to want to get married(36 Posts)
Having been with DP for 5 years, we are now 28 and we have seen almost all of our friends get married and now start having babies.
I have never really been that fussed about weddings etc but happiness is infectious and seeing all of our friends get married over the last few years has finally bitten through what I thought was my fairly robust skin on this and made me want to do it too.
I have never been "anti-marriage" per se but I have never really expressed interest in it before. Similarly with having kids. DP has in the past - I know he wants to get married and have kids, but I don't think he really has a grasp on the concept of body clocks etc etc so I don't think he feels it as acutely as I do.
I am a bit traditional in that I would really like a proposal to be a surprise so I don't want to drop hints - I also think doing that seems a bit desperate and I want him to want to marry me because he wants to rather that because he is pressured... but I don't think it will happen otherwise.
DP isn't really the type of buy me a present other than at birthdays and xmas, and he isn't the type to save for anything other than his next holiday (we just had one so no savings left). I doubt he would do it any time soon anyway as his sister is engaged and getting married in July 2017 - the wedding chatter is constant and I know that she would consider it a heinous crime for anyone to steal her thunder.
I guess I am just a bit disappointed that I have finally come round to this and DP has backed off. I'm also worried about fertility if he doesn't do it soon as he has said in the past that he wont have kids til his is marries (v traditional Christian family). Sigh.
AIBU to feel like this or am I just being self-centred/stupid?
You either want to get married or you don't. You can't dictate that he "surprises" you and proposes.
Just tell him you should get married in the next year/two years or whatever time line you want.
He can't read your mind, if you want something come out and say it.
I don't think YABU
I think it's wonderful that you have found someone that you love enough to want to spend your life with. Yes you can do that without getting married, as you have done for 5 years, but now you are at a place in your life where you feel ready to really set that commitment in stone by making it all official.
If your DP always wanted to get married, but has now backed off from talking about it, maybe he is waiting for you to express an interest in it to him? Might be a very pleasant surprise for him if you mention it
And as for the proposal thing....I had the world's worst proposal! But it doesn't make a difference. The fact that DH asked me was enough. It didn't matter about a romantic setting
my kitchen, or flowers distinct lack of, or mushy love letters mushy vomit in my hair, the point was, we made the decision to do it together.
Why don't you mention one of your friends who has got married, something along the lines of "Oh don't they look happy in their wedding photos", and then take the conversation from there?
Let us know how it goes if you decide to bring it up with him
YANBU, but you do need to have a conversation with him about it. It's all very well to say that you want the proposal to be a surprise, but how is he supposed to know that your view of marriage is changing and that actually, you're looking to move your relationship forward, if you say nothing?
I think you could simply say that you've been thinking more about marriage and children, and that it's something that you'd like to do sooner rather than later and how does he feel about that etc. That's not dropping hints, it is telling him how you feel.
Don't really get why his sister's wedding in 2017 means you can't get married before then though - that's nearly two years away! Ridiculous for anyone to think their relatives can't get married anytime before July 2017!!
Have you actually told your DP you want to get married? DH and I spent our 20s being anti-marriage, so when I changed my mind it took him a while
2 bloody years to mull the idea over and change his mind.
He's never going to know it's worth proposing if you don't tell him. It's perfectly reasonable to change your mind. Not at all self-centred.
Whatever else you do, get the legals sorted - wills, pensions etc
How do you get on with his family? If anything happened to him would they let you have a part in his funeral? How about if anything happened to you, would your family be okay with him and allow him a say?
I know someone who wanted to get married, her partner wasn't picking up her hints, so in the end she just asked him herself and they have been married for 3 years now. Just ask him and see what he says if you want it so badly
So you couldn't get engaged or married in the next two years because your future SIL has bagged all that time to herself?
so no-one else can get married for the next 18 months because his sister is planning her fancy frock party?
good luck with her...
YANBU to want to get married.
I am not going to call you unreasonable for saying "I am a bit traditional in that I would really like a proposal to be a surprise". But I am going to ask you to think about what that actually means. Because to me it makes women secondary to men, only able to marry if an acceptable offer is made by a man - in short, not in control of their own destiny. Woman up ! If you want to marry him, tell him so. Better still, ask him.
I will have a little rant here. I despise 'romance'. It is a system of social expectations that force passivity onto women and girls, insisting that they wait on their shelf to be swept off it by 'the one'. Utter bollocks. It absolutely diddles women (and men) out of actively directing their own lives. Rant over.
Just ask him. He can't read mind. If you want something, you need to make it happen.
Because to me it makes women secondary to men, only able to marry if an acceptable offer is made by a man - in short, not in control of their own destiny.
Basically this. Are you that passive in other areas of your life? Do you want for someone to ask you to go for a job? Or do you apply and put your best CV together?
Yanbu to want to get married.
Yabu to expect your dp to suddenly propose when he knows you weren't that fussed.
I find this whole concept of people expecting their partners to be mind readers and know they have changed their mind to be completely bizarre. It's setting the partner up to be a failure.
