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To make an excuse and cancel on long planned girly weekend...

(84 Posts)
SugarDoh Mon 09-Nov-15 20:00:17

This is going to sound a really silly post and I'll try to put it as succinctly as possible but I really struggle to fit in with people. I like my own company, when I have free time I just want to be with my husband and children, I don't crave lots of friends and have a few very close friends but that is it. I am socially awkward, I don't like small talk and am really bad at it, I struggle not to think about the complexities of things. For example if you talk to me about a nice bag in a shop, my mind will start thinking about the consumerist culture, materialism, the impact that has on society the planet etc - I know I am too serious in thought for most people. I'm also not great at knowing when I've upset someone or what the right thing to say when etc. I've learnt to hide all of this, that it isn't socially acceptable to debate the political, social or environmental factors of every thing and it bores most people (probably rightly so) but I do think deeply about everything. This isn't to say I don't have fun and laugh and play about but my form of relaxing in my children, playing with leaves, enjoying nature, being outside, walking my dog, talking to my husband (who is a lot like me in this respect!) etc.
I'm not a fun party person. I don't like confined spaces and feel trapped, and I don't like going to new places that much and I don't like being touched by people I don't have an intimate relationship with. I feel very unconfident in large groups etc.
Quite a few months ago I was invited on a girly spa-type weekend with a nice bunch of women I know. I said yes in a moment of madness as actually I actively wanted to push myself outside of my comfort zone and try to be more social and was genuinely touched to be invited along. Now this spa weekend thing is coming up I am dreading it - I think I'll bore everyone if I do try to join in and look boring and quiet if I don't. I think I have different values and views to this group and just think I'll end up irritated or irritating. I don't want to have any treatments and the idea of a sauna sends me spinning. I don't want to be away in a strange place for a night and think it'll be a waste of my time when I could be with my children. I'm happy to pay my share and not go. I know I shouldn't have said yes in a moment of madness, I do like them all but I'm getting increasingly anxious about it...
I don't think I'm (or at least hope I'm not) an awful person, I just don't think I fit in or am the type of person they will like but I really don't want to offend them either. Should I get out of this and if so how can I do it politely (most of them are school mums or associated with husbands work)

Mouthfulofquiz Mon 09-Nov-15 20:06:08

I think you should give it a go - it's only one weekend and you might enjoy it! You are quite hard on yourself you know - maybe you're actually quite interesting and people would like to talk to you?

Only1scoop Mon 09-Nov-15 20:07:33

Sounds like it would so you the world of good to be honest.

Iflyaway Mon 09-Nov-15 20:10:08

Hey! There is nothing wrong with you and please don't think there is!...

So, it's not your thing. Totally understand.

You may be an introvert, or just like hanging out at home enjoying your family and free time. Why twist yourself in guilt feeling like that you should to on this enforced jolly It is perfectly normal if you don't want to.

Guess you need to get your big girl shoes on to say, Sorry, can't make it/not going to work for me.

You have every right to do what you want. You could always sweeten the blow by suggesting coffee or a tea-time meet up sometime.

peaz Mon 09-Nov-15 20:10:25

I think that if someone has asked you that they like you enough to want you to go! So they obviously think you are a genuinely nice person. x

Crabbitface Mon 09-Nov-15 20:13:31

I think you sound like someone I'd love to hang out with and not at all boring. My first instinct is to tell you to give it a go and see how you enjoy it, but like you I love being at home with my kids and DH. When I have gone away to stay the night somewhere I have usually had a lovely day but come bedtime I'm a big, anxious insomniacs who just wants to be sandwiched between my kids. Is there anyway you could go along for part of the time - maybe just lunch or dinner? Then head home?

Wtfmummy Mon 09-Nov-15 20:13:31

Ah bless you! You wouldn't have been invited if they perceived you as you do! Why don't you take a step out of your comfort zone and go for it? If it's terrible you can always feign illness and leave early but I bet you'll have fun. Don't worry about spa treatments - maybe go for something non-invasive like a manicure or just use the time to sit by the pool and read a magazine. Sounds like fun!

Try not to be so hard on yourself- I can totally relate to how you feel about just wanting to spend time with hubby and kids but it is good for them and you to sometimes have time apart - gives them a chance to miss you wink

CasualJersey Mon 09-Nov-15 20:14:43

Go!
Reading all that tells me you need to break your cycle of life and do something more.
It may well do you good!

ImperialBlether Mon 09-Nov-15 20:16:14

I disagree. I think you'd be very uncomfortable and that would make them uncomfortable, too. I would just say that you're not really into spas and hate massages etc, but that you'd love to still meet up with the kids (or however you meet up now.) It's not as though it'll be cancelled because you're dropping out.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett Mon 09-Nov-15 20:16:25

I'm a deep thinker. I don't tend to display that thinking at the school gate though. Is it possible you may be underestimating this group of women, who all have their own thoughts and dreams and ideas and convictions?

BIWI Mon 09-Nov-15 20:19:22

You're making a huge assumption that none of these other women are like you! Which is quite arrogant actually. Positioning yourself as somehow intellectually superior.

I'm sure you didn't mean that, though!

The instinct that led you to accept in the first place is, I think, worth listening to.

I'd go. What's the worst that could happen? You might actually enjoy some of it, if not all of it.

