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Is this unreasonable or in bad taste of me

(39 Posts)
Vodkasquirts Wed 11-Nov-15 17:37:38

Father-in-law has recently passed away and His funeral is the same time my husband /his son passed away 10 years ago.

Am I unreasonable to take the flowers I get for the service off me and my son also his grandson/dad at the end of the service and put on husband's / his son's headstone.

My mum says you cant do that but I am sure I have heard of people doing similar.

Thanks for reading

Perfectlypurple Wed 11-Nov-15 17:40:37

When my nan died we took some of the flowers to my uncles (her sons) grave. I think it is a lovely thing to do.

Lweji Wed 11-Nov-15 17:41:08

What normally happens to the flowers?
If you mean to save money, it would be somewhat crass, but if you mean it as a gesture, given the coincidence I'd think it was a nice one.

AlwaysHope1 Wed 11-Nov-15 17:41:21

I think it's fine op. Something like from dad to his son.

Arfarfanarf Wed 11-Nov-15 17:42:15

Is your mother in law still alive? If so, how do you think she'd view it?

It is one of those things that could be viewed as a nice remembrance or somewhat 'off' depending on the individual's pov and I don't think there can be a right or a wrong objectively, it comes down to personal feelings.

I would play it safe and take extra flowers, rather than reallocate the same flowers.

Wombatinabathhat Wed 11-Nov-15 17:42:32

Sorry for your losses Vodka thanks
I think it seems quite a thoughtful thing to do. My DH works for a funeral director and families quite often ask the flowers to be taken to care homes or laid somewhere else after the funeral service. There is a statue of a footballer who used to play for our local team, and every time I pass, it has funeral floral tributes at the base.

Lweji Wed 11-Nov-15 17:43:26

Or maybe take some of the flowers not the whole bunch?

noddingoff Wed 11-Nov-15 17:44:08

Probably best to discuss with your MIL, but I think it is a lovely thing to do.

Scarletforya Wed 11-Nov-15 17:45:12

The funeral directors will usually take them in the hearse and place them on a canvas over the grave until the grave diggers full in the grave.

You should probably mention it to your MIL, or whomever the chief mourners is, but it's a lovely idea.

OurBlanche Wed 11-Nov-15 17:45:42

We have done this a few times. From granddad to uncle's grave, Nana's back to granddads and so forth. And we don't even need the extra motivation of a coincidental date.

We just take flowers to the other person's grave and have a quick chat/remember and leave the flowers.

I hadn't thought about it being somehow wrong or crass. Maybe you could suggest it to wife/mum, invite her to do it with you.

Vodkasquirts Wed 11-Nov-15 17:46:36

Well to be honest

Yes to save money.......
but also struggling to decide on flowers we had lilly, white roses and blue thistle at husbands.
And as the flowers would have grandad on them with my name added on at the end.
I thought it would be a nice sentiment as well. Grandson Dad & Grandad.
And also Filaw ashes will be laid is a plot a stone throw's away from husband

Justmuddlingalong Wed 11-Nov-15 17:46:49

I've heard people putting flowers from their wedding on a loved ones grave, but not funeral flowers. Do you mean that the flowers you get for your fil's funeral won't be left on his grave, but put on your late husband's grave? If so, that doesn't quite sit right with me. Surely the flowers are for your fil.

OurBlanche Wed 11-Nov-15 17:50:24

Justmuddling we do it as in taking a message and memento from the newly deceased to someone closely related who died a while ago.

I took red roses from my Nana to my Granddad, told him how I missed him but was happy that he and she could be reunited, then gave him the roses to give to her with all our love.

I don't even believe in god, heaven or an afterlife... but it did me good to have that chat with him.

Lweji Wed 11-Nov-15 17:51:42

If he was cremated it would make more sense to take the flowers.
If he is buried, then I'd probably take two, arrangements, one being clearly meant for your DH, but sort of having a stop by.

CMOTDibbler Wed 11-Nov-15 17:54:07

If your FIL is being cremated, then it would be lovely to put his flowers on your husbands grave as otherwise they just get left at the crem and thrown away at the end of the day.

Vodkasquirts Wed 11-Nov-15 17:54:00

The flowers if memory serves me correctly sit outside the crematorium as there is no ash plot as of yet although it was purchased years ago.
So the flowers just get moved along everytime another cremation takes place - I think. ...

I thought it might be nice especially with the same flowers

Justmuddlingalong Wed 11-Nov-15 17:54:24

Sorry, I never knew it was a 'thing'. Did mean to upset anyone, I've only ever taken/sent flowers to the service of the recently deceased.

Katedotness1963 Wed 11-Nov-15 17:56:45

Are you talking about flowers you buy or flowers other people buy. I don't think you should move other people's.

Vodkasquirts Wed 11-Nov-15 17:59:16

Yes what I buy. I wouldn't take others.

ProcrastinatorGeneral Wed 11-Nov-15 19:08:00

It sounds lovely, given the circumstances. So sorry for your losses.

ConstanceMarkYaBitch Wed 11-Nov-15 19:34:07

If its a crematorium, then yes do it. I don't think people telling you not to realise that they get thrown away after the ceremony if you don't do something else with them!

pudcat Wed 11-Nov-15 19:39:43

Yes you can take the flowers. My undertaker told me to take the orchids I had for my Mum, because at our crematorium all the flowers are removed from the dislpay shelter on a Saturday and burnt. Mum's funeral was on the Friday afternoon. That would be a lovely and fitting gesture to take them to your husband's grave. It would bring father and son together. Sp please do this - you will feel more at peace.

Mysteryfla Wed 11-Nov-15 19:46:44

Both of my parents were cremated. The funeral director collected the flowers and brought them to the gravesite two days later. When my father died my sister and I took one flower from each of the families arrangements and placed them in a small vase on Mums grave.

Justmuddlingalong Wed 11-Nov-15 19:50:43

Didn't, I meant I didn't mean to upset anyone. blush

Italiangreyhound Wed 11-Nov-15 19:58:35

Vodkasquirts I am so sorry for your loss.

I agree with * Lweji* if you are saying you will bring flowers from one place to another as a token of esteem, lovely gesture.

I never understood flowers at a funeral until my own father died. There was something special about choosing beautiful ones and sending them for the day. We stepped outside the chapel at the crematorium and looked at all the flowers and read the cards. Then we went back a few days later and filled our homes with all the flowers and they brought a little sunshine into a dark place for a few days. I know, Vodkasquirts that you know all this but for anyone who has not lost anyone close (and I had not until I was 39) there is something strange about the rituals around death, they do seem to help even in some way to show that there are some markers through this terribly hard and uncharted landscape.

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