it is better than if they were sneaking behind other people's backs, not mentioning it to them like it was a terrible secret. I really don't see that they have done anything wrong.

AlpacaLypse Wed 11-Nov-15 18:57:25

I'd be a bit peeved too. Like you I'm involved in a small closed group of people with a similar hobby. Before now, I've met up with one or two of my friends from the group to do our hobby and specifically to have a really good gossip. And I've turned down an invite to meet up with one of the others at the same time with a vague excuse. It would be exceedingly rude to then bang on about it on FB, whether on my own timeline or the group's timeline.

I do meet up with all of them from time to time, and I'm well aware that sometimes some of them meet up without me, btw.

But the big monthly meet up is always all welcome and properly arranged in advance.

eddielizzard Wed 11-Nov-15 19:03:44

rude. simply good etiquette not to reference things that others weren't invited to in front of those others.

BonzoDooDah Wed 11-Nov-15 19:08:52

I had a similar situation in a group I was in. One person was trying to be Queen Bee and kept inviting everyone round on their own then dropping stealth boasts into the conversation about their meetings. It got really wearing. She ended up being really manipulative and trying to dictate who should see who else and when. Getting indignant if you met someone else outside the group without inviting her etc.
In the end I dropped her completely and didn't go to anything she organised, but kept in touch with my favourites from the others. Was a massive relief not to have to endure any more game playing.

Do you think this is the case here?
If not it could just be that some people get along better with one particular person so like meeting up with them. There are always side friendships in larger groups.

Hullygully Wed 11-Nov-15 19:19:33

Of course it's rude.

The group is for group stuff.

Other smaller meets should be kept aside.

JenniferYellowHat1980 Wed 11-Nov-15 19:23:07

I would find up to six people at every meet up wearing tbh. You personally might feel you get on with everyone like a house on fire, but individuals may find they have more in common with one another.

Buxtonbubbles Wed 11-Nov-15 19:40:02

It does seem rude.

I have experienced similar recently: am member of village interest group - actually a paid up club member. Saw recently on the club FB page a picture of 4 or 5 members at a location I would have liked to have gone to..but didn't know they were going. Assumed I had missed the post about it, posted saying nice pic etc. Then next day some more pics were posted and billed as "x club trip to y place" - it was then that I realised that the trip had involved overnight stay somewhere. It just really upset me that it was labelled as "club" trip but not all of club invited <apols for hijack>

AnnaMarlowe Wed 11-Nov-15 19:52:00

I'm in a long standing group of six. Three of us meet far more regularly than the main group. Of that three, two meet even more frequently.

We're adults. One of the smashing thing about being and adult is that you get to choose your friends.

We wouldn't be so rude as to discuss it in front of the others though.

HortonWho Wed 11-Nov-15 20:00:17

Sounds like a few people actually exchanged phone numbers and talk to each other outside "group chat".

pictish Wed 11-Nov-15 20:02:52

How very dare they?

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