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AIBU to want to talk to my dh about dsis drugs raid or is he right its not his problem

(37 Posts)
whatisforteamum Wed 11-Nov-15 01:23:03

tbh i get the feeling my marriage is over.Lots of problems etc
,Tonight he said i kept going on about my sis.Last week her house was raided by police who knocked the door down and arrested her and her dh for drug offences.
.This is a huge shock to our otherwise quiet well respected parents,They got the news while df was having a blood transfusion in hosp (terminal cancer).Shocking timing.
I told dh thur and worked myself sun mon its now tue and i havent seen him today at all.He told me off for going on about it!!!
My dsis is bailed until jan and they suspect they have evidence she was in on it with her dh.The word is it is cocaine,we are worried for her.i had heard rumours before about her dh but still this is serious.
This got me thinking would you be able to tell your dh things or ask for reasurrance as he knows my new job and no car are causing me issues or are family problems just that...mine not his . Curious what you can expect from a 29 yr relationship and what is acceptable

HelenaDove Wed 11-Nov-15 01:32:52

I remember your previous threads. You have bent over backwards to accomodate your DH and look after him while hes been ill despite his reluctance to look after himself and yet he cant even be fucked to talk to or comfort you when you need it Hes a tosser.

BondJayneBond Wed 11-Nov-15 01:34:25

Well, it's not his problem, that's true.

But it's perfectly natural for you to want to talk about something major like that, and it's certainly not unreasonable for you to expect your DH to listen to you talk about it.

If one of my siblings was in a position like that, I'd expect to be able to talk to DH about it without him getting narky about it not being his problem.

whatisforteamum Wed 11-Nov-15 01:52:19

thanks yes i looked after him when he had his heart attack and kept up with new work schedule.His personality has changed and although he has taken me car hunting (mine was written off by silly delivery driver just before new job started).and im sure he has heard enough of my lovely dm and df who battle cancer.I hardly see him due to new job i just think the odd hug or that is shit wouldnt go amiss.It was when he said id already told him,My parents cant sleep for the worry their door will be smashed down!! i told dm that would never happen.
i just wondered if i am too needy.i told him if he carries on eating soo much junk food he will have another heart attack despite all his pills and he said he doesnt care,He has 2 days in a luxury hotel golfing now and not a spre minute for me,
i just wondered if others discussed worrying things or told their friends.

bearleftmonkeyright Wed 11-Nov-15 02:03:19

Yes, it is normal to discuss worrying things, thats what Mumsnet is here for xx You are going through an unbelievable amount of stress IMO. Forget about what he thinks. Look after yourself.

Wagglebees Wed 11-Nov-15 02:13:31

Yes it's normal to want to talk about things and usual for a partner to care enough to listen because it'll help the person they love, even if they secretly aren't personally bothered by the thing itself.

You're going through so much. I really feel for you. Please try to take care of yourself as much as you possibly can. You poor thing. flowersflowers

madwomanbackintheattic Wed 11-Nov-15 02:51:20

I wonder if the desire to avoid discussing your df's illness etc is because it is a reminder of mortality (especially his own) and if he feels he may be on borrowed time himself, with his own history? Might explain the ostrich impression with the food and luxury break, and the reluctance to waste any time he has left on being concerned about people who have caused their own problems?

Or he might just be a selfish twat. But generally it is entirely normal to discuss stuff with your partner, yes.

But I would consider whether he is psychologically over his heart attack, as well.

Senpai Wed 11-Nov-15 03:08:25

Yikes. Unfortunately if there's cocaine in the house, she is guilty by association. You can't just look the other way with that sort of stuff.

If you're close, make sure you spend a good Christmas with her, it might be her last free one for a few years. sadflowers

As for your DH, yes you should be able to talk to him about anything and everything that pops into your brain. Unfortunately, he doesn't seem like the type that's going to listen and provide the support you need right now. Can you see a counselor to talk to? It does seem like it would help you since you are in a massively stressful situation. It might help you sort your thoughts and look at the bigger picture with you and DH to figure out what you want out of this relationship once you're out of crisis mode.

whatisforteamum Wed 11-Nov-15 08:01:14

I guess we all try to grab some "light" when weve had a hard time and he has said before i dont know what its like to live with the fear of another heart attackHis own dm died at 44 from one .He is like an angry bear and shouts at dd too (not just me).
I am not close to dsis she is adopted so younger however she my other dsis and parents live in the same town.Everyone knows its her.
Dad has his hospice nurses however i offer shopping each day,2012 dm and df had chemo and ops so hugely stressful.
I thought my dsis dh had something to do with cannibis however dm who doesnt drink or smoke wouldnt believe it fobbed off nice cars fancy hols on his good wage!!
they have dcs.Young ones.My other dsis told me they have intellingence she is involved so after a night in the cells they were bailed.
Mums biggest worry last week was df not being able to walk across the room due to cancer in his spine now this hideousness,She is a proud woman.they adopted 2 babies who had a bad start in life this is what she gets.
I dont recognise my life.I can buy a car.Somethings are harder to live with sad

whatisforteamum Wed 11-Nov-15 08:14:39

Foolishly i never made close friends only have lots of lovely aquaintances.unsure they would understand anyway.

winewolfhowls Wed 11-Nov-15 08:20:12

Your dh sounds dreadful. You are having a really tough time all around, it's you that needs a hotel break!

Perhaps your life would be in many ways easier if you didn't have your dh dragging you down and making you walk on eggshells.