If he knows you aren't fussed you either need to propose yourself or have the conversation.
Before you do, make sure it's actually what you want. Rather than just wanting to do it because other people are.
I find it odd that you have gone from not being fussed about marriage t describing yourself as traditional and wanting a 'traditional' proposal.
It does sound like a bit of envy
I agree you need to let him know you now do want to get married as I'm sure he will have picked up on your anti-marriage vibes at some point. You don't have to do it directly, just start saying things like 'I like her bridesmaid dresses, I think I'd like some like that at my wedding' etc.
As a side note, I didn't do this, I told my dp when we got together that I wanted marriage and kids over the next couple of years as I was now 29! Luckily we both felt the same and knew from very early on how we felt about each other. If you can be direct it will save angst..
I despise 'romance'. It is a system of social expectations that force passivity onto women and girls, insisting that they wait on their shelf to be swept off it by 'the one'. Utter bollocks. It absolutely diddles women (and men) out of actively directing their own lives. Rant over.
I kind of agree. Society does have this view. But there is nothing to stop women being romantic.
What bothers me is the amount of women who expect men to act in a certain way, when it comes to relationships. Simply because they are the man.
It wouldn't be acceptable in any other area of life
I think that the fundamental of a good and strong relationship is being able to communicate (whether you are married or not).
You have to be able to tell him that you found something moving and infectious about the happiness of the weddings (even if that is about a Disneyesque dream) and you also have to be able to express (to him and to yourself) what is important about marriage and commitment - even if that is about practical legal protection and not about romance.
I hate, hate, hate the whole 'man must propose' stuff - what a huge amount of pressure it puts on the man, and what a lot of control the woman gives up. I find it astonishing that in 2015 so many woman sit unhappily waiting for a romantic proposal, and that in fact so many agreements to get married are in fact 'decided' by the man
There is a strong tradition that men propose.
There is no tradition that should be a surprise.
Indeed if you go in for certain types of period literature, you'd think there was a far stronger tradition of women arranging it all, even if the final sentence came out of the man's mouth. This tradition is your friend here.
If you won't discuss your future sensibly with him, including marriage and children, then you have to accept that things will drift. As you point out, you know he has no concept of the biological clock ticking. Is waiting to get a 'surprise' proposal (for which you may wait forever) more important than knowing if you actually still want the same things?
If you wait for a proposal, when you've already said your DP isn't the big romantic gestures type, then you're in for a world of disappointment. I have a friend who is in this mindset. She's been with DP for 10 years, has two kids, and is obsessed with the idea of getting married. However, it's so obvious her DP is never going to get down on one knee or do some huge gesture. You need to tell him how you feel.
And fuck waiting til after the wedding. Unless he wants to propose at the reception for added hilarity.
I 'proposed' to dh, i.e. said 'we may as well get married now' - tbf it was clear to us both that that was the way it was going, although we were 'only' two years in. We had a six-month engagement and a tiny wedding (poor students), and have been happily married now for 15 years and have had three children.
You are absolutely NBU in wanting to be married, but you are BU in waiting for him to broach the subject. Take control and ask him.
(Btw, him 'not being the type to save' is a little bit worrying if you want a family. You'll need to have a deeply unromantic talk about finances and provision for your future kids).
I had to tell my DH to propose to me, shop for my own engagement ring (he paid) and he proposed in front of family and friends. Which was a bit embarrassing. But if waited for him, I doubt we'd ever have got married, and since my dad died three years after the wedding, it would probably have been too late for him to walk me up the aisle. DH loves being a husband and a dad, he really does. But he didn't know until I kinda pushed him into it
When you say 'happiness is infectious' in relation to your friends' weddings, you're confusing weddings and marriage. No reason why you shouldn't have both, obviously, but vows in a white dress or whatever won't make any significant difference to a relationship's happiness, even if it looks awfully cute.
What gobsmacked me in your post is what sounds like a massive lack of communication between you and your DP. Haven't you talked about any if this? Isn't he the obvious person to talk to about wanting to do this? Why has he backed off the idea just as you've come round to it, despite the fact you also say he won't have children until he marries? Is he religious?
Just sit down and say this stuff! The surprise proposal is from a different era. You are (presumably) already committed to one another, and living together - the moment for the coy 'I didn't know you really loved me until you produced a ring box!' bit is long past.
And please don't do that tortuous thing we see so often in Mn. A woman who, reasonably enough, wants to marry her partner, but needs to hide that fact behind the illusion it's all her partner's own idea, so she can be all astonished on Valentine's Day or something. Own what you want. Which is just as important as what your DP wants, and has the added benefit that you can do something about it.
Also, are you actually saying that your SIL or whoever has booked two years of the family calendar, during which no one else is allowed to get married???? That's the maddest thing I ever heard.
It sounds like you've given him the impression you don't want to get married so he's backed off. Now you actually need to tell him that you've changed your mind. You can't be annoyed with him over this
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