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To feel a bit upset/weird about this (DP related)?

(41 Posts)
Redskyatnight01 Wed 11-Nov-15 12:53:28

I’ve been with DP for 2.5 years, the relationship is fab, we live together and everything is hunky dory.

DP is originally from up t’north and has relocated further south to where we are for work….which is how I met him.

He doesn’t go back ‘home’ that often, maybe 4 times a year? I tend to go back with him 1-2 times a year and the rest leave him to get on with it and meet up with family/ friends alone.

There is just one thing that has been niggling me lately…3 of his ‘best friends’ and their GF’s/ Fiancées, I have only met once in the 2 and a half years we’ve been together. 3 of his other friends and their partners, I’ve met numerous times and I see his family often, but I just feel that 2.5 years in, I have no idea who his friends from back home really are.

His best friend is getting married next September (DP is his best man) and the invite came through the other day, it doesn’t look like I’m invited, which is fair enough as I’ve only ever met them briefly, for about 30 mins once! But I do feel a bit weird and hurt about it…we’ve been together for 2.5 years!

The kick in the stomach was last night, when said couple who are getting married tagged my DP and a few other people in a wedding related post- one of the comments on this post was from DP’s ex. I admit I clicked on her profile and on her ‘friends’ list appeared loads of DP’s friends that I haven’t yet met but who he talks about all the time. To be fair, his ex is an ex from when he was still living up north and she lives in the area but still not from where DP and his friends are from (i.e, they were all new people to her too until she met my DP) DP was only with his ex for a year and I guess I just feel weird that, after 2.5 years and a pretty serious relationship and living together, I still haven’t really been properly introduced or met some important people in his life but his ex of 12 months clearly has?!

DP has met ALL my friends numerous times, we have a great social life with them and integrating him into my social circle has really helped him build a life here. I just feel a bit weird that he hasn’t made more of an effort to introduce me to some of the most important people in his life yet?!

In fairness, he is very close to his family and I have met parents, brother and sister and their respective partners numerous times as they come down here to visit us quite a lot and obviously we see them when we go back north too. It may just be a coincidence that DPs friends that I haven’t met have had plans the weekends that I’ve been down with DP, they are all busy people, I get that, but if it was me, and DP still hadn’t met my core best friends properly yet, I would be texting them and saying ‘I want to introduce XX to you properly as it’s been 2.5 years and it’d be good to all go for meal and drinks or something, are you guys free of a weekend at all over the next couple of months to get together?’

I am due on this week and feeling pretty blah so tbf, this could just be because of hormones, I never normally give it a second thought but when I saw last night that his ex was commenting on his friends posts, I admit, I felt jealous and foolish that she has been a part of their lives at some point and, after 2.5 years, I am a stranger to them.

AIBU, hormonal?! Honestly, feel free to give me a slap if you think it’s required.

Shoxfordian Wed 11-Nov-15 13:05:00

I don't think you're being unreasonable really, maybe over-reading the situation a bit.

The ex could still be in touch with them because she lives in the area, maybe she made friends with one of the girlfriends? With the wedding, it's odd that you're not asked but sometimes people want to save money or only have people they actually know (which isn't really unreasonable).

Maybe your boyfriend doesn't see these people as really important to him; it seems like you've met his family, you've met other friends.

The best way to resolve this though is to speak to him about it

OurBlanche Wed 11-Nov-15 13:06:33

Slap, slap, slappity slap!

She is no threat and his Friend's Up North are his friends. Not friends of you/the pair of you.

He should have asked for a +1 to the wedding, if you want to go, but as he is the Best Man maybe he thinks he would have to leave you to it too much! Did you discuss it, or did you clam up and wait for him to read your mind?

I think you have every right to feel a bit sad about it, but it doesn't sound as though he has done anything wrong, he has a new life Daarn Sarf and is managing to keep his old friends too. TELL HIM you'd like to know them better... and take it from there.

MyNewBearTotoro Wed 11-Nov-15 13:10:10

Unfortunately if there is a lot of distance between where you live now and where DP's friends still live I think this is normal.

I have a close friend who moved to another part of the country about six years ago, she has been with her DP 4 years and I only met him for the first time a year ago. I'm still in contact with one of her exes who she was with for a few months years ago. She introduced us to our group and as he still lives in our hometown I now see him more than I see my friend. I'm not really that close with her ex and it's certainly not that I don't like or accept her current partner but logistically it's easier to see someone who lives down the road than someone who lives hours away.

But I can see why you might feel upset about not being recognised as an important part of DP's life by his old friends. Why don't you ask him to find a date for you all to get together so you can get to know them?

caroldecker Wed 11-Nov-15 13:12:47

How do you know these friends are important to him? He can only see them max twice a year (when he goes North alone), so not obviously great mates.

Djelibeyb Wed 11-Nov-15 13:21:53

You say he goes home about 4 times a year but you only go 1-2 times a year? Likely that means that you've only been up there what 3 or 4 times? I'm not surprised that you've not met many of his friends if that is the case. Look at it as 3 visits instead of 3 years.

