Advanced search feel really really let down by DH?

(9 Posts)
Margie32 Mon 09-Nov-15 20:33:19

Today is 2 years since my Mum died. She had cancer, she was 61, it goes without saying that it was horrendous, plus I had two DCs under 3 when she died and felt pulled in all directions. Now the grief doesn't feel quite as raw as it did then but any kind of anniversary, birthday, celebration, etc, is a trigger for a major meltdown on my part.

Last year her one year anniversary coincided with a weekend and I was able to spend the whole weekend with my Dad and wider family, which was great. This year it was a Monday, and given that I live in a foreign country I didn't travel back to the UK to be with my family.

My DH knew it was today - I spent Friday night in floods of tears, Saturday evening I got upset again. This morning he didn't say anything to me but I didn't think much of it given that mornings are a bit manic. During the day I got loads of lovely messages including beautiful messages from both my MIL and bro-in-law (DH's brother) but nothing from DH. Then I got home with the DCs and DH started an argument with me about whether we should give DS2 soup for his dinner or not.

I mean I'm not asking for much, but a but a bit of recognition that today is fucking hard for me wouldn't go amiss. I swear that he might not have referred to Mum at all but my aunt phoned and he answered the phone, so was reminded of it by her. He loved my Mum and is a great DH in most other ways, but I can't believe his almost total lack of empathy today.


HackerFucker22 Mon 09-Nov-15 20:35:52

Maybe he thinks mentioning it will cause more upset than not mentioning it?

Thurlow Mon 09-Nov-15 20:47:06

This might be one of those occasions where people react differently, and so there are crossed wires.

So your DH might feel that if he was in this situation, he wouldn't like to talk about it or be reminded of it by people but to try and carry on as if it was a normal day - and so he has assumed that that's how you want to treat the day. But he's got it spectacularly wrong.

I can see why you're upset. You have every right to be upset. But I would talk to him about it and explain how it's made you feel.

If everything is normally good in your relationship and this sticks out as something unusually hurtful, then talk about it.

Margie32 Mon 09-Nov-15 20:52:26

Thank you both so much for your replies. I think you're right and maybe today, anything that DH did would have been the wrong thing. I still feel a lot of anger about losing my Mum and he's an easy target for that.

scatterthenuns Mon 09-Nov-15 20:57:21

I think he's trying to avoid upsetting you by mentioning it. As cathartic as it might be to talk about it, he probably feels awful watching you cry and doesn't want you to cry anymore.

Thurlow Mon 09-Nov-15 21:01:18

It's easy to pass it to someone else who is within firing range.

I'm sorry for your loss. Go and have a drink or some chocolate or something, find your DH, snuggle up and really have a good cry flowers

Lostcat2 Mon 09-Nov-15 21:29:00

Horrible for you op. Your mum went too soon. flowers

Sure your dh just doesn't know what to say. Go and have a cuddle.

Nice your mil and bil texted you. Nice family.

Only1scoop Mon 09-Nov-15 21:33:38

So sorry to hear about you DM Op

Sounds hurtful no matter what his reasons are you need some Tlc.

AyeAmarok Mon 09-Nov-15 21:35:32

He's probably panicking because he doesn't know what to do, and this has made it even worse.

It's really not hard to just make you a cup of tea and give you a hug though, so he is being an unsupportive arse.


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