Go. You don't have to engage in small talk - spa days tend to involve lots of time on your own. You can always disappear off to somewhere suitable for a spot of meditation or mindfulness!

ClangerOnaComeDown Mon 09-Nov-15 20:23:26

It sounds like my idea of hell.

Tbh I would make an excuse and cancel. Spa days send shivers down my spine. Things like that are like forced fun but worse as you'll have random strangers touching you constantly. Urgh.

amarmai Mon 09-Nov-15 20:24:59

your life=your decision. Offer to pay if have to , but try to cancel with spa.

SugarDoh Mon 09-Nov-15 20:26:06

I'm really sorry Biwi that wasn't my intention - in simple terms I'm worried I'm boring and will feel uncomfortable. I don't for one second think others cannot think about these things - I just have always felt like the boring/serious one in most groups including my own family. One of the women I know better than the others and enjoy her company; one of others, who is the sort of leader of the group I struggle with - she has very, very different values from me - not saying that mine are right and hers are wrong - I just find her very intimidating.

eddielizzard Mon 09-Nov-15 20:28:56

you sound just like me. exactly the sort of thing i'd do and then regret.

GO. be yourself. and just relax.

Hufflepuffin Mon 09-Nov-15 20:32:15

Maybe they'd like to talk about consumerism with you? Not everyone just wants to talk handbags!

ShamelessBreadAddict Mon 09-Nov-15 20:37:05

I was thinking the same as Lonny actually; I wonder if you're underestimating these women. That said I don't think it's U to prefer to stay home with your family. I tend to think life's a bit too short to do things you aren't into. I wouldn't write the other women off though.

LadyShirazz Mon 09-Nov-15 20:38:40

Are you me????????????

I empathise a lot - this sounds like something I would have written...

I would have probably backed out by now - but do know it would be "good" for me, theoretically, to get out of my comfort zone.

Unfortunately, I have a relatively new job that requires all that already (clients, networking, out-of-hours socialising etc) - I've become even more of an introvert in my private time as a result, and find myself just thinking that life's too short to put myself out there doing things I don't want to do. Not when it robs me of precious time with my lovely DH.

I too can be fun and silly in my own space, but hate hate hate big crowds and small talk - though I can do it for a time, if I push myself.

Probably not a very helpful post! But I think we'd understand each other well IRL...

Only1scoop Mon 09-Nov-15 20:40:19

Also thought you sounded as though you thought yourself a little above all the 'handbag' talk.

Try not to stereotype.

timelytess Mon 09-Nov-15 20:42:09

if you can, go.
Also, find out if you're an 'adult woman with Asperger's'. Knowing doesn't solve things but it does remind you that its not a failing on your part.

LadyShirazz Mon 09-Nov-15 20:43:37

I think the OP has gone out of her way to stress she is not judging others on the basis of their conversational preferences - just that she doesn't feel she can really "go with the flow" and do "trivialities" in the same way.

Quite frankly I'd also struggle to understand someone getting their knickers in a twist over a handbag too!

BIWI Mon 09-Nov-15 20:44:45

I know it wasn't your intention! But just had to point out that it comes across like that ... grin

I'm very like you, in that I'm always fearful of being seen as boring. I'm not very good at small talk, and I'm pretty shy. But anyone from MN who's met me will probably be surprised by that - because I've had to learn over the years to overcome this. (Nevertheless, it remains a deep-seated fear)

My best advice to you is to be interested in other people. Ask them about themselves - what they do, what their children do, etc - people love talking about themselves. And when you find common ground, which you will do at some point, you can put forward your own views. None of this has to be painfully trivial or shallow. But nor does it have to be deep and philosophical all the time! You need, also, to learn to lighten up in certain situations.

Just go. And learn to laugh. Life is precious and it's a gift to learn how to enjoy it as much as you can.

SaucyJack Mon 09-Nov-15 20:45:42

It's ok not to want to go to a spa. It's not everyone's idea of a good time. (I'd rather pop down the Spar meself too.) Just be gracious in making your excuses if you don't know them that well.

But it's unfair to write other women off as superficial without knowing them. Some of the most intelligent and politically active women I know like handbags and shoes too.

DickDewy Mon 09-Nov-15 20:46:05

If I were you, I wouldn't go.

You obviously know yourself really well and I agree, from what you have said, you would be very uncomfortable.

MarkRuffaloCrumble Mon 09-Nov-15 20:47:08

I'm just like you OP. I dread upcoming events, even with friends and family. There are a few people I'm ok with, but like you would rather it were just me, DP and my DCs. I just explain that I have social anxiety and wouldn't enjoy it, but hope they have a lovely time.

However, I think you can get into a negative cycle where the less you do the less you want to do.

Pushing yourself occasionally can end up with some pleasant experiences. I'm sure your friends know what you're like and they still want you there!

Yes, try to rein in the talk about things that you know won't interest them, but otherwise just try to relax and appreciate time off from housey stuff! Take a book and find a quiet corner while they're in the jacuzzi/spa and then join them for dinner and drinks.

I recently took up a new hobby to try and push myself and boost my confidence. I still feel a bit like staying home every week when it comes around, but once I'm there I love just being myself, not mum or wifey.

Taking time out will make you all the more appreciative of your family (and them of you!) and you might surprise yourself and have a lovely time!

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