A lot of the time when you move away the friends don't travel to you (in my experience anyway) even if the family do. I don't think it's a cause for concern although I think not inviting a live in partner to a wedding is a bit off I can see whay they maybe didn't think about it if they've not really met you. If this guy getting married is such a good friend could your DP not call him and ask if he overlooked adding your name by accident? The friend may not realise you live together if him and your DP don't speak much. My DH has a best friend he often doesn't speak to for months on end but then when they do speak it's just like old times. Friends like this often don't know if partners are still around etc.

With regards to his ex it is likely that his ex met the friends due to being close in distance and got on with them. When he moved away him not being there made it very easy for her to remain friends with them, especially if the split was due to him moving and/or there was no animosity when they split. I have a friend in my life that I met through her ex. I never speak to her ex anymore (he lives elsewhere now) but she's one of my closest friends. Sometimes it works out like that.

APlaceOnTheCouch Wed 11-Nov-15 13:27:27

It may be that you haven't met those friends because your DP thinks it would be awkward because they are still close to his ex. When relationships break down, it's sometimes surprising how it impacts on the wider friendship group. He may be trying to protect you from any kind of awkwardness.

I'm surprised that he is acting as best man to someone yet you aren't invited to the wedding. Has he said anything about that?

plantsitter Wed 11-Nov-15 13:36:18

I guess the truth is they are not actually some of the most important people in his life, or he would've introduced you... you've met his family after all.

Also being friends on Facebook does not make them friends in real life.

I really don't think you have anything to worry about, but you could ask DP to get you a wedding invitation if you really want to go and meet his friends.

dodobookends Wed 11-Nov-15 13:42:29

When inviting old friends to a wedding it might be fairly common to not invite their DP if you've never met them, but he is Best Man!

chocolatemademefat Wed 11-Nov-15 13:47:28

If he's close enough to his best friend to be asked to be best man why does he not tell them he wants to bring you to the wedding?

It doesn't matter what you're reading into this - I think as his long term partner they should have the manners to invite you. And I would be sitting him down and telling him this.

BaronessEllaSaturday Wed 11-Nov-15 13:52:52

I think it's even more difficult because he is best man. If they are doing a traditional top table then where do they sit the op? One question though who the hell sends out invites 10 months in advance? Op are you sure this is the actual invite or is it just a save the date?

Italiangreyhound Wed 11-Nov-15 14:09:36

Redskyatnight01 I agree with APlaceOnTheCouch when they say I'm surprised that he is acting as best man to someone yet you aren't invited to the wedding. Has he said anything about that?

I just wrote a long post and lost it!

basically I said.... sit down with DH and ask about his friend up north, don't jump in, let him talk gauge who are close and who are not.

Make it clear if you want to come to the wedding, you should be invited as his partner. It may be someone is worried that you and his ex will not get on/atmosphere etc. In your shoes I'd make it clear I was cool with it all but I would want to go and get my dp to ask for me to be included. You should not be left out, but remember he will be off doing best man type stuff.

LineyReborn Wed 11-Nov-15 14:18:54

Is the ex going to the wedding?

Redskyatnight01 Wed 11-Nov-15 14:19:12

I think I have been back up there with him 6 times in 2 and a half years, so no, not loads. Don’t get me wrong, every time we’ve been back we’ve met up with his friends and family for drinks etc, it’s just it seems to be the same few friends I’m meeting all the time (not that there is a problem with that as they are lovely!) But these are not the friends that he that he talks about a lot or the friends that he facetimes/ rings all the time, they are more just drinking buddies/ good acquaintances. The couple who are getting married seem to always be busy, they popped in to the pub once on the way back from a meal and so I met them then briefly but they only stayed for one quick drink as it was late by this point. We just exchanged a few ‘lovely to meet you, what is that you do etc etc’ pleasantries. That was 18 months ago now and never seen them since. The other 2 best friends of his and their partners I met once nearer when I first started seeing him, it was nice, we all spent the day together and that was fine, but again, that was about 2 years ago now and never seen them since!

When he goes back on his own he’ll often ring me and say ‘Just going out to meet so and so.’ And these are the friends that are never around when I go down! So it starts to seem like some sort of conspiracy lol! He facetimes and talks on the phone to these friends a lot and I think they do ask after me, so perhaps I am just being paranoid.

Re the wedding, I discussed it with my friend and she seems to think I probably wasn’t invited because I wouldn’t know anyone (well how would I when I never get the chance to meet them!) and DP is best man so will be busy all day and have to leave me etc, which is absolutely fair enough, I guess I just feel a bit unimportant.

Oh and just to point out, DP’s ex isn’t attending the wedding, I don’t think she has anything to do with his friends anymore since they’ve split up, The comment she made last night was ‘Wow, didn’t realise you guys were engaged, (they hadn’t announced it on FB it seems) congrats, hope you have an amazing wedding day.’ Which is absolutely lovely and fine, it’s not what she’s put or anything like that, I suppose I just felt a bit jealous.