Theoretician Wed 11-Nov-15 08:39:18

I don't understand why it would help anyone to talk about bad things that they have no control over, and if you did so to more than a minimal degree I would think you were multiplying the misery, instead of leaving it confined to the people who are unavoidably suffering it. (Their problems don't get smaller as the number of people choosing/being forced to feel shit about them increases.)

Most of my life the message from pop-psychology seems to have been "it's good to talk", it's only in recent years that once or twice I've seen reference to research saying the opposite, that it's can actually be counter-productive.

Having said that, I accept that you know what you want, and how it makes you feel.

Because I cannot see the good of talking, and I feel the harm, I would see talking as a selfish activity. Because you see some good, and apparently see no harm, you think it's the non-listener who is being selfish.

whatisforteamum Wed 11-Nov-15 08:39:15

yes i feel that too.I will have to do something about that,dd is 18 and ds is almost 17 looking for an apprenticeship and coming to terms with being gay.The only consolation is i pay no rent as mortgage is paid,(an achievement on our low wages smile ).
I just wondered if im asking too much of anyone.Not realising boundaries.He doessnt like dsis or drug dealers who does !!!
Not sure i have the energy to move out.I have some money set aside.
The wise mumsnetters can tell me what i can and cannot expect of my DH.Not so much as a hug while dh has been soo very ill,Not once,

Jux Wed 11-Nov-15 08:55:29

Agree, your life would be a lot easier if your h were not in it.

Now he is recovered, still doing the same crap which brought on his attack so heading for another, start thinking about what you want out of life.

I have a vg friend who had a big heart attack. He has completely turned his life around since. He is doing everything he can to look after himself properly, and yet is still the same intelligent, thoughtful, funny person he always was. It is possible.

I think your h needs counselling, to get to grips with his fear of another attack. It sounds like he thinks it's inevitable so he may as well do what he likes because he'll die anyway.

whatisforteamum Wed 11-Nov-15 08:57:15

yes theoritician i guess that is true,Too much counselling in the 90s for an eating disorder may have made me more of a talker/moaner.My dh bottles things up then has bad temper outbursts.

whatisforteamum Wed 11-Nov-15 09:01:57

Agreed jux.His mum died of one at 44 his dad had 2.Dh eats all the stuff on the rehab donts list sweets crisps chips bacon fry ups puds energy drinks,He has put on weight.His dcs will grow up without a parent like he did and yet he does nothing,I know change is hard.
He was previously a kind gentle man.I dont think hes changing back.

diddl Wed 11-Nov-15 09:21:40

I think that you should be able to talk to an extent.

I'm pretty sure that my husband's patience would be quite finite on my talking about my sister & her husband & their self inflicted problems caused by their drugs offences though.

He probably wouldn't just say that it wasn't his problem but I think would quite soon be saying thatthere is nothing that we/he could do & that us talking wouldn't change their circumstances.

I don't know your backstory & of course your husband should be changing his lifestyle to help himself as much as possible.

I suppose the fear doesn't go away even if you do minimise the risk, but you learn to accept it more?

Perhaps he also feels somewhat that what they have done is entirely self inflicted & he is to an extent a victim of circumstance re his health?

Parietal Wed 11-Nov-15 09:21:50

you say your DH's personality changed - was that a sudden change around the time of the heart attack? it could be that a small stroke caused the change, and that a doctor should check it out.

whatisforteamum Wed 11-Nov-15 09:34:32

Agreed its self inflicted totally.Mum doesnt deserve to be worried sick while her dh of 50 yrs is in his last weeks/days of his life.she told me she thinks the police will bang her door down on her lovely home.I told her they wouldnt.

Preciousxbane Wed 11-Nov-15 09:35:25

I don't know your whole back story.

People should be able to talk about big life events positive and negative. But having had counselling my consellor said it was self destructive to keep repeating the same problems or issues as it reinforces it all constantly.

My nephew went to prison for drug offences. A lot of my family were upset and outraged whereas I was glad he got caught. Sounds like he is very anti drug so is probably having a made their bed lie they can lie in it moment.

I almost died about ten years ago and also they thought I had somethjng potentially fatal 15 years ago. It changed me for sure and not for the better, I needed counselling. It is bizarre staring death in the face. His shttiness may well be anxiety based, that is not excusing his behaviour obviously.

whatisforteamum Wed 11-Nov-15 09:59:53

Thanks precious all my 3 loved ones have just had nr death experiences,You maybe right.I feel shattered by constantly juggling work dcs now this.sad

bearleftmonkeyright Wed 11-Nov-15 12:57:39

Just a suggestion. Has your sister got a solicitor, would they be able to speak to your Mum to reassure her? Also could MacMillan help in any way to support your Mum? I have no answers about your DH, its down to him. You have got too much going on in my opinion to look after him as well.

Djelibeyb Wed 11-Nov-15 13:05:43

I've been married 12 years and if there is a problem with my family I talk to DH about it and he supports me and vice versa. We have moaned, complained, hugged, stressed at and supported and help each other through illness and deaths in both sides of the family as well as many other things. To me when you are married a family issue is an issue for you both to deal with together regardless of whose family it is.

I hope you can get some support for yourself and your parents. Be kind to yourself and have a good think about your future and what YOU want from it.

whatisforteamum Wed 11-Nov-15 15:29:56

Thank you.I dont want to divorce then find i am the one who should "stfu" as he so eloquently puts it.He doesnt like my adopted sis or my natural sis however unless he is thick he must realise the implications on Mum.Mum has hospice at home thanks.Also dsis is getting a solicitor.i will try to distance myself as their is nothing i can do for her without dragging myself down.
Outsiders would think i had some support from dh and company when infact he is a pain.

LemonySmithit Wed 11-Nov-15 16:08:14

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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