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to expect DH to step up to the plate rather than just relying on his mother

(22 Posts)
Firsttimemum2012 Tue 10-Nov-15 14:59:15

I have been working part time in a job 3 days a week which I generally enjoy. I have 2 young children and it has been really flexible. My manager is leaving and I have been offered her job. It means an increase in hours to 4 or 5 days a week and there will be a certain amount of travel involved but a good increase in salary too. My DH is very keen for me to take it as the extra money would make a big difference to us. I am prepared to do it but I said to DH that he would need to step up as currently I do all the drop offs and pick ups at childcare, the cleaning, cooking, getting up in the night and sick days. I said DH needed to think about the job as well because it would have a big impact on his life too. His response was "we'll just rely on my mum".

MIL is ok (we are very different) and it would be fine to have her help out - she'd probably want to take the children for one day a week - and help out when we are stuck but I think that DH needs to step up too. He works for himself so could help with pick ups and drop offs if he organised himself.

MrsTerryPratchett Tue 10-Nov-15 15:02:37

He wants the extra money but none of the extra work. That's big of him.

Does he do anything children/house related currently?

Lostcat2 Tue 10-Nov-15 15:02:57

Cheeky bastard!!!

Does his mother not have a life.

No op you both need up sit down and discuss proper child care options and pick ups/drop offs or tell him no.

grimbletart Tue 10-Nov-15 15:04:48

Makes me cross when a parent decides to dump on their mum or MIL. Does it not occur to your DH that his mum might like a life too and that she has done her bit bringing him up? It's so entitled. Maybe she would like to help but DH is a parent who wants to benefit from your job and it is selfish in the extreme to expect mum to bale him out. Tell him it's his child and to act like a parent.

expatinscotland Tue 10-Nov-15 15:05:00

It needs to be clear: he steps up or you decline the job. And then you act on that.

cleoteacher Tue 10-Nov-15 15:05:49

Yes he defiantly needs to step up. If you are both working full time why is it only your responsibility to pick up/drop of dcs? I am returning to work two days a week and dh has to do the drop offs in the morning as I will get to work earlier than him. Sounds like your dh wants his cake and to eat it. Wants the extra money but without any extra effort on his part.

I think you should sit down and negotiate him to pick up/drop off a few times a week

With your new wage could you get a cleaner? He then might be more likely to accept the other extras without that one.

MrsTerryPratchett Tue 10-Nov-15 15:06:40

And, she can't do overnights when they are sick or the heavy lifting of keeping your house running. Of course, he doesn't intend to. I think he intends for you to carry on doing that.

WhereYouLeftIt Tue 10-Nov-15 15:08:20

"His response was "we'll just rely on my mum"."

Or to paraphrase - Yes dear, take the job, work longer hours, bring more money into the household, and by the way I won't be putting in any more effort, just you.

NewLife4Me Tue 10-Nov-15 15:36:15

He doesn't sound like he will be able to unfortunately.
Some men think parenting and housework is women's work and it sounds like yours does too, i.e the comments about mil.
I couldn't be married to someone like this, but each to their own.

Chilledmonkeybrains Tue 10-Nov-15 15:38:54

Apart from anything else, has he even asked his mum?!

Booyaka Tue 10-Nov-15 15:44:08

I think it depends really on what his work is. You say he works for himself. If he is something like a builder or a gardener where reliability and turning up is a big issue then he might be in the right.

There was a thread a few weeks back about a builder who was starting early for pick ups and leaving early for drop offs and loads of people were saying it was out of order for him to do that. If his Mum is happy to do it I can't really see the issue.

And also, I do think YAB a bit U because most families where parents work FT need to have some help. He will be working at home, but he will still working. If not your mother in law, then some other form of childcare might help.

Griphook Tue 10-Nov-15 15:44:32

Sounds like he has no intention of helping out, you need to tell him exactly what you are expecting so he has no come back later.
If he then suggests that you don't take the job, I would be having a long think about your relationship

Booyaka Tue 10-Nov-15 15:45:09

I just don't think you should view the fact he works for himself as his work time being dead time which can be jettisoned at will.

Potatoface2 Tue 10-Nov-15 15:49:04

he clearly hasnt thought it through properly...discuss it again and emphasis HE needs to step up not his mum

LagunaBubbles Tue 10-Nov-15 15:52:52

Are you happy doing everything that you say? I certainly wouldnt be, why doesnt he help more as it is?

WorkingClassHeroine Tue 10-Nov-15 16:05:35

I don't like to be a doom and gloom merchant, but just say you use your MIL for childcare - what happens if she becomes unwell - she won't be around for ever.

My mum used to tell me that she would gladly take on some childcare if I wanted to go back to work. I had no intention of taking her up on her offer, because I didn't feel ready and I wanted her to enjoy her retirement and her grandchildren at her own pace and without being tied down. It turned out to be a moot point anyway because soon after we had that conversation she was diagnosed with terminal cancer and died within months.

You need to know you can rely on your kids' other parent to do their job, as you might not have another opton

MrsTerryPratchett Tue 10-Nov-15 16:07:37

Yeah and he probably drives so can't do night wakings and is a surgeon so can't get his hands dirty. Or, he's an arse who expects the women in his life to do all the shitwork. Boo did you miss the bit about the cooking and cleaning? Or can he not do that either? Umm, he's a microbiologist working with Ebola... Umm or something...

ProfGrammaticus Tue 10-Nov-15 16:08:54

Bugger that!

NoSquirrels Tue 10-Nov-15 16:12:35

There is a BIG difference between working 3 days and working FT 5 days.

The flexibility you have when DC are sick, for example - for now you only need to stress out for a proportion of those days of the week, depending on when they fall. When you work FT the time off work becomes a lot harder.

The housework and related domestic drudgery - get a cleaner if you don't already have one, make it non-negotiable on taking the promotion. He needs to take on 50% of the household tasks e.g. meal planning, grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning up, laundry, household admin.

The night wakings - you should split this 50-50 anyway, imo. Ditto for drop offs and pick ups if there is no absolutely compelling practical reason for him not to. Not sure how he's got out of it so far if you already work 3 days...?

Spell. It. Out. To. Him. Slowly.
Honestly, you need his complete buy-in - WITH A PLAN - before you accept.

travailtotravel Tue 10-Nov-15 16:39:19

Take the job. If he doesn't step up ( and having been in this position I would specify what you are expecting him to do just to be absolutely clear) then you have the means to make decisions about whether there is value in being together or not!

travailtotravel Tue 10-Nov-15 16:41:29

I hate to say be specific too but because I didn't set m!y expectations, DH always wheedled out of it with a butbyou never said. Im afraid I had to go at it like an job task. Got the message over though. And he is pretty good now in fact!

coffeeisnectar Tue 10-Nov-15 16:45:30

It's 2015 not 1955. Tell him to man up!

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