WoodHeaven Wed 11-Nov-15 14:23:16

Not that surprising that you haven't met all of his friends.
Not surprising that your DP is invitted to be the best man for one of his best friends.

It IS surprising that the invite hasn't been a +1, like if he hadn't talked that much about you to his friend so you aren't seen as 'important'.
It IS also surprising that your DP didn't say anythig to his friend either. I mean he is going tobe the best man!

The stuff with the ex can easily be explained by location and the fact that she has stayed friends with them after they split.

Italiangreyhound Wed 11-Nov-15 14:25:47

If this all brother you I would talk to him calmly. In your shoes I would want to go just to get the chance to meet people. But then I am pushy, chatty and I love weddings!

chrome100 Wed 11-Nov-15 14:48:07

YABU.

I've been with my DP for four years, we both live in the same place where we grew up and he still gets invited to weddings without me. It's fine to have your own friends that aren't really friends of both of you. And it's just a coincidence his ex is in the group due to circumstances.

MissBattleaxe Wed 11-Nov-15 14:48:49

Well I can see why you're feeling a bit fragile about everything and I don;t mean to sound harsh, but you can't have it both ways.

Your DP travels north 4 times a year but you only go up once or twice a year but you're still hoping to be in the gang? It's nothing personal, they just don't know you very well. If you really want to know his friends better, go up with him more and join in more. If you don't want to know them better, don't complain when you're not invited to their weddings.

FWIW I do actually think it's a bit rude to only invite half a couple if they are long term or co habiting. Then again, at the wedding he'll be best man and you'll be Norma No Mates.

Shutthatdoor Wed 11-Nov-15 14:58:02

It doesn't matter what you're reading into this - I think as his long term partner they should have the manners to invite you. And I would be sitting him down and telling him this.

What exactly do you expect him to do about it? Since when do guests, best man or not, decide who attends a wedding?

OP I have been invited to weddings without my DH and vice versa.

You admit you have hardly ever been 'up north' and barely met them.

If they are for example tight on numbers then I can fully see why they haven't invited you.

I really wouldn't get upset about it.

AnUtterIdiot Wed 11-Nov-15 15:03:02

This isn't about being in the gang, it's about the best man's other half not being invited. I think that's crap, if it's really the case. I've honestly never heard of it.

Do check that they're not just assuming he'll bring you, though.

ExitPursuedByABear Wed 11-Nov-15 15:13:31

I think it is really rude not to invite both halves of a couple.

Do you live together OP?

Regarding his friends that you haven't met, I personally would not see that as a big deal.

OurBlanche Wed 11-Nov-15 15:37:43

Ooh! Is that another thing I don't get cos I is old, then?

We get invited to weddings, other work based/family/friendship parties are available, without each other all the time. It isn't a problem and I wouldn't consider it rude, in OPs case.

DH went to his oldest mates wedding last year, I wasn't invited - and we have been together for 30 years, married for 26! Why wasn't I invited? No idea, but as I barely know the man, and he and DH keep in touch via the grapevine as much as anything else, I wasn't bothered.

It happens. It isn't rude, maybe a little tactless, but not a personal snub or intended slight... they just don't know the OP!

Unreasonablebetty Wed 11-Nov-15 15:44:08

Hi OP, I can understand you might be feeling really crap, but not all of it is unreasonable.

Can I just start with saying that its not polite for the friends to have not invited you to the wedding with him? I invited guests to my wedding who were girlfriends of my husbands friends, that neither of us has met. It's simple manners.

However, his life is where you are, these friends he sees, don't seem to be a core group of mates if he only sees them a few times a year, when he is there and don't even try to travel to see him.
Please try to remember that. It's also quite likely that these friends are the ones that your DPs ex "got" in the break up. Maybe they are happy enough to see him every now and then but have no interest in hanging out with you as a couple?
It's perfectly fine for them to feel that way, they don't know you so it's not personal.
There are friends of my husbands who prefer to hang out with him on his own.... Neither his wife, or I was invited. It soon became a very irregular type of thing and they haven't seen eachother in years by this point, because the friend that my husband had was just not the type of friend he could enjoy family time with, and the little amount of time he has when he isn't working he wants with us.

Crabbitface Wed 11-Nov-15 15:54:11

I think it's a bit shit of his best friend to not have invited his best friend/best man's partner. I wouldn't dream of doing this. And if my DP accepted this without questioning it I would be disappointed too.

I think you should have a wee heart to heart with your DP. Not in a demanding way. Just to let him know how you feel.

1. That you love that he is still close to his old pals and because they are important to him and he is important to you you'd like to get to know them better.

2. That you were a bit disappointed to not be invited to the wedding after being together for 2 and half years and does he know why you weren't?

There IS a reason you weren't invited. They didn't forget about you. People put a lot of thought into who to invite and who not to invite to a wedding so unless they think so little of DP that they forgot his relationship status they have left you out for a reason and if I were your parter I would be asking them why.

BerylStreep Wed 11-Nov-15 15:56:18

I couldn't help but be a bit PA and get your DP to send the engagement card signed from both of you, same with the wedding gift.

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